Vulnerability

Vulnerability
L

Lloydy

Registrant
what made us vulnerable to our abusers in the first place ?

I sometimes wonder if I was born with a sign on my forehead saying "Hey, I'm vulnerable, do what you want with me" - but it wasn't that simple.

In all I've written here, and discussed in therapy I have hardly mentioned my very first sexual experiences, I've concentrated on the abuse I suffered at school when I was 11 to 16 yo.

My first abusive experience, as I now regognise it, was when I was about 4 yo and a man stood alongside me in a crowded shopping street as I looked at the toys in a shop window, and my parents were stood a matter of 20 feet away looking in another window.

He said something and took my hand and put it inside his long overcoat onto his penis.

My father turned and shouted at the man who ran off, and that was the end of the incident.
But I remember it very vividly, the man was old with a white beard and his race and dress was enough to make him distinctive at the time. I can remember the shop, it's still there, and what I was wearing.

Was it just an opportunistic thing ? kids weren't as restricted in those days and it wasn't unusual to be that distant from parents even in a town. I wasn't abandoned that's for sure.
So why me ?

When I was about 7 an older brother of a friend who was about 11 taught me to masturbate, him and me.
This happened a few times over a couple of weeks and I've always looked upon it as childhood curiosity and experimenting, but I did that with a girl of my own age - completly mutually and I truly believe perfectly naturally.
This boy used his age and knowledge to his advantage, so I guess it becomes abusive ?
Once again, why me ? it was much less opportunistic and possibly had more planning than I remember.

I lived my childhood in the country with no friends close by so I was always a bit of a loner.
My family aren't touchy - feely and don't express any emotions to each other, does this kind of background print the label that I arrived at boarding school with ? I believe it did.

They pick us out, they have the ability to read the invisible label that our upbringing gives us.
Another survivor said to me "they smell us at 100 paces"

I think he was right.

Dave
 
Sometimes, my anger at hearing these stories, makes my blood boil. Detestable creatures, thse "people" harming children!!! Thank you for your insight.
 
There is an unspoken truth, a shared level of consciousness in the abused. We can see it in each other, I think.

Perps sense it through observation, trial and error, perhaps, but they do not share the consciousness.

They have some little tests, maybe a smile, see if you smile back. Perhaps ask a leading question and see where it goes.

Whatever it is, I do not give perps the benefit of some supernatural ability to see into our souls. They use good old-fashioned legwork. The focus on cues absorbs their entire being.

I remember a dog trainer telling me that the reason we think our dogs know what we are thinking is we give off cues.

Dog wrecks the house, we come in, see the wreck, and the dog knows we are mad before we do. Not out of guilt for the behavior (the dog doesn't have that specific memory) but from the cues we are giving off. As the dog trainer said, "Of course the dog knows you and your expressions. What do you think the dog does all day long? It watches you. The owner is the dog's television."

Perps are no smarter than a dog watching its owner. They didn't suss us out, they failed a hundred times for every time they were successful in their neverending quest to fulfill their fucked up desire.
 
Lloydy,

I'd like to offer a hypothesis. It may be off base, but here goes.

I too grew up in a family with virtually no affectionate touching, cuddling, etc. This fact still pains me and affects me today. I think kids who don't receive this kind of "mirroring" may put out a sort of "lost" look. There might almost be an "energy" the child puts out that he needs and would love some kind of "touch".

At the other end of the extreme, there may be children who received too much touch, with no boundaries. These are children who may appear precocious, jump right into your lap, etc. They, too, might be at high risk for being taken advantage of.

The kids who grow up with an appropriate amount of loving touch and affirmation, with clear boundaries, are probably, as a group, the safest. These kids who are most likely to give off an "air" that does not attract the perpetrator.

I'm no therapist, and as I say, this is just hypothesis. But what do you think?

Rick
 
Cement has a good point, perp's do their homework and know what they're looking for. I don't think many perps work at random, that's far too dangerous.

And I agree with both Cement and Rick, we do give something away. However small and insignificant it might be, we somehow react to their glance or their 'chance comment' in a way that that ups the odds in their very risky plan.
I love Cements analogy of the dog training and apparent ability of the dog to read his masters thoughts, we all give little cues as to our moods and thoughts, and we all learn how to interprate another persons cues.

Perps just specialise in the same way a phsycic fools people into thinking that they are talking to their dead loved ones.

Perhaps all we did was to smile back a little too quickly ?

Dave
 
I suspect there is a little truth in everything that has been said. I also think that for the most part, the initial abuse/or first time victimization is a totally random thing. Just bad luck. There may be some things that attract a perpetrator, but more likely opportunity plays the biggest part. I am inclined to believe that open communication with parents is the best defense against perpetrators. But bad things do happen to the nicest people. And I don't think anyone really knows why. Peace, Andrew
 
Yes, we probably throw off some kind of vibes or signs at times, but not intentionally & it's not our fault of course.

Yes, some perps may be able to smell some of us at a hundred paces.

But only, I think, if they've been practicing their sniffing a lot, like the mad dogs they are.

Only to the degree that they have practiced their perversions to the point they know certain types--the ones their sick obsessions draw them to--and they learn ways to pick them out. As Andrew said a lot of it is opportunity. Often, I think perps are very intentional about making opportunities, just as that man did with you Dave in that store, even tho it seemed random. Not necessarily looking for you; looking for the "right" (wrong) time & place.

Only becuz some like cunning stray dogs weasel their way into our society; our neighborhoods, schools, churches, day care centers, even our homes; into our lives, whether just in passing or as people who supposedly are friends. :mad:

Maybe it's less to do with "I'm a victim vibes" we throw off than it is "that's the kind I like characteristics" these sick bitches hunt for like wild hound dogs.

Maybe I'm being semantically picky. Part of my self-interested drive to never blame myself & always blame the perps. They're the animals, not me; not us.

Wild dogs don't just "happen" to hunt down their prey & mark their hunting territories carefully.

My mother & father very intentionally committed incest with me when I was probably two years old.
My mother the bitch carefully plotted to get rid of my father (which suited me fine; the bastard damn near shook my head off as an infant) then make me at age four her surrogate husband.

Obviously I grew up in one of those "extreme touch" families. Don't know about giving off vibes tho. My mother basically brot all my perps into abusing me, except possibly my two babysitter perps, even there I think she did it indirectly.

There were a few comeons by men later in my teen years, but I shut them down pretty quickly. For years if I threw off any vibes, at least where men were concerned, it was stay the hell away from me or else. With women it was more like come on bitch! :o

I agree with Rick those with clearer boundaries are the safer. I know becuz of negative experience
as I had no boundaries growing up.

But I made damn sure my kids did!

Now I'm working on my own!

Cement, love your dog analogy (you do make some cool analogies friend!).

Those perps were big wild dogs pursuing us little pups.

But now the pups are grown, and we've turned out to be wolves!

If they're trying to sniff out my fear or lack of resolve, they won't find it anymore becuz it just ain't there to find.

And guess what--and I know I'm not the only survivor who can say this--I can smell those bastards a hundred miles away!

And they stink like their shit!

Those old wild dogs don't have a chance against us!

OOOWWWWHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Victor
 
The part of my childhood I remember was in a family with too little "good" touch. Being touched meant being hurt, more often than not.

I've been thinking about how I was chosen just this week. I think I did not have any sense of boundaries, and the perp knew that. I think the atmosphere at home contributed to my lack of boundaries because I was not valued as an individual person. I did have my uses, I suppose, but I did not have any intrinsic value, so I did not value myself. I never developed boundaries.

At least, that's the theory that I came up with this week.
 
I believe that my main perp selected me because he was in the same parish I lived in, he knew that my home life was awful. He told me that I told him I wanted it because I had a bubble butt and shook it at him.

The simple fact is that all of us guys wore Levi's and they fit us skin tight. I had big thighs and butt and I could not hide that--but lots of guys were built like me.

He knew I was bewildered and desperate for a male model in my life and he used that. Then he said that I wanted it and got me to think that maybe I did want it.
I certainly did feel special to him, even as I was terrified of him.

To the best of my knowledge he only abused me and one other scout. That scouts father was deceased so,he jumped in. But that kid fought him and I think he saw him as dangerous--but he had me wanting so badly for him to just love me and not hurt me that I never fought or said anything about telling on him.

Some may be random, but I think most are seduced in some way.

Bob
 
My SA occured in a home daycare center. First we were progammed not to talk and not to cry. We were abused in small ways while our parents were told stories of our naughty behavior. After a while of our parents not believing us we came to think our parents wouldn't believe us about anything. I later tried several times, and sure enough they didn't. We were locked in a filthy closet half full of trash. We were programmed to be silent and afraid. Only after we got to this state did the sexual abuse begin, 2 and 3 times a week. It was well thought out and organised.
 
Perps aren't the only ones who can plan, or pursue.

Way I see it I as a survivor have the advantage becuz I've learned both my own survival skills, and I've learned from them something about planning & pursuing as well.

What did they learn from me?

Not much of anything. Except that I'm a lot tougher & can be a lot more trouble than they thot.

They ain't seen nothin' yet!

These cowardly predators upon the vulnerable have no clue of what it's like to have to survive, no notion that they might be the ones being hunted down in a carefully planned pursuit.

Well, they are in for a rude awakening!

Victor
 
Guys,
I believe that the first time someone touches or rapes a kid the rapist will make sure the kid is alone. After that I do truly believe that the kid wants more love + attention from their parents.
Perps tend to work at finding opportunities to find kids + rape them.
I will always find that almost impossible to think that raping kids really happened, but my hubby MrEdd is living proof.
Cement, I also just love your dog analogy. I need more on this side of the site.
Lloydy, I also agree that Perps do not work at random. I think it could take a week or 2 for them to track a kid down + see what habits they have. Do they take a short cut where they should not??? That is no excuse, but that is what Perps look for.
Do they look for a really sad face or a really happy face??? A combo of both I would guess.
Well that is all I can think of right now.
WITH MUCH LOVE,
Kim
 
I think what you related was very important MrEdd. It really hit a nerve with me. Sometimes it is not only perpetrators who render children
helpless by undermining their credibility. The adults who should be caring about the little ones the most, their parents, are the ones who let them down the most. They stop listening. Parents please listen. Listen and watch!

Victor, you are right. We need to be wolves. Vigilant and pro-active. We need to be heard.
We need to be watchful. We need to arm our children with weapons. Weapons like self esteem, confidence, information, and lots of good hugs.
We need to warn them that adults must earn respect, and that there is almost never a good secret between a child and older person. We need to stick together, like wolves in a pack. And like the wolf pack, follow the leadership of battle worthy warriors. Peace, Andrew
 
MrEdd,

What you shared reminded me of a case in the Courts long before the O.J. case. It was a pre-school and the case was the Virginia McMartin case. The head of the school Virginia McMartin and her daycare workers (one was her grown son) were brought to trial because of accusations of sexual abuse made by children who were now older and could finally talk about it. They talked about the fear they felt because they were threatened with torture and death to them and to their families if they ever told. They were subjected to viewing live executions of small animals like turtles. Then they were sent home with paper cut-outs in the shapes of green turtles for the parents to paste on their refrigerators. The parents never knew but they were unwittingly reinforcing the threats of murder to the children even in their own homes by posting the paper turtles on their refrigerators. I remember how hard it was for the public to believe that this could actually take place. I remember how I reacted to it because of my own "secrets" about my own childhood sa, and I remember saying, "Oh yes it CAN happen!" I always believed the children told the truth about these perpetrators / sexual predators and abusers.
I do not recall how the case ended up, but I do remember that up until O.J.'s case it was the longest running trial in California.

Sincerely, Jess.
 
Jess, the McMartin trial was the longest running in US history, 6 years. I followed it very closely because I was in social work at the time, and there was a similar case happening in Canada.
I was suspicious of the interviewing techniques and the validy of the prosecutions case at the time. Please check out the following link. https://www.religioustolerance.org/ra_mcmar.htm
You will find that in this particular case, the McMartin's may have been done a terrible injustice by the system. Peace, Andrew
 
What made me vulnerable to my abuser?

I was born, or I could say I was had.


Some of this is an excerpt from the recent post INNER CHILD


The little boy in me learned early on that my own needs were ignorable.
When my mother needed to be consoled for what was inconsolable in
her, I was a well groomed to try to please her. She took me to bed with
her through most of my adolescence.

The ongoing struggle is to forgive him for being so naively vulnerable.
We are all biologically programmed to be so vulnerable, it is in our
nature as human beings.

What happened to me taught me to despise and reject the little boy
in me and the vulnerability that is part of his nature.

To be so vulberable means we can again experience that searing
pain that no one should ever have to endure. It is no wonder that
we adopt the defenses that we do.

The problem comes when we are trying to live our adult life. Not letting
people in close defeats our adult relationships. It helped us to survive
our childhood, but is very destructive when we are emotionally absent
with our children and our adult relationships. However even as adults
there are times when it is a good skill to be self protective when we are
around adults that are emotionally caustic. As adults it is about the
selective use of this defensive tool. It is not about throwing away old
tools as if they are no good (which is what I wanted to do), it is about
the selective use of these tools.


My kids were definately responding to the healing work I was doing
while they were growing. By doing my own recovery work I am
showing them how to be a survivor, even if they dont know the
reasons behind the therapy and other recovery work I am involved in.

It helps me to remind myself that my inner child is a very wounded
and needy inner child. It is important that I have my own support
system that allows me to not use my kids to fulfill my unmet needs
of my own childhood.


My mother wasnt a predator on the streets looking for the select
vulnerable. She took advantage of what was readily
available... her child.

She did it because she had no boundaries and she taught us the
same. She needed to vicariously re experience the losing of her
own innocence. As if she could somehow magically understand
what happened to her own life by victimizing us kids. She didnt
plot conciously to utterly destroy her own children. I think a term
here is benign evil.

She acted out as a child would (10 y.o.?) in order to get some needs
met that should have been met in her own childhood. The needs of
autonomy and respect.for personal boundaries, and knowing you are
precious and unconditionally loved.

A definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and
expecting different results than what you keep getting. The author
John Bradshaw describes going to the hardware store to get a
gallon of milk. No matter how many times you go to the hardware store
you wil not find milk. If my mother has no love to give, then no matter
how many times I go to her for it I will leave her unsatisfird. I did this
endlessly, but thats just how important a mother or a fathers love is for
a child. I had to believe any lie to believe I could get it.

It works for co dependent relationships too. Finally I found someone who
will give me the love I always needed when I was growing up. The
problem with that is that time for getting those needs met are gone forever.
I now need to learn how to fulfill those needs within myself. A good book
here is NECESSARY LOSSES (off-hand I dont recall the author.)

To try to get those needs met in my relationships has looked like, Bob
you really look good tonight, or Bob you really did a good job and
because those comments are not consistant with what I learned to
believe about myself, my thoughts go to a distrustful,
What does she want. No matter how much my wife loves me as a
co dependent she will never be able to fill this black hole I have in
the pit of my stomach.

My Mom took me to bed trying to get her unmet needs satisfied by me.


What about my needs for safety, and boundaries.

She didnt get her needs met the first night or the
hundreds of nights after that in total humiliation
until I went into the Navy, but she kept trying.

When I went into the Navy I heard were weeding out all the mamas boys.


It is our ability to be vulnerable that allows us to engage in relationships.
When I meet someone socially, it is not the person that is rigid and uptight
that is easy to get to know, it is the person who tends to be open that I
gravitate to. This skill of being open that someone else has invites me to do the same.
 
Vulnerability.

This topic makes me think about a song Orodo posted by Pat Benatar, "We Are Invincible."

Here's another one for any perps or legal bozos or troublemakers or anyone else that wants to try to stop me and stop the healing, growth, voices, advocacy, thriving & victory of male survivors:

Hit Me With Your Best Shot (Pat Benatar):

Well you're the real tough cookie with a long history
Of breaking little hearts like the one in me
That's OK lets see how you do it
Put up your dukes lets get down to it
Hit me with your best shot
Why don't you hit me with your best shot
Hit me with your best shot
Fire away
You come on with a come on you don't fight fair
But that's OK see if I care
Knock me down it's all in vain
I'll get right back on my feet again
Hit me with your best shot
Why don't you hit me with your best shot
Hit me with your best shot
Fire away
Well you're the real tough cookie with a long history
Of breaking little hearts like the one in me
Before I put another notch in my lipstick case
You better make sure you put me in my place
Hit me with your best shot
Why don't you hit me with your best shot
Hit me with your best shot
Fire away...

boxer.gif


Victor
 
The hand of God touching a child of God...
 
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