VNL: Ch 1 - Current Effects
Been awhile since ive posted. I'm confident about this because, actually, rebounding is something survivors do..
well, my approach to this is to pick apart Mr. Mike Lews great book (Victims No Longer - Second Edition) and associate.
This structure will allow me to stick with it and, perhaps, find comfort in others with similar experiences. I hope I can stick with it. Who knows, this is probbaly just another one of my 'burst of energy' idea's that fizzles out (like a firework - happy 4th of July by the way)
Chapter 1 deals with defining abuse. There's nothing to relate with this chapter other than the confirmatory 'YES, I WAS ABUSED'. One important aspect mentioned is the fact that abuse takes many forms. For example, not being able to provide for your child is one example. This means it is abuse if the parent is negligent with finding proper work or failing to pay their utility bills or be a provider for their children.
I relate well under such circumstances because my mother didnt pay her bills, never washed our clothes, and let us go to school smelling like cat pee. This was abuse! She wasnt handicapped but worked rarely. She regularly relied on the help of others when in crisis. All throughout my dependent years (0 to 18 years old) - weve been evicted 6 times!
Further into the book, there's a focus titled 'Current Effects' which was compiled by survivors from Weekend Recovery events. The Focus asked the question: "In what ways does childhood sexual abuse continue to affect your adult life?"
Responses:
- Nightmares (intense;violent)
- Fear that everyone is a potential attacker
- Shame
- Guilt
- Fear of expressing anger/difficulties in starting to get angry
- Need to be in control
- Need to pretend I am not in control (helplessness)
- Fear of being seen/Fear of exposure/agoraphobia
- Running from people
- Fear of intimacy/Running away from intimacy
- "Avoidism"
- Pain and memories of physical pain
- Flashbacks
- Not being able to think "straight"
- Difficulties in communicating
- Intruding thoughts
- Compulsive eating/not eating/Dieting/bingeing/purgeing/etc
- Self-Abuse
- Wanting to die
- Sexual acting out
- Feeling asexual
- Sexual dysfunction
- Feelings of unreality/detachment
- Image of myself as a failure
- Need to be completely competent at all times
I can relate to the following:
1) Fear that everyone is a potential attacker:
Questions race through my mind when I meet someone new, especially another guy: "What will I end up doing that pisses this guy off?"
"How can my facial expressions prevent him from thinking i'm gay"
"What do I have to do to get on his good side without him thinking i'm gay"
Often, though, they detect i'm uncomfortable - and avoid any social contact with me. This gets turned into some sort of evaluation of:
"I said something stupid, ignorant, or offensive"
"He thinks i'm too fucked in the head to talk to"
"He probably knows and feels sorry for me and wants nothing to do with me"
2) Shame:
Shame takes the form of the nightly ritual that is too sexually explicit to detail. But, its important I say this: its not something I like but it helps me to feel good. It is NOT pedophilia. It's more like reexperiencing the abuse as a child. A sort of reverse pedophilia? I'm the child, they (the fantasized being) are the pedophile?
I am deeply ashamed of this, and often go to bed upset over re-experiencing what is felt as the only contact ive had with an older father figure. The shame is based on the potential of my being something more than a victim. I just dont know how to really feel good, I guess. Being 30 this year, I see other guys - so well-groomed and taken care of. I want to be like that. I cant. Thats ashame. I sometimes feel like they know and they scream from the inside at me, about what a loser I am.
3) Guilt.
Yes, ive mentioned this one above.
But there's more guilt: when I dont respond to anothers gestures. The gestures that seem to offer something (I cant trust) - I feel guilty. I dont feel guilty then because i'm evaluating the gesture. For example, an offer to lunch from coworkers i turn down. When they keep asking me, they want my company. While I am utterly scared I will be ridiculed, I reject the offer with a pathetic excuse. Later, thinking back, I evaluate: " They think I hate them! They think I hate them!!"
4) Fear of being seen/Fear of exposure/agoraphobia
I sweat like a pig in public places. I'll find my stomach isnt rising and falling like everyone elses - my breath is held. I dont breathe and people see this terrified look on my face. I was once diagnosed with Social Phobia. That is precisely what this is. However, Social Phobia can have causes. It's not a disorder in and of itself. My social phobia accompanies the fear, shame, and distrust I have as an sa survivor. These conditions form the social phobia.
I find that when I go to large department stores, security follows me around because I am so nervous. The sweat mats my hair, which isnt short, so I look like a criminal (somewhat).
My goal when I go to the store is to get out ASAP.
5) Running from people
Chatting online fulfills my closeness to people. My need to socialise (we are social creatures). This board does that as well.
But, being close to someone is something I cant do. Ive got ONE comfort friend - I feel like thats all I can tolerate. When I am PM'ed in Yahoo chat, I ignore it or ask the person to speak with me in the room. Its not comfortable to get close.
6) Fear of intimacy/Running away from intimacy
No girlfriend. No sex. I'm all virgin (except when Mom made me her husband, I believe). I get angry when women flirt with me. also feel nauseated. I do find woman attractive - but, it's difficult to associate the feeling as sexual. Confusion? Definitely. When a woman at work took me to lunch, she stopped at a park and started crying. She said, "I love you. Dont you see. I love you!". Not long after, I had human resources keep her at a distance, and even create a condition that if she crossed the line from coworker, she would be fired.
I still feel that woman use their sexuality to control men. This offends me in such a prudish way, i'm ashamed to admit it. Makes me feel like one of those religious fundamentalists/purists.
Ultimately, however, its more about not wanting to hurt a woman rather than morality. I dont trust myself with a woman at this time. What will I do to her if I get flashbacks?
7) "Avoidism"
As in - not gonna get in that situation. I fear parties, bars and any other situations that might mean I could (potentially) get involved with someone.
8) Not being able to think "straight"
Concentration was a problem in the beginning stages of recovery. As all pieces come together, it's difficult NOT to focus on the reality: you are not allright. You really are a victim. You didnt have what other people did. And now its time to get better. This becomes less an issue as the ability to shut out the realization is honed.
9) Difficulties in communicating
People always thought I had an odd speaking voice. Nothing like they've ever heard. The way I talk: I barely open my mouth. Sometimes I mumble and people cant hear me. I once watched myself on a video tape. My face is completely expressionless when I speak normally. One aspect of communication is facial expression. Raising eyebrows, eyes moving. Stonefaced I am.
This may have something to do with masking - or control. Not allowing people to completely figure me out.
10) Intruding thoughts
Yes. Always. A bad event that took place will be recalled. A reminder. An embarrassing event. Something that promotes guilt or shame.
11) Self-Abuse
The nightly ritual detailed above. The avoidance of pleasurable friendships or relationships. The addicting drugs, and the neglect of personal appearance.
13) Wanting to die
Everyone wants to die, right? When your alone, its all there is to do. Actually, the only thing keeping me from death is the reluctance to feel what precedes it. My therapist calls 'Passive Suicidal' - not having issue with someone broadsiding my car and killing me, or being killed by someone, or dying from a disease. You wish and wish something would happen. Then, you post things like this which says, "you dont really die. You give a shit too much. You got life."
14) Feeling asexual (graphic, may trigger)
Yes. The pink, upside-down triangle of the Asexual movement. I tend to think the feeling of sex all too familiar. The wet warmth of my sexual organ in the girl - I am feeling nauseated over this. I sometimes believe sex is something your not supposed to do to feel good. And the idea of intercourse is really abusive. Especially since the girl sometimes screams and even the guy. It's really painful - and all those hormones releasing can tax the body eventually bringing about diseases and conditions. I then believe i must be asexual. Men only turn me on when they are abusive towards me and woman only turn me on if I could be abusive to them. So, i'm asexual - yes.
15) Sexual dysfunction
See above.
16) Feelings of unreality/detachment
I just started feeling this. I dont know where I go when the ritual takes place. Often times i'll find myself thinking of something completely different than the fantasy: the issues at work, the idea behind taxation. Anything that makes me THINK. Then, I'll return to and not know what brought on the dissociation.
17) Image of myself as a failure
There's no doubt when I retract from healing. I feel like a failure.
One week, I broke free from healing because I thought about the strength of being a man - that I could logically get passed this. I then went into things I used to enjoy: heavy metal music, wearing all black - with the theory that I wasnt gonna let anyone tell me "I was a victim" or "I need to 'heal'". This lasted about a week. The breaking point was when I began to feel lonely again - then reflected on my tendencies to 'numb' and what it meant to wear all black and blast music that chanted things like 'KILL THE CHRISTIAN' or 'FUCK YOUR GOD'. I didnt see how this was 'being a man' but realised it was 'being a victim'. This becomes my failure! I'm disappointed that I revert, then collapse and get back up. Its like i'm running into a brick wall.
FINALLY!
18) Need to be completely competent at all times
Overachiever? Workaholic? Sometimes I think the boss gives me work that has guaranteed failure written all over it. I dont give up, and I need to please her. I dont think she appreciates when I complete the work - that paranoid aspect of "they know and are just trying to get me to break" theory rears its ugly head. But, thats the reaction to failure when I do fail. It was setup! How could I fail?
That about sums up what I wanted to associate with Chapter 1. If I dont feel stupid, i'll keep this up to the end of the book. I know its long and I expect it to be ignored but i think it will help me in the long run. Thats if I dont revert. Happy 4th of July.
well, my approach to this is to pick apart Mr. Mike Lews great book (Victims No Longer - Second Edition) and associate.
This structure will allow me to stick with it and, perhaps, find comfort in others with similar experiences. I hope I can stick with it. Who knows, this is probbaly just another one of my 'burst of energy' idea's that fizzles out (like a firework - happy 4th of July by the way)
Chapter 1 deals with defining abuse. There's nothing to relate with this chapter other than the confirmatory 'YES, I WAS ABUSED'. One important aspect mentioned is the fact that abuse takes many forms. For example, not being able to provide for your child is one example. This means it is abuse if the parent is negligent with finding proper work or failing to pay their utility bills or be a provider for their children.
I relate well under such circumstances because my mother didnt pay her bills, never washed our clothes, and let us go to school smelling like cat pee. This was abuse! She wasnt handicapped but worked rarely. She regularly relied on the help of others when in crisis. All throughout my dependent years (0 to 18 years old) - weve been evicted 6 times!
Further into the book, there's a focus titled 'Current Effects' which was compiled by survivors from Weekend Recovery events. The Focus asked the question: "In what ways does childhood sexual abuse continue to affect your adult life?"
Responses:
- Nightmares (intense;violent)
- Fear that everyone is a potential attacker
- Shame
- Guilt
- Fear of expressing anger/difficulties in starting to get angry
- Need to be in control
- Need to pretend I am not in control (helplessness)
- Fear of being seen/Fear of exposure/agoraphobia
- Running from people
- Fear of intimacy/Running away from intimacy
- "Avoidism"
- Pain and memories of physical pain
- Flashbacks
- Not being able to think "straight"
- Difficulties in communicating
- Intruding thoughts
- Compulsive eating/not eating/Dieting/bingeing/purgeing/etc
- Self-Abuse
- Wanting to die
- Sexual acting out
- Feeling asexual
- Sexual dysfunction
- Feelings of unreality/detachment
- Image of myself as a failure
- Need to be completely competent at all times
I can relate to the following:
1) Fear that everyone is a potential attacker:
Questions race through my mind when I meet someone new, especially another guy: "What will I end up doing that pisses this guy off?"
"How can my facial expressions prevent him from thinking i'm gay"
"What do I have to do to get on his good side without him thinking i'm gay"
Often, though, they detect i'm uncomfortable - and avoid any social contact with me. This gets turned into some sort of evaluation of:
"I said something stupid, ignorant, or offensive"
"He thinks i'm too fucked in the head to talk to"
"He probably knows and feels sorry for me and wants nothing to do with me"
2) Shame:
Shame takes the form of the nightly ritual that is too sexually explicit to detail. But, its important I say this: its not something I like but it helps me to feel good. It is NOT pedophilia. It's more like reexperiencing the abuse as a child. A sort of reverse pedophilia? I'm the child, they (the fantasized being) are the pedophile?
I am deeply ashamed of this, and often go to bed upset over re-experiencing what is felt as the only contact ive had with an older father figure. The shame is based on the potential of my being something more than a victim. I just dont know how to really feel good, I guess. Being 30 this year, I see other guys - so well-groomed and taken care of. I want to be like that. I cant. Thats ashame. I sometimes feel like they know and they scream from the inside at me, about what a loser I am.
3) Guilt.
Yes, ive mentioned this one above.
But there's more guilt: when I dont respond to anothers gestures. The gestures that seem to offer something (I cant trust) - I feel guilty. I dont feel guilty then because i'm evaluating the gesture. For example, an offer to lunch from coworkers i turn down. When they keep asking me, they want my company. While I am utterly scared I will be ridiculed, I reject the offer with a pathetic excuse. Later, thinking back, I evaluate: " They think I hate them! They think I hate them!!"
4) Fear of being seen/Fear of exposure/agoraphobia
I sweat like a pig in public places. I'll find my stomach isnt rising and falling like everyone elses - my breath is held. I dont breathe and people see this terrified look on my face. I was once diagnosed with Social Phobia. That is precisely what this is. However, Social Phobia can have causes. It's not a disorder in and of itself. My social phobia accompanies the fear, shame, and distrust I have as an sa survivor. These conditions form the social phobia.
I find that when I go to large department stores, security follows me around because I am so nervous. The sweat mats my hair, which isnt short, so I look like a criminal (somewhat).
My goal when I go to the store is to get out ASAP.
5) Running from people
Chatting online fulfills my closeness to people. My need to socialise (we are social creatures). This board does that as well.
But, being close to someone is something I cant do. Ive got ONE comfort friend - I feel like thats all I can tolerate. When I am PM'ed in Yahoo chat, I ignore it or ask the person to speak with me in the room. Its not comfortable to get close.
6) Fear of intimacy/Running away from intimacy
No girlfriend. No sex. I'm all virgin (except when Mom made me her husband, I believe). I get angry when women flirt with me. also feel nauseated. I do find woman attractive - but, it's difficult to associate the feeling as sexual. Confusion? Definitely. When a woman at work took me to lunch, she stopped at a park and started crying. She said, "I love you. Dont you see. I love you!". Not long after, I had human resources keep her at a distance, and even create a condition that if she crossed the line from coworker, she would be fired.
I still feel that woman use their sexuality to control men. This offends me in such a prudish way, i'm ashamed to admit it. Makes me feel like one of those religious fundamentalists/purists.
Ultimately, however, its more about not wanting to hurt a woman rather than morality. I dont trust myself with a woman at this time. What will I do to her if I get flashbacks?
7) "Avoidism"
As in - not gonna get in that situation. I fear parties, bars and any other situations that might mean I could (potentially) get involved with someone.
8) Not being able to think "straight"
Concentration was a problem in the beginning stages of recovery. As all pieces come together, it's difficult NOT to focus on the reality: you are not allright. You really are a victim. You didnt have what other people did. And now its time to get better. This becomes less an issue as the ability to shut out the realization is honed.
9) Difficulties in communicating
People always thought I had an odd speaking voice. Nothing like they've ever heard. The way I talk: I barely open my mouth. Sometimes I mumble and people cant hear me. I once watched myself on a video tape. My face is completely expressionless when I speak normally. One aspect of communication is facial expression. Raising eyebrows, eyes moving. Stonefaced I am.
This may have something to do with masking - or control. Not allowing people to completely figure me out.
10) Intruding thoughts
Yes. Always. A bad event that took place will be recalled. A reminder. An embarrassing event. Something that promotes guilt or shame.
11) Self-Abuse
The nightly ritual detailed above. The avoidance of pleasurable friendships or relationships. The addicting drugs, and the neglect of personal appearance.
13) Wanting to die
Everyone wants to die, right? When your alone, its all there is to do. Actually, the only thing keeping me from death is the reluctance to feel what precedes it. My therapist calls 'Passive Suicidal' - not having issue with someone broadsiding my car and killing me, or being killed by someone, or dying from a disease. You wish and wish something would happen. Then, you post things like this which says, "you dont really die. You give a shit too much. You got life."
14) Feeling asexual (graphic, may trigger)
Yes. The pink, upside-down triangle of the Asexual movement. I tend to think the feeling of sex all too familiar. The wet warmth of my sexual organ in the girl - I am feeling nauseated over this. I sometimes believe sex is something your not supposed to do to feel good. And the idea of intercourse is really abusive. Especially since the girl sometimes screams and even the guy. It's really painful - and all those hormones releasing can tax the body eventually bringing about diseases and conditions. I then believe i must be asexual. Men only turn me on when they are abusive towards me and woman only turn me on if I could be abusive to them. So, i'm asexual - yes.
15) Sexual dysfunction
See above.
16) Feelings of unreality/detachment
I just started feeling this. I dont know where I go when the ritual takes place. Often times i'll find myself thinking of something completely different than the fantasy: the issues at work, the idea behind taxation. Anything that makes me THINK. Then, I'll return to and not know what brought on the dissociation.
17) Image of myself as a failure
There's no doubt when I retract from healing. I feel like a failure.
One week, I broke free from healing because I thought about the strength of being a man - that I could logically get passed this. I then went into things I used to enjoy: heavy metal music, wearing all black - with the theory that I wasnt gonna let anyone tell me "I was a victim" or "I need to 'heal'". This lasted about a week. The breaking point was when I began to feel lonely again - then reflected on my tendencies to 'numb' and what it meant to wear all black and blast music that chanted things like 'KILL THE CHRISTIAN' or 'FUCK YOUR GOD'. I didnt see how this was 'being a man' but realised it was 'being a victim'. This becomes my failure! I'm disappointed that I revert, then collapse and get back up. Its like i'm running into a brick wall.
FINALLY!
18) Need to be completely competent at all times
Overachiever? Workaholic? Sometimes I think the boss gives me work that has guaranteed failure written all over it. I dont give up, and I need to please her. I dont think she appreciates when I complete the work - that paranoid aspect of "they know and are just trying to get me to break" theory rears its ugly head. But, thats the reaction to failure when I do fail. It was setup! How could I fail?
That about sums up what I wanted to associate with Chapter 1. If I dont feel stupid, i'll keep this up to the end of the book. I know its long and I expect it to be ignored but i think it will help me in the long run. Thats if I dont revert. Happy 4th of July.
