Victims No Longer

After coming to an understanding of how my abuse has affected my relationship with my wife and children, I have decided to really dig into my issues.

It's funny, I met her at Barnes & Noble yesterday evening. While waiting, I went to the self-help section of the store and looked for books that might help me with adiction. "Victims No Longer" caught my attention and so I picked it up and thumbed through it. I even shared it with her when she arrived. I put it back on the shelf before I left.

After a conversation with her, I came back to my Apt. (we are separated right now) I began to search for answers about where to begin. The question in my mind was "Where do I begin? All the books seem to be so specific and I believed that my problem was an addictive personality."

Well, as I searched the Internet for answers, all the road signs lead to the book "Victims No Longer," including this forum. I am going to purchase this book today!

Is there anyone out there working through this book right now that I can partner up with so we can help each other?

 

[Mark C]

Michael...Victims No Longer is an excellent book...one of the best...other good reading is "Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse" by Mic Hunter...and "the Courage to Heal" by Laura Davis. She also wrote another boof specifically for partners, titled "Allies in Healing; When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child". These books can be purchased right here on line at the NOMSV bookstore...a portion of the sale goes to NOMSV.

Additionally, these three authors will be attending and presenting workshops at this years NOMSV conference "Healing the Sexual Victimization of Boys and Men" taking place in New York City this October 25 - 28 at John Jay College of Crimminal Justice. You can also check out the workshops they will be presenting. There will be several workshops based on addictions for male survivors as well...you should check it out...go to the conference 2001 page at:
https://www.malesurvivor.org

I read this book several years ago and have gone back to it many times...if there is anything that I can be of further assistance with please feel free to ask...Mark

 

Finished Chapter 2 of Victims No Longer tonight. I'll continue to share my thoughts and feelings about my readings as I move through the book. Any feedback is appreciated. If you're working through it, feel free to share.

Chapter 1: Incest: Myths and Realities

My first response is "What are my childhood memories?" I really don't have many and yet I have a lot. What I mean is, I don't have many of my abuse, but I do have memories of other things. What I'm finding out is that my sexual abuse, at the hands of a friend, a neighborhood 15yo boy, is only one aspect of the abuse I endured. I'm finding that I have as many memories of neglect, unavailability, beatings (stick, belt), harsh words... Abuse comes in many forms.

Why didn't I tell? Page 13, 3rd graph, my next thought was me telling my Dad that I never wanted to be in his will. That I wanted the one thing he couldn't give, his heart and for him to be proud of me. I only remember him saying that once in my life. Yet, he's told me 100 times about how he saved my butt when I was in real trouble. He never lets me forget how he came to the rescue.

In the focus on pg 14, found the following current effects apply to me: shame, anger, guilt, need to be in control, fear of exposure, fear of intimacy/running away from intimacy, not being able to 'think straight', difficulties communicating, wanting to die, feeling asexual, feelings of unreality/detachment, image of myself as a failure, "It's my fault", self-doubt/feeling i'm not good enough, jealously, feeling inadequate, feeling ashamed when I'm complimented, low self-esteem, finding it hard to connect with others, difficulty expressing vulnerability, escaping into addictions (that's why I quit cigerettes/alcohol/pornography 3 days ago), fear of other people's ulterior motives, inability to say 'no', fear of women, inability to relax, depression, poor choice of partners (except my current wife).

Pg 16, 2nd graph... "children have a right to care and protection." why don't I believe this? For some reason it just didn't ring true when I read it. What is it that I felt? A twinge in my heart. There's something here, but I'm not sure what.

Pg 19, top... "in their desire to avoid unpleasant realities, human beings resort to doubting, denying, or distancing themselves from ugly truths." Many years ago, about 24yo, i was lying on the floor watching a TV show about child sexual abuse (cir. 1987). My Mom and John were watching on couch. John says that he doesn't believe that it could be that common and my Mom agreed. I turned around and matter-of-factly told them both that I was sexually abused as a child. My Mom said "Oh." I had to tell her twice and I still don't think she gets it.

Pg.21, top... going through the list of relative severity and trying to remember the best I can how I fit, I remember some disembodied words, "Corn and Jelly Roll." I'm not going to talk about corn, you know what it means. Jelly Roll was how he referred to coming in my mouth. That asshole took away something... How could he?

Pg.232, 2nd graph... My Dad wasn't around much, my Mom was not exactly stable. Whey they got divorced, I had to take care of my sister. I was abusive to her (calling names, exerting my will on things like TV shows and stuff like that), I held her by her legs upside-down from the staircase and once I hit a piece of celery that she was eating and thought I'd have to take her to the hosptial. She and my Mom look at those times as funny, I don't. I want to say I'm sorry in a way she'll be able to accept. Don't know when or how that might happen.

Tomorrow, I'll write about Chapt. 2.

 

Chapter 2: Messages about Masculinity

p.33, 1st graph -- It strikes me that the recovery cycle is like physical training.
1) Reading/Understanding 2) Doing what it says/Training 3) Resting/Recovery

p.34, 2nd graph -- Remember not fitting in at school. I didn't fit in, so I started taking drugs -- then I didn't fit in even more. Kept doing them, added to disassociative feelings about self, diminishing self-worth, unrealistic thinking...

p.37, 3rd graph -- I totally disagree with this, "We have to stop being concerned with determining the "right" way to be a man." There are boundaries on right and wrong. I'm not going to concern myself with societies definitions of what is a "real man," but I will be concerned about Biblical teachings. The beauty of God's definition, if you fall short its OK, he loves you any way. All he asks is that you keep trying and don't give up.

p.40, 2nd graph -- Interesting concept, ethnocentrism. I see that my wife and I have had different ideas of what is male and what is female. A friend recommended "Real Boys" by William Pollack to learn more about enculturalization of male identity and how it affects us. I have started reading it instead. I'll come back to VNL as soon as I'm finished.