victim, survivor, what's next?

victim, survivor, what's next?
blacken

blacken

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Staff member
Survivor?

outlast: continue longer than another.
He who abused me is dead. I am alive.

exist: having objective reality, especially under adverse conditions.
Life was simply existence. Where there were no goals because the future was dreaded, feared & put from ones mind............. live for the moment that is free from the hell.

endure: tolerate, harden.
I tolerated his treatment because I believed his lies and was ignorant & naive of how I should have been treated.
But I became hardened and angry at myself and the world.
I kept the secretes I hated, even from myself. And what I could not block out, I twisted into acceptance. I withdrew into my own world, where I could find some solace, some freedom, some peace, even for a moment.

live: continue ones existence under particular circumstances. Supply oneself with the means of subsistence
Ya, Im alive. I made it. I somehow overcame the pain. Or most of it.
I forged impenetrable walls for my defense. I used anger and seclusion to keep up a false sense of safety & power over the circumstances to do it.

But this is all the past. What comes next?

I dont want to be just a survivor.......anymore. I want more.
Im not content with the status quo.

There must be more than simply prevailing.
I have moved into a vague and formless land. I have moved from the world of self-hate, self-destruction, and unfathomable suffering. Though I have no intent to go back there, I dont know where Im heading. I cant seem to find a trail that leads anywhere. Am I already there? No, I think not. I moved from victim to survivor and now to.............................contentment? No, Im not..................Im recovered? No, this is a first for me. I havent been down here before. What about Habilitated? Hmmm, closer to the mark. Yet I feel I still have some growth before me that is possible before I feel cured. So, what do we call this land between Survivor and Habilitated?

Well, whatever it is, Thats where I am.
 
Hi, my name is Jeff

Lord, I know where youre at. I have been asking myself those very same questions. I go to therapy, we talk, I live, but I am not sure where I am any more. I have turned and faced all the demons, and Im not in crisis by any means. I get better at doing and living as I think I should with every passing month, yet I dont feel Im healed by any stretch of the imagination. It is like a numb, going through the motions, not sure what the future holds, or what I should shoot for. Sure, I like Jeff at last. I am honest with myself, my wife, and working on my relationships, but where do I go with it? For all I have done, I still dont feel complete, and see no point where I will ever feel normal. Is there a point where a person is recovered, where they are no longer a survivor? I dont see any, but I also am not sure that has to be a bad thing.

Being a survivor means I am focused on relating to myself and the world around me on pure and honest terms. It means being aware of who I am, and of how I relate to my kids and wife. I take things slower, measuring my steps, and enjoy the little things I used to overlook.

If you figure it out. Let me know what name I should call my self next. For now, survivor is the only thing that seems to fit.
 
blacken - here's something i realized to day:

this took me a long time to realize - i have learned not to pressure my self - to be as

i have needed to be day in and day out for me - and this is my journal entry for today:

everyday a batle-

i have realized that every day is a battle to keep happy -

there are so many things i wasn't taught when growing up-

my life was for the most part about my parents needs -

in terms of their business - and psychosis -

my behavior was always deamed inappropriate selfish or immoral -

unlikeable - and worthy of sadistic abuse -

not recognizing any success i had or wanting me to succeed beyond their successes

and really at times not survive at all - despite the occassional rhetoric which supported

their respective "image"-

(besides the sa)

after battling with mental illnes now for near for a long time -

i am realizing that life is not proprieties - in fact life is not just about

stark pragmatics --

life in the most part is about battling to keep happy personally day in and day out - keeping objective enough to see the crucial humanities -

but personally involved - for day to day survival

and happiness -

this involves making decisions I can live with - emotionally and survival-wise -

decisions which help me stay happy day to day and keep me viable as a self sufficient 'mgb'

- self reliant financially and emotionally --

this does not mean i don't want to make someone happy - or have a significant other or platonic relationships - in fact life really is wonderful

when giving to someone i care about and seeing the pleasure in his face at a small gift

or just loving him -

but i know that ultimately i cannot make him happy in the long run -

and i am not responsible , in the same vain , for his feelings - despite the concern

or caring i have for the person -

there are many permutations of this thought - suffice it to say "at this moment" -

if not responsible for his feelings - i would be able to see beyond my own need to

direct the person i love to seek professional help in the case the severity of his pain

or need is beyond my ability and his ability to cope -

try to be good to yourself blacken - i know you can

i see the 'fight' in you in your posting -
 
If we spent a long time being victimized,

If we spent years seeing ourselves as victims, acting as victims,

If we worked hard and long to see ourselves as survivors,

How long would it take to learn a whole new way of living and seeing ourselves in which survivorship is merely a part not the single major theme? Can we muster the patience for ourselves, the courage and perserverance that will require? If there is time left in life, why not? Certainly we are not strangers to these requirements.

As for me, I have spent years just struggling with surviving what happened to me. I don't have a lot of hope for much more than that now. I have to believe that that alone is somehow worthwhile, that something as simple as just not dying, not giving into the flood of pain which hangs threateningly over me, is enough.

If I didn't believe that, if I didn't allow myself that, I wouldn't be here.
 
Blacken you said.
I forged impenetrable walls for my defense. I used anger and seclusion to keep up a false sense of safety & power over the circumstances to do it.

But this is all the past. What comes next?
Click to expand...
Impenetrable walls of defence can also be impenetrable walls of a prison. This can include emotions, beliefs, interaction with others, trust, openeness and all the other stuff. It was for me.

What comes next?

Well I like to call i the demolition period to clear the decks and start a new model ( what and who we actually are). is it tough to do. You bet it is. It can be scary to extreme. I mean we are all terrified of the unknown and we are setting about to destroy that which has helped us cope but impedes our growth as a person. We want to live life not merely pass through it.

Because you are here with us you know you are not alone and we will gladly help you in your demolition. We will do our best to see that no wall falls on you and your dont choke on the dust from the debris. We will even give you fresh wrecking hammers to help you.

And you know what we are also very good at helping with the new construction. Kind of supervise the process for you.

My brother you are gonna have to do the tough work but we are all with you in it just as you are with others doing the same wrecking. If you listen hard enough you can hear the hammers all around you. ;)
 
mike, thanks for the demolition peroid.i knew it wasnt denial,will never forgetand deal everyday with it but,have been trying to live with the walls down.seems like the ones who know of my sa want to dwell on it more than i do.its like im damageg goods.im happy,but its like oh what a front you cant be you were sa.know what i mean?anyway i do enjoy life,maYBE IVE HAD A HAMMER IN MY HAND FOR THE LAST 35 YEARS AND DIDNT KNOW. FACE
 
1. victim
2. survivor
3. success

I think that is how it can go.

leosha
 
Blacken,
Yet I feel I still have some growth before me that is possible before I feel cured.
Click to expand...
That sounds good to me, actually. I don't really believe in "cured" myself. I think I can someday get to the point where abuse issues are "manageable" and not the kind of triggers that they are today. I'll be able to work on just being a better person, almost like someone who was never abused might do.

Growth is a process, after all. If it were to end, where would I be then? A different kind of growth, maturing, whatever, should be possible when I get through the worst of this, but there really isn't an "end" in sight.

There's a lot of hope in your post. It sounds like you are able to focus your strength on other issues, to move beyond survivor to whatever comes next for you. That's where I want to go. Thanks for sharing that.

Joe
 
"VICTIM - SURVIVOR - THRIVER !"

Dave
 
Blacken -

"Well, whatever it is,that's where I am".

I think it's all part of the journey from the 'Never Never Land' existence that we had, to some of the better places that we can go.

I have just stepped off the worst path that I ever had to crawl along on my hands and knees (34 years it took me). Now that I'm off that path, I'm not sure where to head next. All I can see is fields of grass in front of me (no paths..looks as though no one has walked there yet)and I know that I must make a new path through that grass. I hope it turns out to be the right path then others may follow. If I stumble in the grass, I can get up again!

That path is about being with the people that I want to be with, doing things that I like doing, being happy and spreading that happiness to others. I've broken down my barriers, so now I need to use my mind and my hands to create some good things.

Just the fact that I'm smiling again is having some effect on both myself and those around me, so smile (don't have to do the grinning idiot bit - that frightens people). I intend to learn some things (languages), look at the sun, the trees - all the things that I had forgotten.

I think that after victim, survivor, the next step that we should experience is LIVING!

It may sound simple put like that, I know it's not but I'm working very hard at it.

Best wishes ....Rik
 
VICTORY...........


Another day to kick ass & be yourself again.

When in doubt ------ work out. :cool:
 
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