Very pissed off (poss triggers)

Very pissed off (poss triggers)
A

Archnut

Registrant
Why do I feel the way I do?

Have I upset anyone?
Have I done something wrong or am I being over sensitive again?

I asked the group for some support as I am writing my memories down in the form of a blog. So far one has visited and then that was only after I had asked him to take a look.

Or are people genuinely scared of taking a look becuas of triggers. If that is so I apologize.

Im feeling a little pissed off and jaded about this. Why cant I just shrug the disappointment off like any normal person can?

Comments are welcome as is constructive criticism.

For the purpose of my blog I have taken the ID of Dan as I am not quite ready to give up my anonymity just yet for legal reasons

Oh yes the blog site addy it is
https://waltonhop.blogspot.com/


Cheers

Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"
 
Hi there archnut,

first of let me say i dont think that you have upset anyone or done anything wrong. i have been to your page and read your stories. and the thing i think is "brave guy for writeing this all down", there were a few triggers for myself in it but different things trigger different people. i admire your courage in for writeing it and i am very proud of you. if only i could find the courage inside myself to let my thoughts out like that. i admire you for your courage and hope i may follow in your footsteps and speak out about my SA. please keep up the good work my friend you are a voice for each and everyone of us....

best wishes

Irsih..
 
Archnut,

Please consider, too, that there is a lot of material there. These past few days have been a holiday here in the US of A, and the level of posting here seems to have been a little lower than usual as a result.

I have read a lot of it, though not all. To me, the parts I've read so far tell a true story of survival. Through some tremendously difficult times, you always found some way to keep going. I think that is an important quality in the people who will eventually take action to recover. Situations which seem so hopeless to some are just "the latest difficulty" to overcome. Granted, we cause a lot of those difficulties while we're acting out, but that doesn't make them any easier.

I just wanted you to know that you are heard.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Archnut,

I have also seen your blog. Read some of it. But truth to tell, I have so much reading going on right now, I don't have a lot of time to look at all the sites I should.

It's a good thing that you are doing this, but don't be upset if people who view it don't comment. It's nothing personal. And I'm glad you're putting it out there.

Peace,

Marc
 
Arch,

I've read every word. Most of them more than once. And I've clicked on almost every link too.

I was pleased as hell to see a new entry yesterday. I tried to leave comments there, but only blogspot members can do so.

I'm sorry I didn't PM you to tell you that you're doing great. It's fascinating and well done.

Your writing weaves together various time periods, snapshots of events and feelings and motivations into a single journey that becomes broader and clearer with each paragraph.

I hear the younger parts of you speaking clearly, revealing themselves a bit more as you reference their time and mention a detail.

I see realization growing through your tales and I consider it all to be a continuation or exploration of what we discussed in PM's last week.

I know I should have PM'ed you back, but I have been over-sensitive myself lately, and when you didn't respond to my last PM, I assumed you didn't want to hear from me.

Not your fault, don't get me wrong. I'm having a tough time lately. This weekend was horrors, pure horrors.

I've made some posts here lately, trying to reach out. I got some support, from very good people (thanks Bob & MGB), but in my state it wasn't enough.

I guess I was hoping to hear from certain individuals, or I was hoping for someone to say WHAT'S WRONG?

I deleted my recent posts. The stupid thing is, I probably deleted them before the people I wanted to hear from saw them.

DOn't want to turn this into apity party for me.

Keep writing. I'm reading and honored to do so. I'll send a note now and again, if only to say I am still reading.

Donald
 
I checked it out and was overwhelmed with the shear volume of reading. I read a little and plan to go back (let me know how to get to the beginning).

I know EXACTLY how you feel when you didnt get the response you were looking for, the validation and all that. The same thing was happening to me here, I would spend an hour writing what I thought would be a knockout of a post that turned out only to catch a few peoples eye.

It really isnt you, what you have done is a tremendous undertaking and you should be extremely proud of your accomplishment (that isnt patronization, its true). What you are doing is extremely valuable; keep it up for you and your healing, if nothing else.

Curtis
 
Please do not think you have hurt or offended people here. You, like all of us, want to heal and help others to do so as well.

I have chosen not to go to your site. Not becuase I do not want to support you, I want to support ALL of our brothers!

Honestly ... I am scared! There is still so much of me that I have not yet gotten to. I was afraid your info might be too much for me to read at this stage of the game for me.

However, I am very proud of you for doing so! After reading some of these postings, maybe I will try and peek, but not this morning :cool:

An honest thank you for trying to do something like this for all of us!

PEACE!

TJ
 
i have read some of your log. i guess i should have said something before, but reading so much pain is sometimes hard for me. it doesnt so much trigger me any more, but it tires me. so much hurting here and on another site i visit, sometimes it is a bit too much.

i think it is very brave to share your journal. i keep one, but i keep it very private. i hope yours helps others, and think it will. sorry i didnt reply last time, but after reading it i had to take a break for a while.
 
I have read some it, skimmed some of it, but got only up to May 30 ('Three'). There's a lot of material there. Some of it would've triggered things for me at one time. Its not offensive but is chock full of detailed descriptions of experience so I am glad you warned people that it might contain triggers for some.

Some of it strikes a familiar chord, partly because of similar experience and partly because I work with an agency that helps homeless teenagers many of whom recently or still are using sex to survive on the street.

(Its still abuse when someone older or in a position of power or authority is doing it. It doesn't matter if some exchange such as money or shelter is involved and doesn't matter if the person being abused thinks they are enjoying it or tolerating it or anything like that.)

I come from a long line of alcoholics, too. I discovered that when researching genealogy.

I don't know if its 'nature or nurture' but I do know that I had to stop drinking and get sober before I could even start to deal with the abuse I had experienced.

In fact, the drinking was a kind of self-medication for dealing with the feelings of pain and despair (mostly bured in my subconcious) that I was experiencing as a result of the abuse.

I know that the kids we help here have to get off the street before they can make permanent progress towards having happy lives. We see that happen over and over again. We also see many who don't make it. Some of them, we know--there's really no other way of saying it--die on the street. Some just disappear.

Here, also, shelters are a dangerous place both in terms of violence and sexual abuse. Teenagers in particular are at risk there. We work with shelters that are specifically for teenagers.

We have found that in order to get off the street, kids have to first get into a safe shelter, then get some kind of employment, start a work history, and complete their education.

Eventually, if they can stick to that path, with the help of case workers, we can get them into transitional living situations which eventually lead to independent and usually happy lives.

I was also was homeless and on the street (briefly, thankfully) when I was a teenager. The first night after I ran away I was sexually abused and almost the victim of violence also. I slept (though I can hardly call it that as I had to remain vigilant the whole time) and had nothing to eat.

Programs like the one I work for were not in exisitence then. For kids like myself, surviving on the street was the only option and using sex for survival was taken for granted.

We can all go on and on with our stories, I am sure. But fundamentally the story is the same I think. Life is very hard when anyone has to live with the effects of childhood sexual abuse.

I've come a long way. I know for certain that the help, guidance and support I have gotten from the guys on this site have done a lot to help me get to this point.
 
Archnut,

I haven't visited your blog. And I don't do this because I'm callous or uncaring.

I open myself up VERY deeply here. And I read other people's pain here. And I see this stuff on the news and in the newspapers.

It hurts, my friend. And I fear what you've put in your blog. I'm afraid of FEELING your pain in its entirety.

I'm a coward that way, but it's how I feel.

But I also owe you that, because you've helped me face my own issues.

So, I will visit in the future, when I feel grounded.

I'm sorry if you feel I've avoided that, and you. I have, but it's because I'm scared to.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Archnut
king, patton and the rest of these evil men were part of what was possibly the most notorious pedo' trial the UK has ever seen, and it ain't over yet.
king will be released sometime, and with an ego the size of a continent he's going to come out fighting. And the media frenzy will start all over again.

I know that we've got / had some other Survivors of high profile perps here at MS, and the added pressure must create it's own problems quite seperate to the actual abuse.
Is this something that is even considered by any 'helping service' that you ( all ) deal with ?
Survivors of clergy abuse now get specialist help tailored towards their particular problems, but what help is available for those of you that have to fight off the press ?

Good blog as well, it deserves a wide audience.

Dave
 
I haven't been here. But I read your other post, and I have stored your site. I am not sure how much of it I will read. It seems kind of like reading another's life, which I sometime have problems with, maybe because I normally am so private with my own. I'm sorry that you are upset by it. I wish you good luck.

Leosha
 
My wife has just added her own thoughts on living with a survivor of CSA at the same blog site.

Boy did I put her through it :(

I just want to make a public announcement.

Thankyou, for putting up with me, for listening to me, trying to understand me and thanks for having patience. If it hadnt been for you I would not be alive today.

I dont even know how to begin to repay you.

I love you very much I just wish i could show it more.

Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"
 
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