very perplexed...

very perplexed...
A

acacia164

New Registrant
I'm a 51 yo old male...my relationship pattern has been the same for, well FOREVER.....I become attracted to a woman and we go out.....maybe after a few dates we have sex and we have become officially "boyfriend and girlfriend"....initially the sex is always good.......but as the weeks (and months) go by, I CAN'T DO IT anymore...I mean I lose any urge to have sex with my girlfriend, even though during the day I have strong sexual thoughts about women all the time.......I have to believe this is related to my being sexually abused as a boy (though I have no definite memories of that)....for a long time, I figured I must be gay...but I tried that too and I still have those sexual urges toward women - just not toward my girlfriend!! Where I work there are young attractive women and sometimes I get home still "excited" but STILL find it difficult to have sex with my girlfriend!!??
 
Acacia,

Are you seeing a Therapist on a regular basis? What does your Therpaist say about this?

When I start dating someone I really like I put off having sex for as long as I can. Its like I don't want to spoil the relationship with sex or have it become the center of dating. I know its linked to the abuse.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
Acacia,

There are a lot of possible reasons for your problem I think, and if you were abused as a boy then sexuality in general could become very complicated in many ways.

Born to Resist has a great idea here. This really needs to be taken up with a therapist in order to sort out clearly what is going on.

Much love,
Larry
 
I just met a girl who is awesome. I really just wanted her to be a good friend, something i don't really have right now, but instead it went way to quick. Once sex got involved I lost all sense of my own personal boundaries. I did whatever I was supposed to. I felt like I was completely not in control of myself, like I was stuck. I couldn't leave her house even though I needed space, and I woke up in the middle of the night having a panic attack. This girl is so nice and I feel sort of lame but I don't think I can handle a sexual relationship right now. Its like somebody else is control, and while I like the pleasureable release of sex it confuses everything else for me. My Therapist says our culture puts sex on a pedastal way above intimacy, and believes the two must go hand in hand when in fact intimacy can be very powerful without sex , and sex, at times, can ruin intimacy.
 
Yes, I guess therapy is a pretty good idea right now. I understand what you are saying about "sex and intimacy". Due I believe to my molestation by a male "friend" of the family when I was a toddler, my feelings, attitudes, instincts, etc about sex are messed up...the concept of "sex with my significant other" (other than light kissing, hugging, touching) is still a foreign one for me...
 
Acacia,

MY thought would be that once your relationship with a woman becomes sexual, your feelings of attraction and affection for her are gradually overwhelmed by the old feeling - stuck in your head as a child - that sex means using and exploiting someone like you were used and exploited. You don't want to "become" like the one who abused you, so your own natural and healthy sexual interests and urges with respect to your girlfriend are soon undermined and hijacked.

Like I said, I would take this up with a T.

Much love,
Larry
 
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