Very long, may trigger...New here and DESPERATE! Please help!
Id like to introduce myself, tell you all who I am and who he is that I love so much but I have come to the end of my rope, a place where I do not care to be and I desperately need some guidance/advice from people who have been dealing with this a lot longer than I. I will set down a few specifics about my own past so everyone can clearly see why we have a double dynamic going on here. At the age of 5, I was sexually abused by my then step father. This went on for the entire year he and mom were married. At the age of 15, I was raped. Although there is more to the story, little things here and there throughout my life that have been abuse too, these were the two major events. After that, I acted out to the extreme. I was exceedingly promiscuous and extraordinarily detached from the whole sexual act. For me, it is was always more of a hurry up and get done kind of thing. I never felt any emotion but I continued to spread my legs because that is what I somehow believed I was good for. When I was in my early 20s I began seriously working on my issues and got to a place where I no longer believed I was to blame, or that I was only good for sex. I began to have healthier relationships although I still remained detached emotionally during sex. I am now 36 and 8 months ago I met my boyfriend. I disclosed to him early on. He is the man that I have waited my entire life to find, the right man for me in so very many ways..BUT.
After we had been together for a few months, he began to disclose bits and pieces of his own CA at the hands of his mother. This occurred from the time he was seven until he was 13. Knowing this literally broke my heart. Little did I know that when he continued disclosing I was the only person he had ever told so much. He had tried in the past with ex-wives and others and would test the waters, so to speak, but would meet with others who didnt seem to care, who believed the myth that boys cannot actually be abused sexually, or they simply didnt believe him. I was the first person he says that he could ever look at and know believed him. So to date, he has disclosed and has in effect freed himself from the burden of carrying such a heavy weight all alone, but it has made some things very ugly and very scary. On two occasions, this man whom I adore forced himself on me, in effect raping me. On way too many occasions to count, this man has asked me to go places sexually that I do not feel I can go, but if I falter he pushes until he gets his way. He drinks so much now and though he says it helps take it away, I watch from the outside and find that if he drinks too much it puts him right in the middle of his yesterdays and his abuse and he relives it which is when his behaviors against me take place. Let me just say that he was the first person I ever experienced any real emotion with during sex, I opened myself fully for the first time, (I did this before I knew what happened to him as a boy or any of the rest of the story about his teenage years and 20s). I allowed myself to put heart into the act, to really feel something. Once I found out however and his insanity worsened I began to retreat inside my shell. It isnt so easy to be back there now that I know what making love is, what it can really be like to be truly intimate with another person. She coerced him. She abused him, hitting him and beating him, to get her way. She shared him with a friend. She did all manner of unspeakable things to her own son and he eventually did all manner of unspeakable things to himself now, I pay the price. He wants me to hurt him physically during sex but sometimes he hurts me and I do not like it either way. He pretends I am Momma, acts like a little boy during sex and I find this most difficult of all to bear. He calls me names, gropes and grabs and basically treats me like I am still the girl I used to be. (Keep in mind that this only usually arises when he has been drinking.) I despise it, I hate it, I want it to go awaybut I love this man and know how damaging CA can be. I do not want to give up or quit. I know he is broken. I know he wants to heal. I know he does not mean to hurt me. I know he steps way over the lines but he doesnt mean to. I know he is so early in his recovery that the past is flaring in him very strongly now. I know that I am the only one there he can share it with or take it out on. When he isnt back there in his mind we have a beautiful relationship. He is a hard man, not always easy to approach or to love but he has detached too. He never wanted to love anyone, but he did and I am that lucky lady. I do consider myself lucky, though perhaps I shouldnt. I do believe we can make it intact if we both find ways to cope. This is the problem, his behaviors are affecting me very negatively. I find myself to be detaching further and further because once I opened myself I became very vulnerable and it has gotten to the point that I have come to dread sexual activity with him not only because of his fantasies, role playing, and rare but there nevertheless attacks but also because I FINALLY had learned what it really was supposed to be. I have learned he has to go some place else in his mind in order to orgasm when we are together. I have learned that although he pushes very hard for the fantasy type thing he is never fulfilled by them. I have learned that if during intimate moments if he really starts feeling emotionally connected and vulnerable, he starts to shake, gets really nervous and will eventually change it all up or pull away completely. I have learned that he loves but doesnt know how. I have tried to tell him how his behaviors are impacting me. I want and need love from him. I never want to feel that all I am good for is sex the way he must have it. I want a normal, healthy, happy relationship. The man I fell in love with is not the man he is. He hid the real man from me until he learned he could trust me with who he really is. Let me again stress that I do love this man and am committed to standing beside him all the way. However, must I not draw lines? Must I not say enough is enough, I cant do it this way for you anymore because it is tearing me to shreds? He seems to think I make too much of things because my stack of issues is so small and insignificant compared to his which belittles me and tells me that my own abuse is nothing in comparison and, no, in many ways it is not, but my hurt still hurts the same as his does. What can I do to be constructive, to be positive, to be an encourager, to be supportive without allowing for the destruction of my own soul in order to meet his needs. I dont want to be Momma. I dont want to hurt him physically. I dont want him to hurt me. I dont want to fear him because his rage can be against me although I am not the person that abused him. I dont want have to quit on a man I think is truly worth loving and fighting for. He does love and fight for us when he is not lost back there in his mind. When he is back there, I am the enemy it seems. Please someone help me. I love him but I cant keep doing this. There HAS to be another way. I have encouraged him to come here. He said he isnt ready. So I suggested maybe he just start by reading others posts. He said he would. I said fantasies are fine but there are some that should remain fantasy. I dont think he agrees with that only because he wants it that way so badly. Please, any advice anyone could give ESPECIALLY survivors would mean so much to me. I need help. Thanks to everyone who responds to this in advance.
After we had been together for a few months, he began to disclose bits and pieces of his own CA at the hands of his mother. This occurred from the time he was seven until he was 13. Knowing this literally broke my heart. Little did I know that when he continued disclosing I was the only person he had ever told so much. He had tried in the past with ex-wives and others and would test the waters, so to speak, but would meet with others who didnt seem to care, who believed the myth that boys cannot actually be abused sexually, or they simply didnt believe him. I was the first person he says that he could ever look at and know believed him. So to date, he has disclosed and has in effect freed himself from the burden of carrying such a heavy weight all alone, but it has made some things very ugly and very scary. On two occasions, this man whom I adore forced himself on me, in effect raping me. On way too many occasions to count, this man has asked me to go places sexually that I do not feel I can go, but if I falter he pushes until he gets his way. He drinks so much now and though he says it helps take it away, I watch from the outside and find that if he drinks too much it puts him right in the middle of his yesterdays and his abuse and he relives it which is when his behaviors against me take place. Let me just say that he was the first person I ever experienced any real emotion with during sex, I opened myself fully for the first time, (I did this before I knew what happened to him as a boy or any of the rest of the story about his teenage years and 20s). I allowed myself to put heart into the act, to really feel something. Once I found out however and his insanity worsened I began to retreat inside my shell. It isnt so easy to be back there now that I know what making love is, what it can really be like to be truly intimate with another person. She coerced him. She abused him, hitting him and beating him, to get her way. She shared him with a friend. She did all manner of unspeakable things to her own son and he eventually did all manner of unspeakable things to himself now, I pay the price. He wants me to hurt him physically during sex but sometimes he hurts me and I do not like it either way. He pretends I am Momma, acts like a little boy during sex and I find this most difficult of all to bear. He calls me names, gropes and grabs and basically treats me like I am still the girl I used to be. (Keep in mind that this only usually arises when he has been drinking.) I despise it, I hate it, I want it to go awaybut I love this man and know how damaging CA can be. I do not want to give up or quit. I know he is broken. I know he wants to heal. I know he does not mean to hurt me. I know he steps way over the lines but he doesnt mean to. I know he is so early in his recovery that the past is flaring in him very strongly now. I know that I am the only one there he can share it with or take it out on. When he isnt back there in his mind we have a beautiful relationship. He is a hard man, not always easy to approach or to love but he has detached too. He never wanted to love anyone, but he did and I am that lucky lady. I do consider myself lucky, though perhaps I shouldnt. I do believe we can make it intact if we both find ways to cope. This is the problem, his behaviors are affecting me very negatively. I find myself to be detaching further and further because once I opened myself I became very vulnerable and it has gotten to the point that I have come to dread sexual activity with him not only because of his fantasies, role playing, and rare but there nevertheless attacks but also because I FINALLY had learned what it really was supposed to be. I have learned he has to go some place else in his mind in order to orgasm when we are together. I have learned that although he pushes very hard for the fantasy type thing he is never fulfilled by them. I have learned that if during intimate moments if he really starts feeling emotionally connected and vulnerable, he starts to shake, gets really nervous and will eventually change it all up or pull away completely. I have learned that he loves but doesnt know how. I have tried to tell him how his behaviors are impacting me. I want and need love from him. I never want to feel that all I am good for is sex the way he must have it. I want a normal, healthy, happy relationship. The man I fell in love with is not the man he is. He hid the real man from me until he learned he could trust me with who he really is. Let me again stress that I do love this man and am committed to standing beside him all the way. However, must I not draw lines? Must I not say enough is enough, I cant do it this way for you anymore because it is tearing me to shreds? He seems to think I make too much of things because my stack of issues is so small and insignificant compared to his which belittles me and tells me that my own abuse is nothing in comparison and, no, in many ways it is not, but my hurt still hurts the same as his does. What can I do to be constructive, to be positive, to be an encourager, to be supportive without allowing for the destruction of my own soul in order to meet his needs. I dont want to be Momma. I dont want to hurt him physically. I dont want him to hurt me. I dont want to fear him because his rage can be against me although I am not the person that abused him. I dont want have to quit on a man I think is truly worth loving and fighting for. He does love and fight for us when he is not lost back there in his mind. When he is back there, I am the enemy it seems. Please someone help me. I love him but I cant keep doing this. There HAS to be another way. I have encouraged him to come here. He said he isnt ready. So I suggested maybe he just start by reading others posts. He said he would. I said fantasies are fine but there are some that should remain fantasy. I dont think he agrees with that only because he wants it that way so badly. Please, any advice anyone could give ESPECIALLY survivors would mean so much to me. I need help. Thanks to everyone who responds to this in advance.
