Very long, confusing, triggers
This is long, this is confusing, because I am confused of it, just real crazy thing, and I do not know what to think on it.
Anyone who do not known it before, I was abuse by four different men, but one, he was one who 'give me' to the others, cause that to happen more. More the one who been 'in control' of it all? He was one I fear, because I would see him sometime at events both us would need be at, not the others, one of others, more I was scared of, but he is one now in prison. This man, he was one I seen more. We have 'issue' even as I am adult, year and half ago. Last year, I tell to him, well, it is not that what you done isn't bad, and it is not that I would not want you to have consequece of it; but from me, my soul, to whatever it is you are, you have my grace, because each us must live with what you done; I can live very good with me, but I could not live if I was you I think. He listen to what I say, which surprise me, and then walk away, not say nothing.
I seen him some this last few months, at events. I find out, he take care of my back surggery (he was one who injure my back near 4 years ago). The last I seen him, I was in locker area, he ask of me to see where was the surgery; then he ask me what they do to help me to heal of it, and talk of how it help, if I get mesage done, and he touch my back, rubbing it, he say make sure they massage to near the surgery to make it heal, and to have him touch me at all, just it upset me and scare me, and I just get away of him. He did not hurt me, but it scare me, and make me feel strange, that he touch me at all.
I know this do not happen just with me, what happen now. I get letter from him. In it, he say to me, what he say, that to apologize now, from him, he know it would not be meaning, it is just the words. But he wanted to tell to me that. he is sorry. He write long letter, he tell me some his life, as child. It is as many, I think, abusers, that he was abuse also, as the child. He grow up, and go to much alcohol, it is not uncommen thing in our country. he say that it is not he done that whole time of coaching (more then 35 years), that he can not expect I will believe him, but it was not he always done these things, and not in way he done them with me. He tell me some other things, and then say to me, that when I speak that to him,last year, it change him, how he want to be. He tell to me he respect me, because he know how much he damage me, how much he allow others even do more worse harm to me, and it do not ruin me. He tell to me that I am one of most good people he know of, and that still I can be strong, and maybe good to, it show to him, he want to change himself. He say after that, last year, he stop the drink, go to gropu to do that, and even, he consider to just kill hiself, he feel much guilt on what things he done to me and some other boys. He do not know what to do, he do not want to cause his family harm. But he know it, he have to 'face up us' to me and other boys he harm. He say much more, it is long and personal letter, it say maybe more that I do not want so much to know of him, but I guess he feel need to say it. It was many pages long, and to me, to read it, it feel 'real'? Like it was truth, he mean it? I do not know.
It just surprise me very much. I tell to a friend I am traveling with right now of it, because he know some my historys, and know of some things this man done. He tell to me that this man call to him last week, to try to be able to contact me, and he do not tell to him my phone number, and he did not tell to me about it because he did not want to upset me. So I think on it, and yesterday, I talk with this man on phone. I know, he send letter, he talk with another friend of mine he abuse, and I am sure he done to other persons also that he have harmed. Or, I think so.
He speak with me some more on phone, of same things, and say he was wanting to talk with me, and some other persons. I ask him why it is, and he ask me, do you want it, that I turn in myself to police. He say he want to do now, finally, what is 'right' thing. He say so long, he done wrong things, now he want to do right thing. So he ask me, and ask this other person I know, what we want him to do. I tell to him, I will not make that choice for you. You say you want to do 'right' thing, let us see you do it. You are grown man, you are not stupid, you know what is 'right'. By ask of me if I 'want' you do that, you are manipulating me. You are being coward of not making decision yourself, but to put it onto me. So if I say yes, you take yourself to police, and your life gets very bad, your family hate you, you go to prison, anything as that, you will put blame of it to me, instead of that it is your own actions that you now have consequence of. I will not let you control me into making that choice for you, you must do what you true believe is best and right.
This man. I do not know. i think there is good to him, inside. He have wife and children, and he is good to his family. All us know what damage abuse can do to us, even though most us here do not go on to abuse others like he done.
I do not have reason to believe him. But his words, in his letter, and his words and voice on phone, he sound real. I think honest, he want to make right.
I do not know I can just 'let go' so much right now. The back surgery, not so long ago, and still, there is pain and some leftover trouble from it. There is been times, the last some months, I have felt maybe I hate him. I do not know I really 'hate' anyone.
I do not know what I ask here, of all this. Maybe I should tell him, as other person did, yes, turn in yourself to police, and go to prison. But, wouldn't that require me to go against him, like court? I do not know, if he is ready to do 'right' thing, if I am ready to have my name put in this also. Him doing right thing,I should also, yes? I don't know. I do not know what to think on him, or on this whole thing. It confuse and upset me, I can not sleep, and when I do not sleep so much, I get crazy in my head. I feel sick, not happy that he apologizing, and is hard to think rightly.
I am sorry, part I do not even want to post this, because it is so much confusion. I feel much the idiot.
andrei
Anyone who do not known it before, I was abuse by four different men, but one, he was one who 'give me' to the others, cause that to happen more. More the one who been 'in control' of it all? He was one I fear, because I would see him sometime at events both us would need be at, not the others, one of others, more I was scared of, but he is one now in prison. This man, he was one I seen more. We have 'issue' even as I am adult, year and half ago. Last year, I tell to him, well, it is not that what you done isn't bad, and it is not that I would not want you to have consequece of it; but from me, my soul, to whatever it is you are, you have my grace, because each us must live with what you done; I can live very good with me, but I could not live if I was you I think. He listen to what I say, which surprise me, and then walk away, not say nothing.
I seen him some this last few months, at events. I find out, he take care of my back surggery (he was one who injure my back near 4 years ago). The last I seen him, I was in locker area, he ask of me to see where was the surgery; then he ask me what they do to help me to heal of it, and talk of how it help, if I get mesage done, and he touch my back, rubbing it, he say make sure they massage to near the surgery to make it heal, and to have him touch me at all, just it upset me and scare me, and I just get away of him. He did not hurt me, but it scare me, and make me feel strange, that he touch me at all.
I know this do not happen just with me, what happen now. I get letter from him. In it, he say to me, what he say, that to apologize now, from him, he know it would not be meaning, it is just the words. But he wanted to tell to me that. he is sorry. He write long letter, he tell me some his life, as child. It is as many, I think, abusers, that he was abuse also, as the child. He grow up, and go to much alcohol, it is not uncommen thing in our country. he say that it is not he done that whole time of coaching (more then 35 years), that he can not expect I will believe him, but it was not he always done these things, and not in way he done them with me. He tell me some other things, and then say to me, that when I speak that to him,last year, it change him, how he want to be. He tell to me he respect me, because he know how much he damage me, how much he allow others even do more worse harm to me, and it do not ruin me. He tell to me that I am one of most good people he know of, and that still I can be strong, and maybe good to, it show to him, he want to change himself. He say after that, last year, he stop the drink, go to gropu to do that, and even, he consider to just kill hiself, he feel much guilt on what things he done to me and some other boys. He do not know what to do, he do not want to cause his family harm. But he know it, he have to 'face up us' to me and other boys he harm. He say much more, it is long and personal letter, it say maybe more that I do not want so much to know of him, but I guess he feel need to say it. It was many pages long, and to me, to read it, it feel 'real'? Like it was truth, he mean it? I do not know.
It just surprise me very much. I tell to a friend I am traveling with right now of it, because he know some my historys, and know of some things this man done. He tell to me that this man call to him last week, to try to be able to contact me, and he do not tell to him my phone number, and he did not tell to me about it because he did not want to upset me. So I think on it, and yesterday, I talk with this man on phone. I know, he send letter, he talk with another friend of mine he abuse, and I am sure he done to other persons also that he have harmed. Or, I think so.
He speak with me some more on phone, of same things, and say he was wanting to talk with me, and some other persons. I ask him why it is, and he ask me, do you want it, that I turn in myself to police. He say he want to do now, finally, what is 'right' thing. He say so long, he done wrong things, now he want to do right thing. So he ask me, and ask this other person I know, what we want him to do. I tell to him, I will not make that choice for you. You say you want to do 'right' thing, let us see you do it. You are grown man, you are not stupid, you know what is 'right'. By ask of me if I 'want' you do that, you are manipulating me. You are being coward of not making decision yourself, but to put it onto me. So if I say yes, you take yourself to police, and your life gets very bad, your family hate you, you go to prison, anything as that, you will put blame of it to me, instead of that it is your own actions that you now have consequence of. I will not let you control me into making that choice for you, you must do what you true believe is best and right.
This man. I do not know. i think there is good to him, inside. He have wife and children, and he is good to his family. All us know what damage abuse can do to us, even though most us here do not go on to abuse others like he done.
I do not have reason to believe him. But his words, in his letter, and his words and voice on phone, he sound real. I think honest, he want to make right.
I do not know I can just 'let go' so much right now. The back surgery, not so long ago, and still, there is pain and some leftover trouble from it. There is been times, the last some months, I have felt maybe I hate him. I do not know I really 'hate' anyone.
I do not know what I ask here, of all this. Maybe I should tell him, as other person did, yes, turn in yourself to police, and go to prison. But, wouldn't that require me to go against him, like court? I do not know, if he is ready to do 'right' thing, if I am ready to have my name put in this also. Him doing right thing,I should also, yes? I don't know. I do not know what to think on him, or on this whole thing. It confuse and upset me, I can not sleep, and when I do not sleep so much, I get crazy in my head. I feel sick, not happy that he apologizing, and is hard to think rightly.
I am sorry, part I do not even want to post this, because it is so much confusion. I feel much the idiot.
andrei
