Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...

Very embarassed to be here, but not sure where else to go...
Ken,

Welcome. There is no embarassment in getting help coping with what he had done to you. The embarassment, shame, disgust, and you name it is his, that thing that claimed to be a man, a teacher, and a scout leader.

The guys have pretty much said it all. Joe was really on a roll tonight and gave you a lot of good insight along with the others.

Welcome, take care, and don't be afraid or embarassed to ask a question, post a concern or let out a rant.

Take care,
Bill
 
I just got off the phone with the toronto Rape crisis center.

Probably one of the saddest/funniest experiences of my life.

I'm not sure what i expected, but I did expect her to display some interest..lol. Kinda felt like I woke her up.

I know it was probably a random bad experience, but I'm not sure I'll be calling them back.

Originally posted by theo:
ken,
this stuff comes hard won, i assure :D . do not feel embarrassed by not being able to discover it yourself. when we only have the experience of forcing squares into triangle holes, our way of finding solutions will necessarily be very limited. it begins tonight, my friend. there is an image i frequently use that means a lot to me. it is the image drawn from my thelogy research from a master of the discipline. he speaks of the ever expanding horizon as representing the journey we are on in reaching for the holy and the sacred. to me this is about hope. there have been many times i have felt close to the end. in fact, i tried to commit suicide as a child, and once as an adult. when i am feeling so down, it is a struggle of epic proportions to turn my head to the horizon when it is buried in the dirt, but i succeed somehow. we are here to welcome you. you are no longer alone, ken, we stand with you.
Click to expand...
 
Ken,
Hi, I'm new here too. From a female perspective, I think you're great & doing the right thing by writing to these guys. They will help you & support you & carry you through. I've been on the site for a weeks & I've seen it happen. They are all wonderful. People on this site care. It's like family. Hang in there & know that you have lots of friends here who will listen. Take care of yourself & remember, you are special.
The girl with the big heart,
Nancy
 
Ken,
One more thing. Remember, you're not alone. And you were never at fault. We care for you & believe in you.
Take care.
The girl with the big heart,
Nancy
 
I know what helped me find a good therapist, it was the Male Survivor Directory. There is a therapist in Toronto on the list.

Jeremy Tomlinson

I know that he will show more interest then the women at the Rape Crisis Center.
 
Ken,

Suggestion...contact "The Men's Project" in Ottawa and ask them to refer you to someone trained in male sexual abuse in Toronto. You can reach them at [email protected]

You can also click on "survivors" at the top of the page and look under "find a therapist". If you need more help don't be afraid to ask.

Taz
 
Ken

Just found a name of a therapist in Toronto who is a member of MaleSurvivor. His name is Jeremy Tomlinson, M.Ed. 416-486-2161. Good luck.

Taz
 
Your crash has mine beat. I mostly broke my ego and my bike. I've had mixed results with the rape crisis centers. One near me has wonderful people who are fully educated and familiar with all kinds of Sexual Assault and Abuse, another has very limited knowledge and resources. Try the one in the next town / county. You can also try looking for a therapist by using the feature on this site. I have contacted one of the ones from this site that is close to me and asked for references to a therapist in my area.
 
Ken,Welcome////////I also set out to be the man of all men.I also was molested by a trusted teacher.I have had the same feelings and questions loaded with emotion.You are now on your way of becoming a man like no other.A man who is now healing and not hiding.There is no pain like healing.The men here are exceptional,they are well above the worlds definition of what real men are.Deal and heal cause you gotta feel./////////////////faceman
 
Ken,

First, let me say what's already been said. I'm so sorry this happened to you, but I'm glad you found this place. Everyone who comes here understands what you've gone through and are going through. You shouldn't feel embarassed, although it's perfectly normal. Everything you feel is normal and to be expected.

Now, to further prove you're not alone in this, I was sexually abused and raped by a school counsellor over the course of, I don't know, months when I was 11 and 12. He did it all at school. I repressed it for over twenty years until you see an adult who feels like it was yesterday.

Everything you're dealing with, the emotional isolation, the embarassment, the shame, ALL of it I've dealt with and continue to deal with.

A couple of things you can't hear enough. Ken, it wasn't your fault. IT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT. If you take nothing else away from this, take that away with you. YOU WERE NEVER TO BLAME AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE ASHAMED.

Also, by talking about it, you're taking back some of the power this animal took from you. And he did take it away, you know it. You've carried this damn secret long enough and you've felt ashamed for too damn long. Talk about it as much as you need to.

I, too, felt I "put up" with the bad stuff (God, just HEARING you say that, I felt your pain because I SAID THE SAME THING!) in order to get the love I felt I should. NEVER, NEVER FEEL THAT YOU HAVE TO "TRADE" LOVE. This monster taught you this, and it's the biggest lie of them all. What you did, and how you felt, was what a child would feel. There's no shame in it. The abuser used this to get what he wanted and it was NEVER your fault.

There's a lot of wisdom here, a lot of support. Without this board, I would be dead now. Come here as often as you need to and vent, post, observe, whatever you need to. I for one am excited to hear what you have to say.

One last thing, Ken. There's something I always say to any new brother I meet here. It's a bit offputting to some, because of what we may have experienced. But I mean it truly and I feel you need to hear it. I love you, Ken. There's no strings attached to it and I want nothing in return.

PM me or any of the other brothers if you feel the need to. We're always here for you.

Peace and love, Ken. You've found a good place to start healing.

Scot
 
Ken,

As MikeNY has said; "there's two types of bikers, those who have been down, and those who are going down". There is a lot of truth to that.

I had met this girl who wanted to know if I had laid my bike down yet, before she would ride with me. Yeap. On the street bike, I ended up with a broken shin bone when I laid my down and 'kicked' and bent the foot peg. That was the (hopefully) last time that had happened. Prior to that, one of the first times I had a passenger I inadvertantly pulled a wheely and 'dropped' my passenger. I see the logic for asking first and only riding with people that have gotten there fall out of the way.

The dirt and trial bikes are a bit different. There are a lot of falls involved. I have dislocated a shoulder out in the middle of nowhere and on another occassion broken a couple of ribs. I have learned, it is easier to reset a dislocated shoulder than it appears (ouch).

Enough of my misery,
Take care,
Bill
 
Ken. I am sorry I have not written sooner. Was at a Food Show with my Wife in Toronto.

You have received a hell of a lot to good comments and advice from the greatest bunch of guys that I have ever come across.

Ken I live in Mississauga and work in Toronto. Yes the Men's Project in Ottawa is a great one. Rick Goodwin the Director is on our Board of Directors.

In Toronto there is also the Gatehouse near Lakeshore and Kipling which runs mens groups througout the year. They also have a peer mentoring support group that I have been a part of.

If you would like to contact me directly please send me a PM.

My life was screwed up when I was raped at Military College in Quebec by three guys when I was 16 17. I am 63 now and did nothing about it till I was 56.

Stick with us. You have joined a unique brotherhood.
 
Ken,

welcome here. I think everyone here can relate to trying to avoid thinking or dealing with what has happened with us, or 'overcompensating' by being 'manly men'.

The first thing, you say you are embarrassed to be here. I recall feeling the same way when first I come here. But embarrassment comes from shame, and the shame should NOT be ours. It will take time before you are able to get beyond that feeling, but it is possible. I am starting to realize that I can put the shame and anger where it belongs, which is at the people who hurt me, not in myself.

Please know that 99.99% of the people here are genuine and supportive. Once in great while you will come across someone who is not who they present themselves as, or someone who is jackass that they DO present themself as! There is a saying to remember all compliments, and forget all insults. Well, same can be true here. If people tell you good things, supportive things, and make good suggestions, keep those in your mind. Other thigs, let them go and assume they are the words of someone in more pain and confusion then you.

I wish you good luck in the healing process. You have taken a big step, just to come here. Congratulations.

leosha
 
Ken - I was also groomed and then abused by an adult when I was 12. It was at a time when I was vulnerable and in need of a friend!

He was/is a pervert, I was just a kid!

No blame & no shame

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Ken,

It's good to get some of this stuff out in the open isn't it. I kept it all inside for 38 years before I told anyone at all.

Find a good therapist who has dealt with sexual child abuse of boys. I did that and I started to learn what feelings were about. I felt good and I felt bad but I felt.

I ride too. It's one of the things that I really enjoy doing.

Take good care of yourself Ken, the things that you're feeling and experiencing are some of the common effects of abuse. You're with friends here.

Steve
 
Ken - sorry I have not written sooner. I've been away for a bit. I'm sorry that you need a place like this, but am so glad you found us.

In the past six months, I have been helped more by this site than years of therapy I think. Just knowing that you aren't alone. Knowing that people understand what you are going through. It's intense. It's a great group of guys.

So welcome, and hope you keep posting. It's not only your pain anymore... it's ours now too.

-Sean
 
I wanted to thank everyone for the very warm welcome and the support you have given me.

It is such a relief to know that I'm not the only one with a "dirty little secret".

I had some real reservations about posting here, but I did it anyway. I have turned to the internet in the past for understandng and support and I ended up getting it by the bucket full from all over the world. (heck I even ended up getting published in a couple of news papers)

here is the link to that:

https://www.sportbikes.net/forums/showthread.php?t=20782&highlight=fuzzy1

It was that experience that taught me there are some really good people out there.

With that said what I am going through now makes what I went through then seem minor. I'm very greatfull to have a place like this to come to, with people like you here.

Thanks all!
 
Ken
I've just read all through this remarkable topic, and there isn't much I can add to the great help the guys have already given, although I can add some more support.

I've also read the topic on the bike site that you link to, and your story - for all it's sadness - adds to my faith that there are good and decent people out there and that online communities can be a great help.

It also pointed out to me why I haven't got a bike anymore, I'm 50yo and can't drive to the shop in my Landcruiser unless it's flat out !
And bikes have come a long way since I had a 500cc Triumph ;)

So take care, be a Survivor.

Dave
 
Well today isn't such a good day.

What ever triggered me a few days ago hasn't let up.

Last night while watching TV (Monster House rocks!) I felt my heart start racing, my skin became flushed. If I had to put a word to it I would say I was having an anxiety attack. I don't think I've ever had one of those so I'm not sure that is what was happening to me. All I can say is I went from calm and enoying a good tv show to this state of anxiety to a state of pure white rage. I took my dog for a walk hoping that I could figure out what was going on but that didn't help. I ended up spending most of the night in bed suffering through this silent rage.
I am not comfortable with the thought or sensation of losing control of my emotions. Having control over them has got me through life this far,,,
 
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