Very early SA not remembered

Very early SA not remembered
J

jalcnlmcl2003

Registrant
I have just started seeing a new T. It's actually the same T my wife and I are seeing together. I was VERY nervous about that, but the session was so much easier and comfortable than my old T, that I'm thinking it was a great idea. She has a wealth of experience that helps put things in better perspective.

One thing that she has already noticed is I have no tangible memories beyond the age of about 6. Whole periods of my life of completely blank to me. I've known that for some time, and have suspected that what happened to me at 10 may have also happened much earlier.

I'm not so sure I want to know if there really is anything there.

Has anyone had this kind of experience? I am VERY aware of what happened from when I was 10 until now. I remember some of it vividly. But can't get far enough back to know for certain that there isn't something more disturbing waiting there.
 
I think this is pretty common amongst survivors. Until recently I had no memories at all from ages 10-14, but my stepfather died last summer and since then I have been remembering a lot of things. I suppose my mind has realixed the threat is gone now that he is dead.
 
As far as memories about sa, it has taken me several months even now it is not clear. My T tells me that when the incident occurred I blank it out and never thought about it until this year. When I could not get away from it, I started working with my T. Now I have mosaic of the experience but I can't tell what time of the year or how old I am. I can only guess, but I defintite awareness of what happened. I cannot remember the number of times. I guess I do want to know more but I know that it will cause me more pain. I am determine to keep working on this, because I want not to be a victim but a survivor with a life.

It is difficult but keep working on it.

Chuck
 
I too have blank spots in my memory, from about 3 to 6, I have vivid memories from ages 1 and 2 and from 6 on.Ages 3-6 is when I believe that my SA occurred. But all I have really are clues and suspicions. The behavior of my parents from when I do remember was very physically and phsychologically abusive.I had intense sexual fantasies when I was in kindergarten. Through coming here and learning and talking with other survivors, I know in my heart that I was sexually abused. I am recovering. So worry not that you have no clear memories, you will know in your heart what is true. Trust yourself and you have begun to heal.
 
I too had large parts of my childhood missing. I did not remember any of my abuse which was from 2-14 until I was 40. It sucks but the memories are few and far between and the ones I ahve gotten back well, I wich i hadn't I think. Oh well...

Ken
 
You are not alone here. It took me 3 years, alot of reading, writing, talking to finally remember all that happened to me. It was even harder to say it out loud to my T, my wife etc. The mind is an incredible thing, the ability to black out the bad, the hurt, the shame, the guilt, the acting out, the lies all of it.
It will all come back to you when you are ready, it hurts like hell!!!! Remember, you were the victum, you did not ask for any of it or the effects it has had on your life. Stay strong, ask for help when it gets to be to much, be gentle on yourself as hard as it may be to do.
Bob
 
J2003 & all:

There have long been huge gaps in my memory, and also bits & pieces of isolated memories floating around. Especially about my SA, but also my whole life. Mostly anything before age 13 when I was put in a children's home, but even after that.

The irony of this is that I've also long had a few
distinct memories going way back into early childhood, and also memories of life in the womb. Which of course some believe is impossible.

To that I say the same thing as I say about my SA memories: I know what I remember and I trust it.

It hasn't always been that way. Its been a matter of not dissociating, suppressing & depersonalizing
the SA memories & starting to remember, as I did about 2 years ago (I'm 46).

The dam broke into about 6 months of fairly regular and very vivid flashbacks, and memories have continued to come since tho flashbacks are now infrequent. Mostly these were triggered by traumas like 9-11 and a car accident then thru therapy; they were not forced out.
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My SA memories came back to me clearly & almost exactly in reverse chronological order, starting with the last incident when I was 11 and going back to early infancy and even the covert emotional-sexual abuse in the womb.

All those scattered pieces I'd had were no longer isolated but started to fit with new memories into the pieces of the puzzle of my life.
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The puzzle is not yet complete, but it's coming together!

May the pieces of our puzzles continue to come together to form beautiful pictures of recovered & rebuilt lives!
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Victor
 
Yeah, I know what you guys mean. I've had a memory problem all my life. I can remember some of the abuse (5-13 years old) but only some of them. I get flashes of feelings before 5, like seeing child pornography in one of my parent's drawers...I remember it distinctly but have no idea who, what or where. I feel the first time was earlier than 5 but no memories come forth.

I kinda think it's like eating. When you're hungry, you'll go ge the food. If you not hungry, to eat can make you sick. Sometimes I guess I just have to be patient.

BTW, does anyone have memory problems in general? I mean, my wife talks about things happening during our married years and, no matter what, I can't remember. My kids will say, "Hey dad do you remember when we..." and I honestly can't. Strange, huh? Oh well! :rolleyes:

Howard ;)
 
Howard,
You said, "does anyone have memory problems in general? I mean, my wife talks about things happening during our married years and, no matter what, I can't remember. ... and I honestly can't. Strange, huh?"

NOT at all! I even thought I might be teetering on Alzheimer's. Good to hear you say you also have memory lapses, not that it's good for you, but that I'm not alone.

Occasionally, I talk with 'Nam buddies and they ask, "...you remember the shit we ran into ..." Sorry, no, I'd say. And I don't! I always assumed my tour as an infantryman was for the most part uneventful.

I'm wondering, now, realizing how masterfully I've covered so much reality, if repression came easier later to help me hide what I don't want to acknowledge. Kind of scary.
 
Hi ScottyTodd, sometimes not remembering is just a symptom of getting old, at least in my case.
I sometimes find myself wandering into a room and wondering why I went there....or maybe I'm umm, what was I gonna say ?? Peace, Andrew
 
I sometimes find myself wandering into a room and wondering why I went there....
Click to expand...
That's the key, sometimes; that's how you know it's Sometimers, not Alzheimers.

Bada Bing :D

(Exit, stage left)
 
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