very confusing
First, I found this forum quite by accident. I'm half glad I did and half mortified by the stories.
I don't really know where to start. My story is no where near as bad as some of yours, but i'm not trying to compete, I just feel the need to get this off my chest.
I'm not going to start from the beginning. I'm going to start from the clearest memory, to the faintest.
I was 19ish, just out of boot camp and home on leave. I was hanging out with a female friend who was around 25ish. I went to her house, we drank. We went to the bar (where she knew the bouncers to get me in) and we drank. We went back to her house very drunk (with a police escourt, again her friend) and drank some more.
She had dated a friend of mine for a while and I had no sexual interest in her at all. That didn't seem to matter because after puking in the bathroom the next thing I remmeber is being on my back with her on top of me. I remember her there, I remember seeing her and I remember feeling like I couldn't move...My hands felt very heavy. I can't say if it was just from drinking, if i was drugged, if she was holding me down, I don't remmeber. I don't remember cumming, but i suppose i did. I've told various people over the years that she raped me, most laugh or don't believe me. "yeah right, whatever" is the usual response.
Moving back in time, to when I was around 4? 5? 6? There was a girl accross the street. We did various things together. We didn't think it was abnormal at the time, we were just...exploring? each other. We'd pee for each other, touch each other in sexual places, though i don't think we simulated sexual touching...if that makes sense. THere was no stroking or rubbing...maybe that is a better way to say it. She'd hold mine as i peed, i'd hold her open as she peed. (to see where it came from in there)
Eventually we graduated to licking, though to my recolection never suckling. I dont remember ever being hard, i'm not sure it is possible at that age.
I don't know who's idea it was to do all of these things. I don't even know if it's really bad. Maybe it is normal, maybe that is what boys and girls do and no one ever talks about it. I have no idea. I've never told anyone.
The girl and I went to school together until high school graduation, we never spoke of it, said hi in the halls, that is about it. I'm sure she remembers about as much as I do. She is about 3 months older than I am.
Slightly older, maybe 8-10 years old. The same girl as above and I were playing together. When the boy next door called us into his back yard. He was a few years older, teenager.
Once in the back yard he made us go to look at something behind the pool. Once back there we found another girl from down the street who was his age. This part is really foggy, but I remmeber being made to stand there and watch whatever was going on. So the girl and I stood there watching.
I'd say that it was tramatic or something, but i can barely remember it, which is why i suppose it must have been.
Fast forward again. age 20? 21? I'm in the military stationed in japan. I'm drunk (i was always drunk at that time) and couldn't go back to the ship or I'd get in trouble. My friend hooked up with this girl who brought us both back to her barracks. This is horrible, I can't believe i'm going to just say this. But after he had sex with her and left. She was passed out. I think i would have raped her, but thankfully God was looking out and I couldn't. I did touch her tho, she must have passed out on my friend because she was laying spread eagle on the bed, knees bent.
I regret touching her. I pray forgiveness often, I pray for that forgiveness more often than I pray for anything else. I also thank God that I wasn't able to rape her, because if I had, I'm not sure I could live with myself with that memory.
Fast forward again. Age 29ish. I have my first and only homosexual experience. I tell myself, that since I like head from women so much that I should know what the other side is like. The giving side. I didn't sleep for 3 days before the meeting. By the time I was with him I was in almost a trance-like state.
While in the military, in japan, I was introduced to BDSM. A girl I dated there suggested that we get two adult movies. The requested movie topics were SM and Rape.
We got the movies and watched them. They were cheesey, not at all real, but she loved them and later confessed to a rape fantasy. We never did that, though she asked me to many times. We did however try the bondage, and I liked that.
We eventually broke up, I started dating another woman who in true japanese form is also very submissive. She loves bondage more than the first woman did and I can't say I mind putting her in it.
Me, now, I'm 31, married and just plain confused.
I'm not gay, I don't like guys, Gay porn does nothing for me. I got married in April, but have barely spent any time with her. She is Japanese and still in Japan.
Here is my confusion. When I look at porn, or masturbate, I see the woman's side. When I tie her up, I imagine myself in her shoes, her as me, me as her. It's like everything that I do to her, doesn't turn me on in doing it. It turns me on imagining it being done to me.
I have no idea what to do. If things go as planned she'll be here in a few days, and this time (hopefully) for good. I can't tell her. I've asked if she wanted to try the top role, the dominant role, and she has totally no interest.
I don't know if all I've told you here has anything to do with this, or if i'm just F****d up for other reasons.
All I can do is ask for insights from you, maybe someone can identify and help me figure out what is wrong with my brain. I know this is all jumbled up, I hope it makes sense.
I don't really know where to start. My story is no where near as bad as some of yours, but i'm not trying to compete, I just feel the need to get this off my chest.
I'm not going to start from the beginning. I'm going to start from the clearest memory, to the faintest.
I was 19ish, just out of boot camp and home on leave. I was hanging out with a female friend who was around 25ish. I went to her house, we drank. We went to the bar (where she knew the bouncers to get me in) and we drank. We went back to her house very drunk (with a police escourt, again her friend) and drank some more.
She had dated a friend of mine for a while and I had no sexual interest in her at all. That didn't seem to matter because after puking in the bathroom the next thing I remmeber is being on my back with her on top of me. I remember her there, I remember seeing her and I remember feeling like I couldn't move...My hands felt very heavy. I can't say if it was just from drinking, if i was drugged, if she was holding me down, I don't remmeber. I don't remember cumming, but i suppose i did. I've told various people over the years that she raped me, most laugh or don't believe me. "yeah right, whatever" is the usual response.
Moving back in time, to when I was around 4? 5? 6? There was a girl accross the street. We did various things together. We didn't think it was abnormal at the time, we were just...exploring? each other. We'd pee for each other, touch each other in sexual places, though i don't think we simulated sexual touching...if that makes sense. THere was no stroking or rubbing...maybe that is a better way to say it. She'd hold mine as i peed, i'd hold her open as she peed. (to see where it came from in there)
Eventually we graduated to licking, though to my recolection never suckling. I dont remember ever being hard, i'm not sure it is possible at that age.
I don't know who's idea it was to do all of these things. I don't even know if it's really bad. Maybe it is normal, maybe that is what boys and girls do and no one ever talks about it. I have no idea. I've never told anyone.
The girl and I went to school together until high school graduation, we never spoke of it, said hi in the halls, that is about it. I'm sure she remembers about as much as I do. She is about 3 months older than I am.
Slightly older, maybe 8-10 years old. The same girl as above and I were playing together. When the boy next door called us into his back yard. He was a few years older, teenager.
Once in the back yard he made us go to look at something behind the pool. Once back there we found another girl from down the street who was his age. This part is really foggy, but I remmeber being made to stand there and watch whatever was going on. So the girl and I stood there watching.
I'd say that it was tramatic or something, but i can barely remember it, which is why i suppose it must have been.
Fast forward again. age 20? 21? I'm in the military stationed in japan. I'm drunk (i was always drunk at that time) and couldn't go back to the ship or I'd get in trouble. My friend hooked up with this girl who brought us both back to her barracks. This is horrible, I can't believe i'm going to just say this. But after he had sex with her and left. She was passed out. I think i would have raped her, but thankfully God was looking out and I couldn't. I did touch her tho, she must have passed out on my friend because she was laying spread eagle on the bed, knees bent.
I regret touching her. I pray forgiveness often, I pray for that forgiveness more often than I pray for anything else. I also thank God that I wasn't able to rape her, because if I had, I'm not sure I could live with myself with that memory.
Fast forward again. Age 29ish. I have my first and only homosexual experience. I tell myself, that since I like head from women so much that I should know what the other side is like. The giving side. I didn't sleep for 3 days before the meeting. By the time I was with him I was in almost a trance-like state.
While in the military, in japan, I was introduced to BDSM. A girl I dated there suggested that we get two adult movies. The requested movie topics were SM and Rape.
We got the movies and watched them. They were cheesey, not at all real, but she loved them and later confessed to a rape fantasy. We never did that, though she asked me to many times. We did however try the bondage, and I liked that.
We eventually broke up, I started dating another woman who in true japanese form is also very submissive. She loves bondage more than the first woman did and I can't say I mind putting her in it.
Me, now, I'm 31, married and just plain confused.
I'm not gay, I don't like guys, Gay porn does nothing for me. I got married in April, but have barely spent any time with her. She is Japanese and still in Japan.
Here is my confusion. When I look at porn, or masturbate, I see the woman's side. When I tie her up, I imagine myself in her shoes, her as me, me as her. It's like everything that I do to her, doesn't turn me on in doing it. It turns me on imagining it being done to me.
I have no idea what to do. If things go as planned she'll be here in a few days, and this time (hopefully) for good. I can't tell her. I've asked if she wanted to try the top role, the dominant role, and she has totally no interest.
I don't know if all I've told you here has anything to do with this, or if i'm just F****d up for other reasons.
All I can do is ask for insights from you, maybe someone can identify and help me figure out what is wrong with my brain. I know this is all jumbled up, I hope it makes sense.