venting

[MollyHatchetrules]

I'm really not sure why I'm even posting this, but I guess it's better than going to friends who can't understand these things. I don't mean that they haven't done any good, but even though one of them has been abused before, he said that since the abuse he experienced wasn't sexual that it couldn't be compared to mine and that he might not be able to understand. He's done better than he thinks. But the thing is, right now I just can't imagine really being able to get past what happened. Is it really possible to actually be normal after experiencing something like that? What about relationships? I found out in March that the only person I like who is interested in something more than just sex is straight. He puts up with a few comments now and then, but I'm always careful about what I say. I trust him more than anyone I know and I would hate to lose him. And like I said, he's been more helpful with this than he thinks. He really puts up with a lot. I don't know why I trust him as much as I do. I don't really know much about him except that we enjoy some (but not much) of the same music. We were in ROTC together, but not for the whole year. I was glad when the instructor told me that he thought I could handle the junior class (I was a sophomore), but he was still in the sophomore class and by then I had already become attracted to him. I think what probably got me to trust him was the fact that he was one of the few people I went to school with who actually made an effort to talk with me. I wouldn't say anything to someone if they didn't say something first. I'm still like that now, most of the time. But there are some things about the abuse I haven't been able to figure out. I have wondered if maybe it was really abuse since I might have been able to stop it if I had tried. He was a bit bigger than I was, but not much. He's only two months older than I am. And for a few months before he forced me to do anything I had been letting him do the things he later forced me to do. Of course he's responsible for his own actions, but does that really mean that I didn't play a part in what happened? And I have made progress with learning to trust people again. But even though I have asked guys out before I'm not sure I could trust them enough to have a real relationship. And at the moment I defenitely wouldn't trust anyone enough to be having sex or doing anything sexual with them. I still freeze up and "leave my body" when I feel threatened. I don't usually have the dreams about it very often, but I think I might have been having them lately because either last week or the week before makes nine years since it happened. And sometimes I see things that aren't there. At least I hope they're not there. With aliens you never know. I do believe that they are peaceful, but I would rather hear it confirmed on the news before actually meeting one. I'm not really sure what else to say, so I'll go now.

 

[dwf]

Hello, MHRules,

Glad you've come back to share more of your story.

There is a certain amount of healing that comes from simply telling out loud the things we keep secret.

I try to never give advice, but one thing for sure that I can say about recovering from sexual abuse, is that a therapist is indispensable.

Sexual abuse simply cuts across too many aspects of our lives; is too complex for any person to handle alone. I'm not sure if you've been able to find some professional help, but I would strongly recommend it. PM me if you want and I'll bet we can help you get in touch with some resources for therapeutic assistance.

Meanwhile, one thing you wrote really jumped out at me. You said,

before he forced me to do anything I had been letting him do the things he later forced me to do.

The use of the word 'forced' twice in the sentence above is indisputable proof that you were sexually abused. Many times in our confusion, grief, shame and guilt we are tempted to take on the responsibility when it is not really ours.

No matter how many times you had voluntarily 'let... him do things', the first time he forced you to repeat them, you were sexually abused.

Relationships are tricky business for all men and women, it seems to me.

With the devestating effects of sexual abuse, they can become impossible.

But there is help available and it is possible to have wonderful, loving relationships in spite of being abused.

Lots of guys here will tell you that it has happened for them.

Take care of yourself. And thanks for coming back. Let us know what we can do to help.

Regards,