venting

[Janos]

So I go through these cycles of feeling OK (or even good sometimes) and then feeling guilty and horrible. I feel like I'm just as bad as my abuser was because I'm gay, and no matter how logical I try to be with myself I can't seem to convince myself otherwise. I mean, I *know* that being gay is different than being a sadistic rapist/pedophile, I know it but sometimes I don't believe it. And then, of course, there's the whole stupid "what if he made me this way?" thing, which really is stupid in my case because I knew I was gay even before the abuse started. Actually, my abuser was the only adult I confided in about my homosexual feelings and after I told him I guess he assumed that meant he had the right to do anything to me that he wanted to, since I already admitted to him I was attracted to guys. So that leads into the whole "it's my fault" guilt merry-go-round, because if I hadn't told him then he probably would have kept his damn hands off me. I counter this by reminding myself that I was just an 11 year-old kid asking an adult I trusted if wanting to kiss other boys was bad. I keep repeating it, like a mantra, like if I keep saying it over and over again then I'll convince myself that it's OK, that I'm OK. It's working so far, but I'm afraid that if I keep up this cycle of feeling OK and then SMACK just feeling horrible with no warning that I'll lose everything I've worked for these past years. I mean, I was in a terrible place before, I was below rock bottom, and I'm terrified that if I can't keep a handle on these thoughts, these feelings, that I'll spiral down there again. I guess the difference now is that I know what's wrong--no, I knew then, too. But now I can admit what's wrong, I can actually say it out loud. That so powerful, isn't it? Being able to say it. Giving things names. That I can call him a sadist and a pedophile and myself a sexual abuse victim, a survivor. Two years ago those words weren't even in my vocabulary. See? I'm feeling better now. It feels good not to keep secrets anymore.

--Janos

 

[frozen angel]

My heart goes out to you because i know how you feel with the ups and downs! I know all about the rationalization of how it could have been your fault and how things COULD have been different if only you'd done ONE thing differently. But the truth of the matter is...it really wouldn't have. Sicko's (that's what I've grown to call them)already have their plans...they simply wait for the opportune time to enact them. It's not a calculated science and no one knows when...it's just as certain as the sun rises in the east...they'll do dispicable things to young people and add EXTRA difficulties to an already rough existence. There are soooo many other things to worry about without getting UGLY wrinkles on your forehead while thinking about what YOU could have done differently. Life's toooo precious and short to sit and contemplate expired events. If milk spoils...and that's all you have...you do the best with what you have and make a fromage from it. HEY...it may not be the BEST...but it'll serve it's purpose! (and YES...this is a cheeseball analysis...but I'm a cheeseball sometimes).

We all just have to do the best with what we have...sometimes...you just get what you GET.

 

[jake1962]

i was only 3 years old the first time i was raped and it was by my trusted father. it lasted over 10 years and the things that occured haunt me on a daily basis. my first sexual experience was by a male and i hated it. but i find that i'm gay and i want the love and support of another man. to me i don't understand that. for 10 years i lived in hell and yet i find attraction to other males exciting. i just got out of the mental hospital where i have been hospitalized at least 13 times in the past 10 years. i had my first nervous breakdown when i was 34. i had tried for years to stuff the memories but by than i was unable to function because of severe depression and ptsd. i have been on so much medication that i had to recently have a huge med change. i hate the fact that i was a prisoner of his lust and sadistic needs and yet i'm the one who has been locked in a mental ward. suicidal thoughts are with me constantly. i can't sleep at night because i still think he is out there lurking. i wish that i had someone in my life so that i can feel safe. but here i am an adult and he has no power over me except for memories i can't forget. i have seen a therapist, doctors noone has an answer except that i need to work through my thought life and change my thinking. they don't have a flipping clue what's it like to be afraid all the time. i just want to not be afraid and i wish i could wash my brain and get rid of the memories. when you have been sexual abused no one wants to be close to you because you are to needed. all i want is love and acceptance.

 

[roadrunner]

Janos,

I was in a terrible place before, I was below rock bottom, and I'm terrified that if I can't keep a handle on these thoughts, these feelings, that I'll spiral down there again. I guess the difference now is that I know what's wrong--no, I knew then, too. But now I can admit what's wrong, I can actually say it out loud. That so powerful, isn't it? Being able to say it. Giving things names. That I can call him a sadist and a pedophile and myself a sexual abuse victim, a survivor. Two years ago those words weren't even in my vocabulary. See? I'm feeling better now. It feels good not to keep secrets anymore.

It sure does feel good! Talking about it is incredibly important! What do you gain? You get your voice back, you can actually see yourself working things out as you write (as you in fact do here), you reclaim your innocence, and you reject the shame and blame. Sounds like a great idea to me.

Much love,
Larry

 

[Danbuff]

Janos,
I understand many of your feelings, as I was also abused by trusted family members. My memories of it are sometimes clear even though I am now 50. There are other times I am uncertain of it because no one believed me when I first revealed it at age 35. I am sometimes screwed up and want to cry in frustration. I sometimes feel like I do not belong anywhere and I am gay. My trust is either not there or too trusting. I actually posted my story here today but I pulled it off after less than one hour. I am unsure what is okay to reveal and yet I sometimes want to tell my story believing it is healing. I have never sufficiently dealt with everything and I guess until I learn how to move on I will be stuck and the abusers and circumstances continue to have power over me. When in fact they do not deserve to have that control. I am really in charge of my life now...so I say. I work toward that goal.

As for blaming yourself,You only confided in a trusted adult who acted to meet his own desires and did not respect your beauty and value as a broken boy who needed help. It is tragic and I am so sorry it happened to you that way. I am sorry it happens to anyone. I know the importance of finding your voice to speak your truth. The truth is your innocence was stolen by people you trusted and it is NOT your fault.

Do whatever you need but try to be gentle and loving with yourself and be who you are with no apologies. You are on a rough journey but people here listen and care. Be proud of how strong you truly are. It has not been easy.
Be well, be safe,
Peace,
Dan

 

[Stephen_5]

Janos,

Talking about it, putting words to the feelings, really does help. I kept silent for over 38 years, until I was 50. It was eating me up, making me crazy, until I finally had to do something. I sought out a good therapist and got one on the third try. Like you, I was only eleven years old when it first occurred and I was taken advantage of and used. I used to think over and over, what could I have done to keep it from happening. The answer was nothing substantial, he was older, bigger, much more savvy and knew how to twist and manipulate my emotions and feelings for other boys my age. I didn't have a chance. To give yourself some perspective, look at a T-shirt in the clothing store in a boy's size 12. See how small that really is. I found my old Boy Scout shirt from around the time of the abuse that happened to me, it was a size twelve and it was very small. I'm older and hopefully wiser now and understand that the only person that I needed to forgive for what happened to me was me, it wasn't my fault. And it wasn't your fault either.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve