Venting mostly, but how do I keep going?

[Adaylight]

Hello,

I have been in a very tumultuous on again/off again 7 year relationship with a man that is a survivor of child sexual abuse (abused by a man, but complicated by the fact that the mans girlfriend was always in close proximity when the abuse occurred).

Everything started out okay... and I always chalked up the rocky parts to the fact that he had just gone through a rather upsetting divorce when we met. But instead of improving, our relationship continued to deteriorate. When things were good, he'd push me away... When I'd had enough and want to leave... He'd beg for me to stay. He went as far as to ask me to marry him, only to break off the engagement when it became "too real". Once I became pregnant and he insisted I terminate the pregnancy or he would disappear from my life. Things that made him seem like a complete monster to my friends and family.

He lies compulsively. He self medicates with alcohol. He lives in a cycle of shame and denial.

I knew something was wrong. Our sex life became chaotic... and I felt like I could never please him. Slowly, over a couple years he introduced more and more "kink", but would deny me any sense of intimacy. Due to my own issues, I kept trying to please him and meet his demands (even though I sensed there was something deeply wrong, and felt hurt/disturbed by them).

Finally at the millionth breaking point, he confessed his abuse to me. I was the only person he'd ever told. Looking back, it is obvious that he was using our relationship to reenact the abuse. I feel guilty for enabling this behavior and causing him additional harm/pain.

A few months ago, he broke things off with me (sexually). He met someone else. She is "the one". He was convinced that his "issues" would be encapsulated in our relationship and not carry over to his new girlfriend. When it became apparent that he was wrong about this, he finally sought treatment/therapy. His therapist and I both urged him to be honest with the new girlfriend. Last night he told her and she abruptly ended things.

Which led to a flurry of panicked messages to me. Whenever challenged or rejected.. I'm his first contact. Now, like so many times before... He needs my unconditional love and support. Which of course I will give, but I feel angry. And guilty for feeling angry.

Through everything I must highlight that there is So much goodness. I truly love him and he is my best friend. I would do anything to alleviate this pain, but know rationally that I can not.

I don't really have a question, but I am tired. I am committed to helping him out of genuine love and concern for his well being, but I also need to consider myself and my needs. All this time I have denied myself a healthy and happy relationship. I'm emotionally unavailable to anyone else, because I have to reserve my energy for when he needs it. I thought that if I could love him enough... Things would work out. I guess I'm hoping for any wisdom from anyone in a similar situation.

 

[Bluedogone]

Hi Adaylight, welcome to MS.

I hope your experience here will be productive for you, and will be exactly what you need. It has certainly helped me in more ways than I could have imagined. Venting is one way I've found to deal when it seems things just get too much to handle.

I don't think you should feel guilty at all for being angry. You should feel angry because you've been treated very shabbily. On again, off again relationship, shutting you out of his life, no intimacy,.

I'm not in a type of relationship you describe so I don't have any wisdom from one in a similar situation, but I do have some observations. Certainly you can completely disregard my views and tell me I'm just full of it, or not. It wouldn't be the first time I've heard that, and probably not the last.

Your statement "I feel guilty for enabling this behavior and causing this harm," is quite interesting to me since it seems that enabling is exactly what you continue to do. You didn't mention your thoughts about his insistence that you get an abortion, or whether you agreed that that was a good idea. If it was your idea also, then that was a mutually beneficial decision for you both. But if having an abortion was his idea alone then that seems like more of a master/slave type relationship, than a healthy relationship with any chance of a future. Most of the symptoms and traits you've described sound all too familiar for someone dealing with sexual abuse. And I think professional help is an excellent step in the right direction for him. But I know from personal experience that the healing is a very slow process, often with seemingly little or no change, and progress with two steps forward, one step back.

No doubt you've heard the expression, "he needs time and space." Well, you do, too. And you're not helping either of you by always being at the ready when it hits the fan. Early on in your relationship you excused his behavior as the fallout of a divorce. Now, his former girlfriend has broken things off, and you're the back up plan. As you said - "he needs my unconditional love and support, which of course I'll give him." WHY....He needs to face reality. Fortunately, professional treatment is the order of the day, and the time for denial is over. (BTW, I spent far too much time denying I had a problem, so I can understand that).

The fact that you see so much goodness and all his fine qualities bodes well for the future of you two. But right now, you need to set some enforceable boundaries, which probably means having a life apart, so you can begin to live for yourself rather as his servant.

As I said, just my observations. Best wishes. Take care of yourself.

CJ

 

[Mishka95673]

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[Adaylight]

M and CJ,

Thank you both for your thoughtful responses!

CJ- Just a point of clarification. The abortion was not my idea, it was an ultimatum that came after 1.5 months of being happy about the situation. Whenever he wants to hurt me, he throws it in my face still.

I see your points... and they echo what my friends, family and therapist have told me.

It's a weird thing. I'm an educated and accomplished woman. I've always considered myself strong for sticking it out and fighting for what I want. For supporting and unconditionally loving. I don't quit. Ever. Yet, suddenly... Especially now that I'm coaching him through a break up...and being asked to decipher every vague text from his ex girlfriend... I'm seeing attributes in myself that used to make me feel proud and powerful as a weakness being manipulated.

My therapist told me today... That this relationship is a "perfect storm". I'm the product of an absent father and a mother that was unaffectionate and demanding. I constantly strive to please people and am an overachiever.

However, I've missed out on things that I really want...and have to come to terms that I'm never going to have them with him. As much as it hurts...and I despise being wrong... I think I need to move on. I'm not doing either of us any favors.

 

[Mark954]

Hey adaylight , welcome ! reading ur post really strikes me how much i see my self in both you and ur man !it's really amazing how we all in this forum share so much similar experience ..
i identify with ur husband behavior "when things were good in ur relationships he push u away" ascking u to marry him and then breaks off the engagement when it become real" he 's most likely is not aware of how he is behaving this way or why ) i identify with him , after many hours of therapy , and also in retrospect , i started to acknowledge myself but it wasnt that easy to change , but at least , i can now catc
h my self right in the act of those hurtful things both to me and to those i care about so much, i'm sure that as u read others postes u'll see that no two survivors are alike but i can tell you that for me the reason of my struggle in relation ships is that when i was a child and i think it even started in infancy (i still have no conciouse memory from infancy)i have been phisycally and emotionaly abused my and mother , i acknowledge now that i didnt experince the normal attachement between me and my mother , its simply didnt happen she couldnt give me any affection and as achild i felt like it's my fault if i was more good looking orless evil or that i should have been a girl maybe she would have loved me , i loved her very much but every time i tried to win her love she would get angry and frustarted and i couldnt figure out why ..anyways my own therapist said something really inmportant to what ur T said to u , he said that as long as u didnt resolve ur relation ship with ur parents evry realtion ship in ur life becomes about ur parents, and it makes sense i keep projecting old feeling of abondoment and dissapointment and fear in to the realtions ships with womens i most care about , (i do appologize now wheni cath my self behaving ,or projecting old stuff , but with my last realtion ship , she had difficulty understanding , so she left...so to answer ur question of to keep going ? i can tell you that ur are going ...i think you on the right track by coming here and talking to a therapist , i also encourage you to read articles and books about dysfunctional families , i hope you give it ur most passion doing those things learning about ur histroy can truly make you'r life better , things will get better for you and ur man , be patient with ur self , and vent here all that you want ...best of luck to u

 

[healinglove]

Dear Adaylight,

I am sorry that you are going through this pain. I can relate to you on many levels. I was with my ex boyfriend for 3 years and I just ended things a month ago. I am hurting to my fullest capacity. It emotionally came down to I wanted commitment and he wasn't ready. To that point I had given him every chance, every opportunity and every ounce of patience I was capable of offering to show me he was capable of moving forward. He is an amazing man and I love him unconditionally as you do but after finding out his abuse I also feel a sense of needing to protect him. It took me about six months of knowing his abuse to realize that I can't protect him and I can't make him happy, he has to overcome these feelings and learn to cope on his own. I have tried to go no contact with him so that we can each gain perspective no matter how hard it hurts. Yesterday he insisted on bringing me some of my belongings and I requested he just mail them but he stopped by my house anyway. I am in therapy and the therapist says that he probably stopped by because he wants to see me. We did have a talk and he told me that he loved me and missed me but right now he is on a soul searching mission. He is also in therapy to discuss who he wants to be. What I can say is that I'm glad he is now in therapy and that was a place that I helped him get to. For our future, I have no idea where we will end up but I do know that I did everything I could. i didn't take the decision to walk away lightly. I wish I had a crystal ball and could tell myself and you that everything is going to be okay but in the heat of the moment...we just don't know. I do think you/ like me need to focus on yourself and learn what makes you happy. There is still time left in this life. We have years to find our love but it's impossible to do that without loving ourselves and taking care of ourselves first. I wish you the best and if you never need to chat please PM me. I am also here for you, as are all members of this site.

Best of luck,

Michelle