venting... long... advice?? support... may trigger
Hello all,
My SO is one of the kindest, most gentle and sweet men on the face of the earth. He has a good word for almost everyone, doesn't complain, is kind, helpful, and non-judgemental. Yet, with the background he has it is just amazing he is such a good and loving person.
He has a life-long history of victimization: his mother claims that his father used to kick him across the floor when his was an infant... he was bullied in school years by peers, and even by teachers and a school principal... again in the Navy. Abuse at home was of a different nature; I believe his mother has a mental illness of some sort... she alternated between tearing him down and telling him what he was and wasn't allowed to do, isolating him from friends/co-workers etc - under the guise of "protecting" him. He was totally controlled by her. At age 50, when we met, he was still living at home, taking care of his mother.... As you may guess given that scenario, my SO did not have any sort of opportunity to build self-esteem, a social network of friends (save via the internet, which is how we met) - he did not even know how to drive (mother wouldn't let him).
He'd given up hope of ever finding a loving wife and/or having children. Many people find him "weird" as he has anxiety and tends to dissociate. It is difficult for him to tell his personal history as his concept of time/dates is rather fuzzy... there are big gaps in his memories and he is unsure of what years/ages certain events occur and so on. Luckily I saw something in this dear man that others did not... while I was very aware he needed to be "rescued" - the rescuer role has never been a need or desire of mine. I simply saw a good person with some problems I knew I could handle. I'm not perfect either
Just over a year ago he left to be with me. His mother tried desparately for months to have ME "let him come home" as if I was in control of it. When that didn't work she finally came to visit... apparently deciding to stay until SHE felt like leaving. This was very bad for my health - I am an extremely expressed introvert that needs lots of alone time. To make matters worse, my truck died and the septic failed... had no $$ to fix it... so I stressed big time as I NEEDED her to leave! She had a HUGE fit and actually ordered my SO to pack his stuff and go with her. He refused, but it really hurt him to have to make his mother unhappy... he tried SO hard to smooth things over. We have talked a lot about how destructive his mother's control had been in his life, and had some very good several months together since she left.
We have worked hard to have a totally honest and trusting relationship. He let me know up front that there was something in his past he could not talk about until he was ready, and I knew it was SA. A couple of weeks ago he finally disclosed to me that he had been SA'd from an early age, and over a long period of time. First time was pre-school age by someone he can not remember (older neighbor boy?) but then years of abuse by an uncle. I am the only person he has ever told.
I am concerned that the uncle may have abused or be now abusing other children... I suggested to my SO he think about that. My darling does not wish to confront the uncle, or tell anyone else about the SA. In fact he stated that he is certain his mother will never believe it (she is the one who put him to bed with the uncle in the first place).
I said he need not tell her, but perhaps should speak with his sibs, as they too may have been abused. Could any of the men who have been in similar circumstances comment on this, and say what they feel might be an appropriate course of action? I do not want to push my sweetheart to do anything that would cause him pain, he has had enough in his life... yet, i can hardly bear thinking that a monster is still out there, possibly still perpetrating.
My SO is one of the kindest, most gentle and sweet men on the face of the earth. He has a good word for almost everyone, doesn't complain, is kind, helpful, and non-judgemental. Yet, with the background he has it is just amazing he is such a good and loving person.
He has a life-long history of victimization: his mother claims that his father used to kick him across the floor when his was an infant... he was bullied in school years by peers, and even by teachers and a school principal... again in the Navy. Abuse at home was of a different nature; I believe his mother has a mental illness of some sort... she alternated between tearing him down and telling him what he was and wasn't allowed to do, isolating him from friends/co-workers etc - under the guise of "protecting" him. He was totally controlled by her. At age 50, when we met, he was still living at home, taking care of his mother.... As you may guess given that scenario, my SO did not have any sort of opportunity to build self-esteem, a social network of friends (save via the internet, which is how we met) - he did not even know how to drive (mother wouldn't let him).
He'd given up hope of ever finding a loving wife and/or having children. Many people find him "weird" as he has anxiety and tends to dissociate. It is difficult for him to tell his personal history as his concept of time/dates is rather fuzzy... there are big gaps in his memories and he is unsure of what years/ages certain events occur and so on. Luckily I saw something in this dear man that others did not... while I was very aware he needed to be "rescued" - the rescuer role has never been a need or desire of mine. I simply saw a good person with some problems I knew I could handle. I'm not perfect either
Just over a year ago he left to be with me. His mother tried desparately for months to have ME "let him come home" as if I was in control of it. When that didn't work she finally came to visit... apparently deciding to stay until SHE felt like leaving. This was very bad for my health - I am an extremely expressed introvert that needs lots of alone time. To make matters worse, my truck died and the septic failed... had no $$ to fix it... so I stressed big time as I NEEDED her to leave! She had a HUGE fit and actually ordered my SO to pack his stuff and go with her. He refused, but it really hurt him to have to make his mother unhappy... he tried SO hard to smooth things over. We have talked a lot about how destructive his mother's control had been in his life, and had some very good several months together since she left.
We have worked hard to have a totally honest and trusting relationship. He let me know up front that there was something in his past he could not talk about until he was ready, and I knew it was SA. A couple of weeks ago he finally disclosed to me that he had been SA'd from an early age, and over a long period of time. First time was pre-school age by someone he can not remember (older neighbor boy?) but then years of abuse by an uncle. I am the only person he has ever told.
I am concerned that the uncle may have abused or be now abusing other children... I suggested to my SO he think about that. My darling does not wish to confront the uncle, or tell anyone else about the SA. In fact he stated that he is certain his mother will never believe it (she is the one who put him to bed with the uncle in the first place).
I said he need not tell her, but perhaps should speak with his sibs, as they too may have been abused. Could any of the men who have been in similar circumstances comment on this, and say what they feel might be an appropriate course of action? I do not want to push my sweetheart to do anything that would cause him pain, he has had enough in his life... yet, i can hardly bear thinking that a monster is still out there, possibly still perpetrating.