Venting, and asking for advice.

Kamiliukas

Registrant
I never reported it, because i dont have enought evidence, and im pretty sure nobody will believe me, and thats my story: Its so hard, its a pain, after everything, to see your abuser living good life. its a woman, she work at a day care , she is volunteer for few organisations, and for that she lately got a thanks on the paper for it, people are calling her amazing person, that everyone should be so lucky who knows her or meets her... Yea.. This breaks me, because what she did to me its unforgivable.. She raped me, then i sayed NO many times. She covered my mouth so i be quiet, telling me its ok. She was my moms friend, her husband left her on The streets because she cheated on him many times, so my mom invited her to live with us till she finds new home. After she moved in, everything started after few fckng days, she came in my room late at night, and woke me up sucking my D\*(sorry for language) , i was in chock, i was in fear... i tried to push her, told her no ovwr and over again, but she dont listen.. she told me to shut up because ill woke everyone up, so I just froze... Froze and did nothing... I dont know how or why did I get erection, i didnt want that, i wasnt sexually aroused, but my body, lower part told otherwise.. After shes done, she told me thanks, and that tomorrow she will wait for me in her room, because now we will be fwb. I dont know why i didnt run(I was a scared sad kid/teen, with divorsed parents, who doesnt give a f about me) i tried to tell it to mom, she told me its normal, im a man, i want sex and its my fault, i was almost 18(a lot of told me its normal, because i was almost adult, and later I was, so its 2 adults having fun time for them.that woman was 30\~. And it doesnt matter how old you are, rape is a rape) Im now 22, and its hurting me still, man dont want sex all The time as many can say, and the stereotypes about us makes me mad.. Like were not humans, were animals..., i cant even have sex after that, i have a gf, and we are making love maybe once in a month, because i cant, a lot of triggers bothering me, im scared for flashbacks, wasnt able to get a erection for half a year. Some friends, at that time, who i tried to talk to, told me im lucky, im like a real motherfucker, because that woman had a kid, so she for them is a milf. So the point is, im not lucky, it was gross for me, its still making me sick, and it always will, i have a big trauma with triggers, like those words(milf, motherfucker, even mom) are triggering me everytime i hear them.. And.. I cut off my "friends" and my mom. I change the country I live, and I fight everyday, its manageble, but u work hard every fckng day to survive..

Latelty I was wonderinf, maybe i should write an email to the place were she works, because its a nursinf home, so she is working with the old people who cant consent. But i dont know how to do it. Pls help.
 

dark empathy

Registrant
@Kamiliukas, Really sorry to hear this happened to you, its bad enough at any time, but in this current era of "all men are evil", even worse.

Physical arousal being utterly separate from mental arousal, and triggering by sexual language is something I've had experience of myself.

One thing you might want to think about is separating what you do about the affects of this on you vs what you do about this woman, since while it might or might not be a good idea to alert someone to her past actions, fixating on where she is now might be less helpful when you're dealing with your own life.

How is your gf with this? Does she know about what happened? Is she supportive?

For me, I didn't get around the genophobia (fear of sex), until I met the lady I'm now married to, it was something we had to physically sit down and deal with together, EG taking things slowly, doing a lot of none sexual affection, even reading alex comfort's book, the joy of sex together, discussing the ideas and me asking questions, even down to language, terminology and how we both described things.

Coming on this sight and talking to other guys helped as well.
The only good news is that yes, it does get better, ----- somewhat, eventually.

Sorry you need to be here, but welcome all the same.

Luke.
 

DavidM-LT

Moderator
Staff member
It really can get better. Honest!
I'm sorry that you need to be here. But you're not dealing with this alone anymore. Everyone here just understands why this is difficult. And I hope many more will read your post, because there's sadly plenty others here that can relate to some or all of what you're forced to deal with now.

At the moment, altering her workplace might not be the most helpful thing for you. Because when you do that, there will be questions. Hopefully there will be questions. And those questions could be immensely triggering and inhibit a proper response. I say this because you seem to be in pretty bad place right now. And that's completely understandable!! In fact, for the situation that you're in, it's completely normal.

But you've done a good thing!! You've done a very courageous thing! You've come here to share. To seek help and advice. Part of healing from trauma is getting out of isolation. Trauma thrives in isolation... it reigns isolation. If you do not isolate yourself, the trauma can't survive.

We're all here with you. And I sent you more in a PM.
Peace!
david
 

Kamiliukas

Registrant
Thank you both for answering. I have girlfriend, and this accaunt is created by her. We both free to share it. Talking about sexual things, i guess we both got trauma from it. I just dont have a big libido, nor do I want to have sexual things, i prefer cuddles and kisses, and my gf agree with that, because after everything I told her about my rape, she can't think about sex in the same way as before.
Talking about report, my gf supports me in this, but im not quite sure ill manage to do something with it. I mean we both just have so much hate for that person, and its killing me that she deserves to be in jail, meanwhile shes thriving in her life, probably abusing more young boys, and its sucks that I cant do much. If i wasnt that stupid and scared at that time... I should reported that instantly. Sry for language. But fuck my mom, i shared that to her, and she had to protect me! But she just sayed, ITS NORMAL, ITS JUST SEX. it hurts that other people thinks boys like me are lucky, because we were raped. Fck this rape culture, im just so sad and mad because people can ruin and damage a life for others, and live freely...
 
I'm sorry you experienced those things. You're absolutely right, there is nothing lucky in such encounters for a boy, a teen... and yes, we are damaged by them. Women can traumatize us and we need support in our healing.

I'm happy to hear you have support from your girl friend and that you've found a way to share intimacy that is respectful and caring. Some women are abusers and some really care for us. It is important to recognize the difference. Take care of yourself... that is really the most important thing we can do for ourselves.
 
I have girlfriend, and this accaunt is created by her. We both free to share it.
Personally I do not feel comfortable having a woman potentially able to post in areas where only men are allowed. Tell me, how will we know whether it's you or your girlfriend posting?

I strongly encourage you to make your own account that only you have access to.
 
I thought the same thing Strange when I read that. Your observation is right on. A couple of days ago I asked a recently registered woman to restrict herself to the Introduction as well as Family and Friends forum. She didn't respond to my private message. Thanks for adding this suggestion.
 

DavidM-LT

Moderator
Staff member
Just want to let you know that the situation is resolved. And the necessary admin housekeeping will take place. Please be patient as our webmaster is also a volunteer. It might take a day or so.

Posts from this user, @Kamiliukas, are from a male survivor. Just as this thread was started from a male survivor of female abuse.

Please welcome him, and grant him as much acceptance as compassion any of us. Thanks guys!

And @Kamiliukas, again, a very warm welcome. I'm sorry that you need to be here. We all are. But you've landed yourself in a great place where you'll be able to be yourself, receive support and insight... connect with others who have been through similar situations.

Peace!
david
 
Thank you David.
 

dark empathy

Registrant
@Kamiliukas, glad to hear your gf is supportive with this, my lady has definitely been the strongest support in my own healing.

with sexual boundaries, on the one hand, taking it slow sounds like a good idea, on the other, one thing I found helped me was blurring the line between affection and sex, something only possible with someone with whom I was entirely comfortable, and with whom I'd already talked about the abuse.

For example, cuddling naked, washing each other's hair in the bath, being intimate in a none sexual way, Eg rubbing my lady's feet.

obviously this depends upon where you and your gf are.
In my case, it helped a lot that my lady was more experienced than I am, that and her lack of physical inhibitions.

Again, this is something to work out between you, but one of the major problems, especially with being male, in having endured sexual abuse, is getting comfortable with sexuality in a safe, adult and none judgemental way.

Again, since my own experiences were heavily themed around sexual humiliation, to the point where I actively hated my own libido, this was something I personally found I needed to deal with in a very honest way.

Your situation might be different, I'm not sure, either way though, glad to hear your gf is so supportive, even going as far as checking out this site.

Luke.
 

DavidM-LT

Moderator
Staff member
You know, you hit on a super important topic there Luke.
It's something that I think all too many survivors confuse, or get fixated on. Obviously not everyone.
But intimacy.... sex and intimacy are not synonymous. We all need intimacy. Literally everyone. Sometimes it's possible to achieve that intimacy during and with sex. But focusing on intimacy without sex, especially for survivors, is incredibly more beneficial. Intimacy is sooooooo much more than sex.
 

dark empathy

Registrant
@david, I can't speak for anyone else here, but for me, the two things had to be synonymous, or rather I don't think I'd have successfully recovered from my genophobia without the physical intimacy having a sexual component, or the sexual relationship containing a large amount of physical intimacy.

I'd had friends of both sexes I was emotionally close to before, some I'd even talked about the abuse with, but this didn't solve the problem.
I felt physically wounded! I can't explain how it feels to know that the closest I'd been to another person, the most physically intimate, was while my face was being spat in. Yes, My mind was pretty much somewhere else, separate from my body at the time, but the legacy continued.

After I recovered my memories, physical affection and closeness with anyone was totally off the table, I couldn't give someone a hug, pat someone on the shoulder, both because of the discomfort, and the fact that I was convinced that so much as brushing up against a woman's arm would cause me to be an abuser.

Yet I couldn't just shut down, I needed! that closeness, needed someone to be physically there as much as emotionally there, and yes, much as I didn't like admitting to myself, I needed this to be a woman, simply hugging a guy friend wouldn't have done, wouldn't have provided that closeness, since I am just not built to find men sexually attractive.

I considered finding a prostitute, but this wouldn't have done either, since just as hugging a close guy friend (even if I could get myself comfortable enough to do so), wouldn't have been physically intimate enough, so being with a prostitute, simply getting the job done and leaving with no affection exchanged wouldn't have been emotionally intimate enough.

I couldn't fantasise about sex directly, both because it was too triggering, and because I had literally no experience to base it on, but I often fantasised about cuddling someone, holding hands, brushing her hair, kissing, I even believed there was something in touching a woman's breasts, even though forcing my hands onto a girl's breasts had been a major and daily part of the abuse.

I don't know if this is the same for everyone, but for me, the two things had to go together, the component of attraction along with the loving touch, indeed I think there is a reason why "sleeping with someone", is seen as an intimacy, not just having sex.

I think part of this is that there wasn't for me a way to heal without! that component. I never had a first date, a first kiss, any teenaged hand holding, for me, sex meant humiliation, I might have become completely asexual, yet there was part of me that seemed to know on an instinctive level that there was something else.

that's why I felt so horribly stuck in my recovery, since its not possible to cease fearing sex or learn to practice intimacy withouth someone else, anymore than an ellective mute living alone on a desert island can practice the art of conversation.

With my lady, I somehow found everything I needed. She was aware of my abuse and prepared to take things slowly. She's also naturally a physically very affectionate person.

she did things like put a jacket over her halter top so we could hug without me worrying about touching too much of her skin, and even slept with me (the first time), wearing pyjamas with me in a t shirt since I wasn't comfortable with anything more.

with her, the loving touch and intimacy was fairly constant, indeed I think even she was surprised how quicly we made love for the first time after we stayed together for a few days, since at that point I was just ready.

I think though what made it easy was simply having the sexual part of our relationship just be an extension of everything else, indeed that's sort of the way its stayed for the last seven years, with lots of physical affection, occasionally leading to lovemaking, often just existing for its own sake.

Again, this might be different for other people, I imagine both my lady and I have fairly large libidos, I also know that I've been astoundingly lucky in finding exactly the type of relationship I always dreamed of, and also in finding that yes, it really is everything I hoped it would be, not that we don't' have our issues, like any married couple, especially in this current era, but the issues aren't todo relations between us.

Hope some of this makes sense.

Luke.
 

J1989

Registrant
You know, you hit on a super important topic there Luke.
It's something that I think all too many survivors confuse, or get fixated on. Obviously not everyone.
But intimacy.... sex and intimacy are not synonymous. We all need intimacy. Literally everyone. Sometimes it's possible to achieve that intimacy during and with sex. But focusing on intimacy without sex, especially for survivors, is incredibly more beneficial. Intimacy is sooooooo much more than sex.
Haha true. If I may, my therapist told me, if I went for coffee for ten minutes and then f—- the person, I am doing something healthier than what I’m doing now. But if I continue with the Grindr, sex without anything, then it’s going to trigger the Matthew stuff…
 
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