Usefulness of this Site

Usefulness of this Site
J

jimrh

Registrant
I've been in the chat rooms now off and on since mid March. I've posted a few topics on the discussion boards. I've responded to a few. It always seems to be the same. What is this all about and why are we bothering at all to come here.

When you tell your "story" in the chat room, barely unable to type because of the emotion and get only marginal recognition or even notice; and no one even remembers when you chat later, what have you done anyone except WASTE YOUR TIME.

You post topics on the discussion board and most times you get simple polite lip service.

I've only met two people on here who've been even remotely interested in even chatting outside this site. I guess that's a pretty strong endorsement of how much of a waste of time I am as a person this all is. Not much else I guess...reality.
 
I dont do the chat thing because I post from work and cannot. The boards work best for me, so I am certain we havent really talked much. That really isnt the point though. This site offers something that counted more than anything to me, a sense of not being alone in the world. I can come here, and find men that feel the way I feel, and hurt the way I hurt. Here, I found acceptance, not only by the men here, but inside myself. I realized that I wasnt such a freak after all. That is the magic of this site.

I dont know what you are expecting by being here, but I do know the answers to your problems come from inside. No one in the chatroom is going to give them to you. Some issues do better than others here, and it depends on how people relate as to the response a post gets. It is hard to post to a topic when you cant relate to it, so I usually dont. I go by the rule that if I dont have something positive to add, then just keep silent.

Also, realize that men here are very guarded by nature. If they dont want to meet outside the parameters of this site, allow them that. I have gotten to know a couple pretty good, but it is still mostly within the confines of this site. It is secure here, and getting involved outside feels risky. It feels like revealing more than you should. The ones I have gotten to know well exchange PMs with me, more than emails or chat.

I truly hope you find what you need, but I think you might be looking for too much from this place. At best it is somewhere to find acceptance. There are no magic bullets in the world, and this isnt one either.

Jeff
 
I dont reply much anymore but I shall reply to this.

This place is what it is.

Some people come here to heal.

Some people come here, because there life outside is crap and coming here makes them feel like there apart of something.

Some people come here to hook up (sad but true)

Some people come here just to look around and ask a few questions.

And some people come here, to play games and be disruptive.

Take it or leave it.

I use(d) this place to build a support network, and explore my feelings and issues. Some of it was good some of it was bad. But I take it for what it is/was. The answers to lifes problems wont be found on this or any other web site.
 
As is generally the rule, I failed to make my point. The thing this site has given me / validated is that just as in real life whether at home, at work, socially or on this site, I am not worth it. But hey, it should be ok, because it's the way it is, right! Unless you have a certain profile here, doesn't matter. Plain and simple.

I'm not looking for answers Zodak and especially not from guys who have worse /more demanding issues than mine. Don't have any expectation Brian, except that maybe people would at least listen and respect. Maybe it's a trigger for me, getting that crushing, loss of blood feeling come over me. :o So much rejection all around.
 
Jim, how many times can you say honestly that you knew just what to say after reading someone's post?

My posts get read, I am sure, but I don't get that many replies. That's ok with me, though, because I can think of the times I have read someone else's post and just not been sure how to respond. We're all human, we can't be there and reliable 100% of the time. I think we try pretty hard though, and it shows. This place is awesome :D

But... if you're looking for the kind of support that you seem to be looking for, I don't think this is the place that can give it to you. You need real-life friends or a therapist. We can't always be there exactly when you need us.

You DO matter, brother, but we've all got our own schedules and we just might not have time to be at the computer exactly at the right moment. That's nobody's fault, really, so don't think that we're somehow rejecting you.

This post made me mad at first because I LOVE this site and I think it's one of the better things that has happened to me, but I do see where you're coming from. Still... it's not fair to blame it on us. The level of support you seem to be looking for just isn't possible through the internet.
 
In the end, it doesnt matter what I think, or if this site rejects you. It doesnt matter if the whole world rejects you. The only thing that counts in the end is if you reject yourself. As long as you feel you arent worth it, you arent. No one here will ever be able to change how you see yourself or the world around you, only you can do that. If you want acceptance and understanding, look inside, not to the world around you.
 
Jimrh
As is generally the rule, I failed to make my point. The thing this site has given me / validated is that just as in real life whether at home, at work, socially or on this site, I am not worth it. But hey, it should be ok, because it's the way it is, right! Unless you have a certain profile here, doesn't matter. Plain and simple.
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Jim you are worth it. You gotta believe that. You have to feel it inside you. As I have told you before it is the essence of you inside that people relate to not how much money you have or what you look like. You have raised beautiful children and you havd protected them against the evil that descended on you. My god that is a tremendous accomplishment. You are good at what you do. You freelance. Do you think you would get work if you were not respected for your knowledge and work ethic. I think not.
I am still trying to figure out how to relpy to your recent corrrespondence. I did promis to be gentle but I want to do it right.

Jim you are a survivor inspite of everything and that shows a tremendouse sense of intestinal fortitude (GUTS) and dont ever forget that.


This site allows you to express yourself and seek guidance not answers. No person can tell you what to do. They can only let you know how they have reacted and the manner with which they tried to deal with the issues. There is no magic formula. It is just a lot of hard slugging; almost like through mud. But there is a lot of history for each of us to plough through.

We, and you continue to do it because that is the human way.

I promise to write by tomorrow.

Your brother Mike
 
Jim:

What the guys have already said here by & large makes sense to me & holds a lot of opinions & truths I happen to agree with.

I'm just going to agree a bit more strongly. Becuz
that is me. Becuz I am rather defensive of this territory where the wolfpack has done so much for me, and for so many.

Chat I can't speak to as I almost never go, tho I've been to & even moderated them before (not here at MS).

But I'm slightly active on the DB and with a few exceptions I can't see what you're talking about.
Maybe what some of the others say holds some truth, that it's in your perception, not just of this site but more importantly of yourself.

what have you done anyone except WASTE YOUR TIME.
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Speaking for myself (tho I hundreds of others would agree), plenty. I've started recovering myself. I've shared my story. I've vented. I've received support. I've given support. I've become part of an online community that while limited in being online is still a vital supportive group of others who have been thru similar things, who understand, care & can help.

I expect no more. That's more than enuf.

I'm sorry if you think being here is a waste of time. I'm even more sorry if you think you are a waste of time.

But don't expect me to agree with you on either. Whether you think this place is a waste is up to you; I differ. But I will never think any human being is a waste of time. (Not even a perp, as much as I may feel that way sometimes.)

Jim, something else you should understand, echoing
what some others said, is that survivors by nature
with few exceptions I've seen if any, have major trust issues and don't want to trust to much too fast with anybody, much less people they've just met online.

After all you've only been here about a month. And you already have two people interested in communicating offsite. I find that rather remarkable. I've been here over 8 months and I have such contact with one person, and it started fairly recently.

We do have perps, lions in wolves clothing, who come into our territory as predators. Invariably they try to get people to contact them offsite, to get them away from the pack. Much of the perpetration against users of this site actually happens off-site. But it can start with perps coming here, getting trust, getting email addys, phone numbers, addresses...

We had a particularly bad attack of this last year. The lion found out we were wolves not sheep.
But damage was still done. So now people are perhaps even more guarded, and maybe should be. So please don't judge them for that. Now this site is safer & more careful than ever--without any apologies for it whatsoever.

I'm also puzzled by this:

Unless you have a certain profile here, doesn't matter. Plain and simple.
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It's not plain & simple to me. In fact, I don't see it at all. Perhaps it would help if you would specify exactly what certain profile you think matters here that you think you don't fit?

The profile here is male survivor of sexual abuse--period.

If you consider this post as writing you off as worthless or not fitting the profile here, please read again. I don't know you well enuf to think either of these things of you. I have no reason to. I think every person is of their own special value. That includes you Jim. But that as others have said you've got to believe for yourself. I hope you can find a way to do that.

Victor
 
Guys, I apologize to all of you for making the comments above.

I understand to some this site proves to be an outlet and you get satisfaction just from that.

My apologies to all again. No worries.

Jim
 
Jim
there's no need to apologise, this is a place for us all to say what we feel, and to feel safe when we say it.

"Fitting the profile" is, unfortunately, an easy thing for some us to drift into, I know that I'll reply to some people more than others because I feel.... comfortable I suppose. But it's not that I conciously ignore others.

But please don't feel that any member is any less welcome here, we all gain from each other.

Dave
 
I have found wonderful acceptance and affirmation at this site. Having said that, I too feel that I'm not sure I "fit the profile" exactly, but my feelings tell me I fit it closely enough.

I also resonate with that desire to be responded to when I post. I think it might come from the lack of being respected and listened to as a child. I remember feeling so invisible, or having my feelings so discounted. So when I share something on these boards, I find myself checking to see if anyone responded. Sometimes there is a response, many times not. But like the others have said, I will often not respond to another's post, not for lack of caring, but because I may not know what to say.

I would like to thank the moderators, who take on such a "shepherding" role here. I feel the love and care of each of the moderators--in both the quality and quantity of their posts. Often it is a moderator who responds to many of my posts. Thank you, Victor, Lloydy, and the Dean.

Rick
 
RickL, interesting choice of words. What I find is affirmation of exactly all the things I feared. You are what you are, and if you feel like you are a sack of shit, then that's what you are, plain and simple.

So exactly what is this site about..."We are committed to preventing, healing, and eliminating all forms of sexual victimization of boys and men through treatment, research, education, advocacy, and activism."

Really. This all looks more like a bunch of guys socializing in thier little clicks like good ole boys. Does anyone really believe the mission statement???

Is it any more relevant than a site such as GAY.COM?

What's up with this pack of wolves bullshit?

Sounds like a bunch of boy scouts trying to figure out their mascot or something. No body cares!
 
:( :mad:
 
Jim,
I have been silent most of the time - not responding to others posts but posting my own. Sometimes, I have gotten responses, other messages get buried because there are more "relevant" posts than mine - and by relevant I mean that they resonate more broadly with other readers.

I am concerned about your posts. You say, "you are what you are and if you feel like a sack of shit, you are" that is not very logical. You are what you BELIEVE you are may be better wording. FEELING like a sack of shit doesn't mean you really ARE a sack of shit! You have to change how you FEEL about yourself so that you can perceive a new you - and in order to change how you FEEL you have to change what you DO.

Do you post responses to others messages?

I have self-victimized myself on days like my birthday when I feel like none of my family cares. They don't send me cards. Then, I ask myself, do I send THEM cards on their birthdays? No. So how can I get upset if I don't receive any?

If I feel like a sack of shit (which I do often) I have to change something about MYSELF - not blame others for how I feel.

I don't mean to be harsh but I have found answers here and when I don't get a response, I try to understand what else is going on here that may be beneficial to me.
 
I got a reply from Victor to a problem regarding therapist abuse. 1 [that's ONE] single response at that time.
But that one single reply broke the lie from hell that T's have been perpetrating on me for over 20 years that I am the only person in the world who has ever been abused, let alone feel bias and discrimination by one of their professional kind.
That was well over a week ago, and I still carry a copy of that response around in my hip pocket. Just one single d-n response, and NOBODY IS TAKING IT AWAY FROM ME !!!

Sometimes you have to look through a lot of distressing text to find something useful. So it can be a trade off.
That one response has been worth the price of admission for all the rest of the time I am here.
Tom S.
 
Addenum;
Let me add Guy 43 to the list of helpful supporters. I almost forgot the response with the soldiers at Iwo Jima.
Tom S.
 
RickL, interesting choice of words. What I find is affirmation of exactly all the things I feared. You are what you are, and if you feel like you are a sack of shit, then that's what you are, plain and simple.
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Well, right now I feel worse than a sack of shit. To use the words of my brother wolf Mikechurch, "I feel lower than snake shit in a wagon rut." But that doesn't mean that's what I am--even if that's what others think about me.

I know who I am. I'm not how I feel, or what others think about me, or what abusive people tried to make of me.

I'm me dammit! Period.

So exactly what is this site about..."We are committed to preventing, healing, and eliminating all forms of sexual victimization of boys and men through treatment, research, education, advocacy, and activism."

Really. This all looks more like a bunch of guys socializing in thier little clicks like good ole boys. Does anyone really believe the mission statement???
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Jim, the above applies. Just becuz "this" looks like a bunch of cliques, to you or to anybody else
doesn't mean that's what "it" is.

I'm sorry that's the way it appears to you. A lot of people here have done a lot to fulfill that mission statement, including supporting & helping one another.

BTW Yes I do believe our mission statement.

Is it any more relevant than a site such as GAY.COM?
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It is to me, and I believe it is to a lot of men here who are gay, tho I'm not.

What's up with this pack of wolves bullshit?

Sounds like a bunch of boy scouts trying to figure out their mascot or something. No body cares!
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Fine, Boy Scouts trying to figure out their mascot
sounds cool to me; I would have liked to have been able to do something like that when I was a boy. I like doing it now as a man. Which means I am at least one person who does care. Evidently so do a bunch of other boy scouts.

Too bad you think that's bullshit. You're
entitled to your opinion and are probably not alone in it. But a lot of people do care.

Maybe you think I'm being too rough on you. If so I'm sorry. Maybe you're having a rough time right now. Well, you're not alone in that. It's kind of part of the nature of this site & what we're about
as survivors.

Going thru rough times. And trying to help each other thru them.

Victor
 
TomS:

You make some very good points.

You are also encouraging me a lot right now when I could kinda use some of that; thank you.

I had no idea if my post helped you at all. I'm glad that it did.

Thanks again I needed to hear that.

Victor
 
Victor,

I need to state here, publicly, how much you have helped me here with both your posts and your responses. The times I have posted, you have often been the only one to respond. Those responses have always been affirming to me. I have "mentally" printed each one and carried them with me. It's hard to put into words how grateful I am to you and your activism on this site.

Rick
 
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