Used over years by “friend”

Used over years by “friend”

Ostate100

Registrant
Dexter Was a someone I thought was a friend, he was a self proclaimed “gypsy” and couch surfed from one to the next. I met him when I was 18 by buying MDMA from him we met through a mutual friend, after that we hung out a lot, either us and friends going to a rave, house party, etc He frequented my couch when he couldn’t find anyone else, he always had something to talk about when we were alone at my apartment, but as soon as someone else was in the room I was always the victim. Either making me feel stupid, just completely dismissing me all together or making me feel small. I hated him so much after a while but everytime he texted me I would come running for some reason. I sensed he had sort of a crush on me but just because he was gay I didn’t want to think he automatically was attracted to me. But it became clear that he was interested in me sexually after he kept continually questioning my sexuality and that I should explore. I can’t remember the first instant of him physically touching me, but I’m sure it would have been while I was on MDMA (ecstasy) or drunk since he always manipulated me into giving his friends rides, or taking him places or even buying him things when I was vulnerable, whether it be emotionally, mentally, or physically. He would gaslight me into thinking I was crazy about every thing I said, I can’t remember having a conversation that didn’t end in me feeling like he won the conversation, or he would just be completely distant like he hated me, and act cold and mean. The little physical touching became more and more frequent overtime, especially in front of people who were his friends he would also try and make it seem like I was his boyfriend, I just thought it was kind of funny because I wasn’t gay, it just a joke, it made me feel nice to have someone who was attracted to me could joke about it, he was kind of a dick, cold and hateful randomly but he gave me drugs and had lots of friends and was always having fun ideas.

During a camping trip with several friends while nearly blackout drunk and high falling asleep in the tent, Dexter laid next to me in the tent and started grinding on me all I remember after that he started fingering me, it was not consensual but I remember it felt nice, and I can’t remember much else maybe more happened but I can’t say for sure I think I feel asleep after. I remember enjoying the feeling but I don’t know I was so drunk I definitely didn’t consent.

One day at the house he was staying in no one else was in the house at this time. He asked me over to smoke and have a drink and I was said sure because I wasn’t doing anything. So we watch some video on YouTube and he brings up being horny. I said “lol ok I guess I’ll leave” and he asked if could do something sexual with him just to try and make sure I’m not gay and to help him out. I think I agreed to get into the bed just to make him stop asking me. After trying to use my hand he told me to use my mouth and I said no but he convinced me to try anal, I said fine because how bad could it be? He had used his fingers there before and I remember it felt good. I had never attempted or experienced this, knowing now that it takes stretching, for it to not be painful not to mention lots of lube. So we started and i tried to push through but it was too painful and told him to stop and he said what and stopped for a second and i said “you need to go slower or stop” then he continued and kept going harder I remember screaming “stop stop stop stop stop stop” but he said he was almost done and finished and held me after. I laid there for a minute thinking about what happened. I got dressed very quickly and ran out the front door to my truck he chased me asking what was wrong, i said to leave me alone and left.

Later i told a mutual friend in confidence about being uncomfortable around Dexter, I hinted that Dexter was making unwanted sexual advances, Dexter had moved in with my friend Sean whose house I frequented. He confronted me about what I had told Chris, I said I didn’t want to talk about it and he blocked my path to walk down the hallway, and he grabbed my private area pulled me close and tried to kiss me. I tried to hit him in the face but it felt like a dream and I was punching through water and didn’t phase him at all, like I was trying to put all my strength into it but i just melted as my fist was moving towards his face. And then he kissed me bear hugged me until we went down the hallway into the bedroom to hangout with friends.

No one would have believed me if I said I was raped, especially as a cisgender male who can stand up for himself, they had seen Dexter touching me and making out with me while barely conscious so I guess they assumed it was fine?? They once asked if we were dating and I said no we’re just friends and they just assumed we were friends with benefits, so coming out to any of them would have been my word against his, and he convinced me through intimidation that he did not rape me while blocking the hallway. His use of me continued until he ended up moving out of Sean’s and I don’t know what happened to him. I saw him once years later working at a party supply store with a bunch of teeth missing, so that helped a little, but seeing him made me shiver at the thought of him, but I even talked to him for a moment and played completely cool with my sister by my side.

After he moved on, I changed how I dressed, acted, dyed my hair black, started hanging around with dangerous people. Doing Hardcore drugs, meth, opiates, etc. I wrecked my truck into a tree. After promising myself to not talk to any of this new crowd anymore.

After being strung out I started acting and dressing very effeminate and thinking about it now I used Dexter as a model for a bisexual persona, going so far as contacting many gay and feminine looking men and even meeting up with one or two just for it to be a very awkward encounter, i felt so gross after and so wrong but i thought it was what i wanted, I stopped talking to any men, it’s been 11 years since then and I still have fantasies about my encounter and unwanted arousal when I relive the encounter. I feel so ashamed, I’m not even gay but I have waking nightmares that haunt me and fantasies about the waking nightmares that arouse me. Even typing this now I feel like I’m lying to myself, and that I did want it or was asking for it by leading him on somehow even though the pain and memories haunt me, I keep researching to try and disprove this but it seems I can’t deny what has happened to me any longer. It felt like over the 3+ years we were hanging in the same friend group I was his toy to use as he pleased.

Does anyone else have this problem? I just started therapy which brought this experience to light, and the waking nightmares and constant uncontrollable arousal are making it impossible to do my job and be intimate with my wife. I have more therapy coming up but it’s hard to wait in between sessions, I can’t tell anyone else about this, I’m not ready. I appreciate anyone who has read this.
 
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I obviously just read your story. From the outside looking in, you were a vulnerable individual and Dexter is/ was a predator. Unfortunately, drugs played a role in all of this, which increased your vulnerability. As you know, he never was a friend, rather a manipulator. And, yes were raped.

As far as the unwanted arousal and the memories, I know this is a very difficult issue, but one common to survivors. A therapist once explained to situation to me which helped. He told me that the brain does not differentiate between good sex and bad sex. It just sees it all as sex. Of course, sexual stimulation is pleasurable and those memories are stored in the mind as such and when they are recalled, whether we want to think about them or not, the body responds accordingly. This type of thing happens to me frequently- memories of the abuse, the body responds to the memory and feelings of sexual activity- even though it was unwanted. As I stated above, this is very common to survivors and it is very disturbing (understatement) to say the least.

The self condemnation you describe- blaming yourself etc. is also very common for all of us. As I said he was a predator. Predators are excellent "hunters" and experts at grooming and manipulation. You experienced both. Fortunately, you are in therapy, that is a necessity. I truly wish you peace and healing. If you ever would like to communicate, feel free to message me. Take care.
 
I obviously just read your story. From the outside looking in, you were a vulnerable individual and Dexter is/ was a predator. Unfortunately, drugs played a role in all of this, which increased your vulnerability. As you know, he never was a friend, rather a manipulator. And, yes were raped.

As far as the unwanted arousal and the memories, I know this is a very difficult issue, but one common to survivors. A therapist once explained to situation to me which helped. He told me that the brain does not differentiate between good sex and bad sex. It just sees it all as sex. Of course, sexual stimulation is pleasurable and those memories are stored in the mind as such and when they are recalled, whether we want to think about them or not, the body responds accordingly. This type of thing happens to me frequently- memories of the abuse, the body responds to the memory and feelings of sexual activity- even though it was unwanted. As I stated above, this is very common to survivors and it is very disturbing (understatement) to say the least.

The self condemnation you describe- blaming yourself etc. is also very common for all of us. As I said he was a predator. Predators are excellent "hunters" and experts at grooming and manipulation. You experienced both. Fortunately, you are in therapy, that is a necessity. I truly wish you peace and healing. If you ever would like to communicate, feel free to message me. Take care.
Thank you for the reply, the validation really means a lot
 
Dexter Was a someone I thought was a friend, he was a self proclaimed “gypsy”
This one sentence alone showed me the type of person you were faced with I'm so sorry that you faced all that you have had to.

I think the unwanted arousel alot of us have experienced in our healing journey I found for me it got better over time, therapy and talking here

It wasn't your fault, and you didn't ask for anything

Welcome to MS I hope it helps you like it has me
Peace HL
 
Thank you, after 2 days it has already helped me get over some of the waking nightmares I’ve been having. Just hearing from other people and helping come to terms with what actually happened during those times.
 
Welcome, glad to hear you have already been helped by being here. Sorry you went through all that, we are here to listen and offer support! Be patient and take your time until you feel comfortable in telling more of your story and feelings. Like Healing light I am sure therapy and talking here will help a great deal.
 
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