Uphill

Uphill
W

wreckage

Registrant
I feel sometimes that I am struggling uphill when I am trying to figure out and have some revelations about my past.
First: I am trying to accept that my mother hitting me and having emotional neglect (no affection, support, "I love you" or gentleness at all) that that was a repeated kind of trauma (or CPTSD).

When I was asked by my wife if "your mother hit you?" years ago and I said: "yeah, if I did something wrong" I thought it was nothing. When I think about details like pulling hair, biting (one time), chasing, sticks (once in a while),

Writing this just now I realize that I am minimizing.

Second: Getting molested/abused (still struggling with this- one time- but penetrated with digit) is still a state of denial or what do I call it. I did not process this until several years ago and when it happened I was not in a supportive environment to process it.
I've had near-drowning experiences (3) and overdoeses (2) so i am still dealing with what I am and how damaged and is there a way back.

As mentioned in an earlier post I am reading The Body Keeps the Score and I w the brain/mind thing is opening my eyes.

However, to recover (not there in the book yet but hints of it) is apparently mindfulness, yoga (for me I might try to get back to Tai Chi which to me is a moving meditation- and then take it from there.

I am getting more confused and I feel upset when I read the book sometimes.

Feel like I am going uphill in terms of trying to understand or backwards(sliding down the hill.
 
wreckage said:
Writing this just now I realize that I am minimizing.

Second: Getting molested/abused (still struggling with this- one time- but penetrated with digit) is still a state of denial or what do I call it.
Click to expand...

Wreckage - I get it. I used to say that the step-dad was very strict and spanked me a lot. Now that I have processed the memories, I have revised that statement to reveal the truth that he was rage-filled and physically abusive and beat me with belts and switches.

I used to only remember that he repeatedly gave me enemas. Then I realized that he penetrated me with not only the tube but with other household objects. Now I know and say that he raped me with various items.

I was very good at both denial and minimalizing for a long time. Reading others' stories here has helped me to face and accept the truth and to come to terms with it. The above post of yours shows that you are making progress in working through your stuff, even though it may feel like you are sliding backwards down the hill. (And that book is an excellent one that really helped me, too. If it gets too triggering to read in big chunks, just set it aside for a while and come back to it later.)

Keep at it - you will make it eventually.
Lee
 
I minimise alot!
I too felt like I had gone backwards at times when really I was gaining more knowledge , processing it and releasing the trauma somewhat.
I have been dealing with reality this year with therapy and ms

My therapist has helped me understand how my father's sexualised behaviour impacted upon me and was sexual abuse of me despite the fact other sexual abuse I have suffered has been very different in my mind worse because they raped me still she says I shouldn't minimise what he did
I am more likely to say my father was an angry man because the other stuff is more painful and embarrassing to explain

Wishing you peace in your healing journey
HL
 
You're writing my story W and I could easily use your username to describe my life. I'm so sorry that we each experienced such things and have had to struggle through life as we have. I'm happy for you that you have a partner who is open to the work you're now feeling able to do. The Body Keeps the Score was eye opening for me as well and helped me accept that what my mother did to me during the first few years of my life made it impossible for me to inhabit my body or feel safe in the world. I've been making it up ever since.

I want to recommend a next book to you. A person on another thread mentioned it and I found a copy at the local library. It is exactly what you're looking for as you apply what you've learned from the Bessel van der Kolk book. There is a link to a post I wrote about the book in my signature line, but here is another link... The Shape of Trauma. The book is so powerful that I had to buy a copy for myself. It lays out everything you need to know as you go forward. It isn't written for therapists as a textbook but rather for trauma survivors like us. It is inspiring and beautiful. Check it out. I don't know if you have a therapist, but if not I'd encourage you to find one. We need support for doing this work. MS is WONDERFUL for that, but it may not be enough. All the best to you on your journey.
 
MS = MaleSurvivor (this website & Forum)
 
Visitor
The body keeps the score has been my absolute best support tool next to EMDR/IC. Really zero'd in how how the mind and body react and process trauma. I'm glad you brought this up...
 
Brennan87 said:
Visitor
The body keeps the score has been my absolute best support tool next to EMDR/IC. Really zero'd in how how the mind and body react and process trauma. I'm glad you brought this up...
Click to expand...

Actually Wreckage mentions it in is initial post and I echoed his experience. I'm not surprised it spoke to you, as it would all survivors of early trauma since it is the body that carries memories our minds were unable to assimilate. For me it began well before I had language so there was no way to put words to any of it. That means, of course, that therapy delving into those years is focused exclusively on feelings held in the body. Glad you've found a method of healing that works for you. Yes, EMDR is a powerful tool in the hands of someone knowledgeable about trauma. Familiarity with attachment theory is useful too, for framing the experiences we've had. It is great we share what is working for us with others who can benefit from our efforts. This community is amazing!
 
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