update
Brokenhearted
Registrant
Well, last night my hus. and I talked some. His tears are right near the surface now. All I have to do is look at him and he starts to cry. From what we talked about and his reactions of things I said I am pretty sure he is having sexual id confusion and has been w/ males as well as females. He feels this is who he is and yet says he doesn't know what he wants.
I said a lot of things, about his little-boy underdeveloped emotional thing, I hugged him a lot, showed compassion...told him it's normal and common what he's going through. Even though he doesn't believe it. He said this all started 6 yrs ago. That just happens to be when we lost our first baby, a boy, due to some fatal defects. I saw my T today and she said it probably made him feel like a failure and he may have seen it as a punishment for the things he did because of the abuse, even for the abuse itself, that he sees his life as rewards/punishments.
She suggested that the next time he says he doesn't deserve me, I should say, "Who says you don't deserve me?" He is getting a glimpse, from me, of unconditional love.
He said several times last night, "I'm looking for something I'm never going to find." Isn't that the truth. For starters, a father - to give him affirmation. Or at least a father figure that didn't abuse him - but that's too late also.
My T suggests I approach him this way: "We are friends, right, and friends hug. What I need from you is a hug every day. At the end of the whole thing, therapy, long time, etc., we can then decide what's going to happen to us. In the meantime we will be friends and I will be your friend throughout as long as it takes for you to be sure this (other lifestyle) is what you really want." Maybe then he would stay around home a little more. He probably feels punished every time he looks at me, thinking about the cheating he's done. He feels pressure to be a husband and give me things he cannot give right now.
In addition I know that since he has never opened his heart to anyone since the abuse, except for our toddler daughter now, I now realize he has never even opened it enough to allow Jesus in either. Which would provide him strength and a moral compass. No wonder he is struggling. I have strength he does not.
Bless his heart. All I can say is I hate to see him so hurting, so hopeless feeling. I said so many things last night, like his confusion is common and natural under his circumstance but does not have to be that way. I again said he can choose. (though I know he doesn't feel he has the strength to choose right now). If it turns out, after we've tried all there is to try and learned all there is to learn, that he decides he is unequivocally gay, then that will be the deal-breaker. Either that or if he just refuses to talk to someone EVER. But we're a *long* way from that yet.
I believe we have made a lot of progress already. 4 months ago when this all started (that I was made aware of it) he was angry, closed off, blaming me for everything. Now his heart has softened to where he cries, lets me hug him, lets me talk.
I believe our toddler can help him see how fragile and vulnerable and innocent little children really are, how HE was. I believe God brought us together - him from Europe and me from Texas - for this reason. I believe all will be healed in God's timing. It is my job to take care of myself, pray about it and not worry (I once learned that worrying is a sin because it means you are not trusting God), be patient, be his friend and make sure he knows I'm his friend and that I don't expect more than that from him right now, and demonstrate the mercy, compassion and unconditional love that I have in my heart.
I know the road is long, bumpy and painful. I know it will be tough. But I am feeling very hopeful and even excited now.
I know I will post again about something or other that's bothering me. I know there will be times when he seems to be closing me out again. And I know I still need all you guys to help me get through this.
All things are possible! Not giving up.
I said a lot of things, about his little-boy underdeveloped emotional thing, I hugged him a lot, showed compassion...told him it's normal and common what he's going through. Even though he doesn't believe it. He said this all started 6 yrs ago. That just happens to be when we lost our first baby, a boy, due to some fatal defects. I saw my T today and she said it probably made him feel like a failure and he may have seen it as a punishment for the things he did because of the abuse, even for the abuse itself, that he sees his life as rewards/punishments.
She suggested that the next time he says he doesn't deserve me, I should say, "Who says you don't deserve me?" He is getting a glimpse, from me, of unconditional love.
He said several times last night, "I'm looking for something I'm never going to find." Isn't that the truth. For starters, a father - to give him affirmation. Or at least a father figure that didn't abuse him - but that's too late also.
My T suggests I approach him this way: "We are friends, right, and friends hug. What I need from you is a hug every day. At the end of the whole thing, therapy, long time, etc., we can then decide what's going to happen to us. In the meantime we will be friends and I will be your friend throughout as long as it takes for you to be sure this (other lifestyle) is what you really want." Maybe then he would stay around home a little more. He probably feels punished every time he looks at me, thinking about the cheating he's done. He feels pressure to be a husband and give me things he cannot give right now.
In addition I know that since he has never opened his heart to anyone since the abuse, except for our toddler daughter now, I now realize he has never even opened it enough to allow Jesus in either. Which would provide him strength and a moral compass. No wonder he is struggling. I have strength he does not.
Bless his heart. All I can say is I hate to see him so hurting, so hopeless feeling. I said so many things last night, like his confusion is common and natural under his circumstance but does not have to be that way. I again said he can choose. (though I know he doesn't feel he has the strength to choose right now). If it turns out, after we've tried all there is to try and learned all there is to learn, that he decides he is unequivocally gay, then that will be the deal-breaker. Either that or if he just refuses to talk to someone EVER. But we're a *long* way from that yet.
I believe we have made a lot of progress already. 4 months ago when this all started (that I was made aware of it) he was angry, closed off, blaming me for everything. Now his heart has softened to where he cries, lets me hug him, lets me talk.
I believe our toddler can help him see how fragile and vulnerable and innocent little children really are, how HE was. I believe God brought us together - him from Europe and me from Texas - for this reason. I believe all will be healed in God's timing. It is my job to take care of myself, pray about it and not worry (I once learned that worrying is a sin because it means you are not trusting God), be patient, be his friend and make sure he knows I'm his friend and that I don't expect more than that from him right now, and demonstrate the mercy, compassion and unconditional love that I have in my heart.
I know the road is long, bumpy and painful. I know it will be tough. But I am feeling very hopeful and even excited now.
I know I will post again about something or other that's bothering me. I know there will be times when he seems to be closing me out again. And I know I still need all you guys to help me get through this.
All things are possible! Not giving up.
I am usually home and in bed by 9:30pm. So Bronhearted you hang in there K??? It will get better one day.