Update

Update
G

ginny1210

Registrant
Hello all,

I just wanted to give everyone an update on my situation. My husband and I are still not together. We talk about once or twice a week. He told me that his T told him he needs to make a choice is his life. He needs to choose to forgive and try to live a happy live and make his marriage work. (and continue with therapy) Or he has to choose to continue living a miserable life. My husband says that that is easier said than done. He does not tell me he wants a divorce (he did say that a month ago) or that he wants to try and make it work. He says he goes to work, goes home and goes to bed. He does not do anything else. He says he knows that is a cop out because he is not dealing with his problems.
I have been visiting this site regularly and have been reading victims no more.
Should I continue to leave him alone nd give him his time and space??
Ginny
 
Ginny,

My guess is that your husband is afraid that if he tries to reclaim his life he will fail. That's a common problem with survivors; from childhood we pick up this feeling of being rejects, losers and worthless, and that view of things doesn't go away just because we become adults. It is just so incredibly hard to shift that feeling...it's a terrible terrible fear, and oftentimes it seems preferable to just collapse and do nothing.

Here's an idea, but only you can tell if it makes sense. You say you two talk once or twice a week. How about arranging to meet occasionally for lunch? Something bright and cheery, not threatening or emotionally challenging, and not for a long period of time. That would give you an opportunity to show him in a very real way how you feel.

He might not be able to do even this, but if he can, it's a good sign.

Much love,
Larry
 
Larry,

I did call him yesterday and asked him if we could meet and grab a bite for dinner. He said maybe and that he would call me. He called me at 5:00pm and told me he wasn't up to it. I was okay with that. I will keep trying that approach. Thanks
 
Ginny,

Sorry to do a guy thing on you, but NOT dinner! Dinner means romance or possibilities of romance. What you need is a bright cheery lunchtime place with lots of people and a definite beginning time and a definite end. Tell him, Oh, at 2 I have to be off for a meeting/pick up my gf's kid/fight for world peace. Emotionally that's a lot safer. He doesn't have to face the prospects of a romantic evening emerging in the cards, and of him walking away from it, a failure once again.

Much love,
Larry
 
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