update...
Boy, I keep digging, and I keep uncovering deeper and deeper issues with my abuse. My T and I were discussing my frustration with sex, and sometimes an outsider can really cut to the chase. He hit me with some observations that I hope are the beginning of something better.
In describing out wants and needs, Deb has asked me to be more assertive and aggressive. Howard asked me if I did it? To be honest, I am very uncomfortable initiating new things. Im afraid she will judge me as I judge myself, sick, perverted. Im passive in bed, and being dominating is very out of character for me.
Two problems, first I expect her to give, and yet I am not giving. I expect her to go into things that make her uncomfortable, and yet I am unwilling to do the same. She has expressed a desire, and I havent fulfilled her. Perhaps I would be rewarded in kind if I did my part.
The second problem is that my pensiveness says that some part of me is still validating my abuser. I say I am not to blame, but yet I dont feel worthy of an equal relationship. I have to be submissive, just as he taught me to be when he was abusing me. My fear of being aggressive shows I am not completely past the messages he bombarded me with by abusing me.
We looked at my fantasies. There is a school of thought, Gessault (sp?) that says our fantasies are the mirror image of our repressed feelings and desires. In other words, if you fantasize or dream of being raped, it is actually that something inside of you is angry and wants to rape someone you are angry with. That violence that is aimed at you is actually the expression of violence you feel towards other people. My fantasies include goldenshowers, and Howard put it like this, who would you like to p*** on? Crude, but very effective, and I cant think of a more powerful way to put it. Applying this theory, my desire to receive is a repressed desire to do. I dont know if I totally agree with that, but I am willing to explore anything that might help me.
In answering his question there was a strange omission from my list, my abuser. I found that I dont really think about him very much at all. I thought it was because I was moving on, but Im not so sure now. It seems more likely I dont want to think about him. It is very hard for me because I acted out all my life. To judge Mat is to judge myself, so I avoid being angry with him and avoid judging him because I end up connecting myself to those things. What Howard feels is that though part of me believes that I was innocent and not to blame, some quiet, smaller part still refuses to let go. I need to be angry with Mat and to judge him, and that means facing some painful judgments about myself. Clearly, it is important I face my feelings about him more.
Someone once said recovery was like peeling the layers of an onion. Boy that is more real every time I uncover another layer. I thought I believed in my innocence and had forgiven myself, but I can see deeper inside, I havent gotten past it all.
In describing out wants and needs, Deb has asked me to be more assertive and aggressive. Howard asked me if I did it? To be honest, I am very uncomfortable initiating new things. Im afraid she will judge me as I judge myself, sick, perverted. Im passive in bed, and being dominating is very out of character for me.
Two problems, first I expect her to give, and yet I am not giving. I expect her to go into things that make her uncomfortable, and yet I am unwilling to do the same. She has expressed a desire, and I havent fulfilled her. Perhaps I would be rewarded in kind if I did my part.
The second problem is that my pensiveness says that some part of me is still validating my abuser. I say I am not to blame, but yet I dont feel worthy of an equal relationship. I have to be submissive, just as he taught me to be when he was abusing me. My fear of being aggressive shows I am not completely past the messages he bombarded me with by abusing me.
We looked at my fantasies. There is a school of thought, Gessault (sp?) that says our fantasies are the mirror image of our repressed feelings and desires. In other words, if you fantasize or dream of being raped, it is actually that something inside of you is angry and wants to rape someone you are angry with. That violence that is aimed at you is actually the expression of violence you feel towards other people. My fantasies include goldenshowers, and Howard put it like this, who would you like to p*** on? Crude, but very effective, and I cant think of a more powerful way to put it. Applying this theory, my desire to receive is a repressed desire to do. I dont know if I totally agree with that, but I am willing to explore anything that might help me.
In answering his question there was a strange omission from my list, my abuser. I found that I dont really think about him very much at all. I thought it was because I was moving on, but Im not so sure now. It seems more likely I dont want to think about him. It is very hard for me because I acted out all my life. To judge Mat is to judge myself, so I avoid being angry with him and avoid judging him because I end up connecting myself to those things. What Howard feels is that though part of me believes that I was innocent and not to blame, some quiet, smaller part still refuses to let go. I need to be angry with Mat and to judge him, and that means facing some painful judgments about myself. Clearly, it is important I face my feelings about him more.
Someone once said recovery was like peeling the layers of an onion. Boy that is more real every time I uncover another layer. I thought I believed in my innocence and had forgiven myself, but I can see deeper inside, I havent gotten past it all.