update...

[zadok1]

Well, to update the ongoing saga of Jeff. My wife and I talked about sex the other day, and she feels that I have my priorities confused. I explained all the work I have put into recovery, and that I feel like I am focused just where I need to be. She feels that sex is unimportant, and that if you dont get it, you wont die from it. I explained that I felt that there were very valid reasons to want sex to be part of my life, and that I didnt feel once every couple of weeks was enough. I reasoned that I was being left feeling unloved and unwanted by the lack of intimacy and affection in our lives. I agreed I could take care of the physical release in a matter of minutes in the shower, but that I still needed the emotional support and affection that went along with it. I explained that I felt alone and isolated.

The bottom line is that I came away feeling that as far as she is concerned, I can take it as it is or leave. I guess dealing with addictive sexual issues in our past has left her unwilling to compromise. That is my fault, but it doesnt make the choices facing me any easier. With her unwilling to meet me somewhere in the middle, I have to decide if I can live like this. I guess inside, I already know the answer. It is the most frightening prospect I have ever faced, the idea of walking away from my family. All that keeps running through my mind is that before I can make others happy, I need to take care of my needs so that I can be happy. That is of little comfort.

I have come to believe that I chose a mate while suffering the lingering effects of abuse, and that I made a bad choice. Deborah is a good woman, and if we could start fresh without the tainted past, who knows. I guess I have just used her up over the years. Damn, this recovery stuff is hard sometimes.

 

[The Dean]

Jeff,

You sound to me like a loving, normal man, who has overcome some huge obstacles in your life.

My thought is that there must be some reason why your wife does not desire sex more often, since, if I remember correctly, you are still a young couple.

Your thoughts about satisfying the physical needs so easily but not the emotional needs is really rather beautiful and for some reason I got tears in my eyes over that. To me, it speaks so beautifully of why people get into a marriage and want to keep in it. You inspired me.

I think you probably will gain some, if you ask your wife to open her heart and speak about her needs for emotional love, about feeling good about herself as a woman and especially as a wife. Get her to talk about what is deep in her and I think her natural warmth will return for you, if, indeed, she ever had it. And I think you mentioned that she did.

At any rate Jeff. You have touched my heart and I am grateful for that. I'll talk to God about you and your wife, although I know God knows all about you two, I will bug God just a bit--God is getting a lot of warm fuzzies these days, He can put up with a lecture or two from me.

Bob