UPDATE

UPDATE
O

one_day_at_a_time

Registrant
Wow it has been a long time since ive been back here
I see so many new members and so many new things its truly amazing

but
Its been interesting recently
Due to some relocation I have been living in a nex place with new people and live alone with an older women who is just there. Its been amaeing because I feel like I am finally getting to know me without having someone there to distract me from myself. But its weird because I feel like I figure out some what who I am but then so much sexuality stuff comes out. I dont know if its the abuse or me really being somewhat bi but I feel like I see guys that are hot or attractive and I just become aroused and I just dont know why.
This summer I ahd my first gay experience as I hooked up with some random dude in a club and I had sex with him. I dont know what to think of it. It felt so surreal but not freeing persay It just confused me alot and it was just weird yet when i was making out with him it was so unbelievably exciting that it just took me back.
But i just dont know if I crave this attention because of my abuse or because of who I am. I know this is a trigger full message but I need to get this off. I dont know if anyone has this similar battle but if you do please respone back

Stay strong

Much love

Mark
 
Mark,

Welcome back. I'm glad you are enjoying your new location. I think you may want to re-post this thread in the Sexual Idenity or Gay Survivors discussion board - you may get more answers to your question.

Again, welcome back.
 
Hi Mark,

I too want to welcome you back. I hope you find what you need here.

AuthenticMe has a good suggestion, Not that we don't want what you have to say here. It's quite OK.

I would say that MANY of us here have at the very least had the attractions you speak of though I'm sure not everyone has actually had a physical same sex encounter.

Is it the abuse that does this? Partly, I'm sure. It also may be the fact that you are longing for the natural male to male bond that we never got from our father. another possibility is that you may naturally have those attractions. I think that some people are that way although many people would dissagree with me.

Whatever the case Mark, you are not alone.

Courage,

John
 
Mark,

I think it would be difficult for any of us here to comment on your own inner feelings about your sexuality; only you could decide that. But maybe that's the whole point. You just have to be true to yourself and not to anyone else's ideas about scales of straight > bi > gay.

I do think that abuse can mess with how we see this. For example, my first sexual experiences were four years of abuse by an assistant scoutmaster beginning age 11. That's what I knew. It was never repeated, but it left me with feelings that this was what I was good for. Had anyone else appeared to take advantage of my confusion and zero self-esteem, I bet I would have been the easiest target around. All of that would have had nothing to do with my sexuality though, though even without more abusers it certainly DID mess with my perceptions of my sexuality.

Much love,
Larry
 
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