Update

[Just Call me J]

I have had a number of developments in my life in the last week, that I wanted to share with you guys.

Most notably has been my change from Swingshift to Dayshift at the home for abused kids I work in. This means waking up each morning at at time I used to consider going to sleep! The transition has been (thankfully) rather painless. The dayshift means that I have greater chances to be social with my friends and family. It also means that I can begin to pursue my Master's Degree in Social Work. Since I don't know really what questions I need to be asking about that, I'm going to my aunt, and one of the SWs at work, to get some recommendations. I've also gotten a raise in my pay(independent of the shift change).

Other notable changes are that I'll be moving in with my best friend (the lesbian one that has been my greatest support in all the shite I've had to go through) around Nov 1. This move means that I'll pay significantly less on rent (leaving me much more money to spend on other aspects of my life, such as replacing the very beat-up 1987 car I currently drive).

Since my new roommate is also aware of my crossdressing, and has been supportive of it (jealous that she's never been able to participate, actually), I will be able to explore this aspect of my life a bit more than I ever was before. One complication to all this, is the very conflicting, and yet very real, feelings that she and I have for each other. She may be lesbian, but she has said that a very feminine man is to her liking as well. Since emotional intimacy seems to be the issue that has kept me from allowing any physical relationships in the past, this is the hurdle I can easily jump. The problem is that we are both in extremely vulnerable places emotionally. We have both broached the topic of our mutual interest in each other, but left it as "a bad idea," one that we shouldn't pursue. I'm finding my will to resist this "bad idea" eroding, however. And that does make me question the wisdom of moving into the same apartment as her. I have committed to doing it, though. And it makes so much sense for other aspects of my life.

If my prospective therapist and I can ever finish our game of phone tag, I'll be able to start counseling, also. In all the things that have happened in the last 3 weeks, dealing with my abuse issues has been bumped down the list of priorities. I'd like to bring it back towards the top. Lord knows that I've got plenty of other work to do (especially considering that last paragraph I wrote).

So I might have left a few things out, but I do feel like I am recreating myself. I have literally begun a whole new life. New hours, new job, new housing, potential new car, new relationships, new challenges. It's scary, but liberating at the same time.

I don't think I would have been able to handle all this change, unless things had worked out the way they have. I'm ready for it, like I never was before.

And since I need to take care of some of these changes, I need to go.

I wish you guys all the best. You've been in my prayers.

We're in this together.

Jeremy

 

Jeremy,

Your last couple of sentences have raised my level of concern a bit:

And since I need to take care of some of these changes, I need to go.

I wish you guys all the best. You've been in my prayers.

This sounds so final...and I hope that is not your intention. You have made some wonderful contributions to this forum and it would be a real loss for us all to not have your participation, Jeremy.

As to your new roommate situation, you make mention of your emotional vulnerability and that this may be a "bad idea," to use your words. You then went on to say:

In all the things that have happened in the last 3 weeks, dealing with my abuse issues has been bumped down the list of priorities. I'd like to bring it back towards the top. Lord knows that I've got plenty of other work to do (especially considering that last paragraph I wrote).

Unless I'm missing something, it appears to me that all of these things are, in fact, intertwined. If you are going to do A (move in with your good friend for whom you may ultimately have emotional and/or sexual relations), then B (your abuse issues) is really still on the radar screen.

I hope that the therapist with whom you have been playing telephone tag finally connects with you, as I belive that that support will give you a good shot at sorting all of this stuff out.

You have many good insights and have been generous in sharing them with us here on this forum. It would be my wish that you continue to participate with us, Jeremy.

We ARE in this together.

Goopd luck, my friend; I know that you will be guided to make the best choices for yourself.

Don

 

[Just Call me J]

No worries, Don, I was merely describing that I had spent too much time writing posts, when I had to be making some phone calls. Telephone tag continues, sadly, but at least I was able to give my new availability for counseling over the phone. I suppose I'll get a call sometime this week, when she can fit me in for an appointment.

I was really hoping to have that portion of my "new life" taken care of today...

My aforementioned best friend and I had "the talk" tonight. We went out to see the new movie "Serendipity" and that led waaaaayyyy too easily into the conversation about Us.

I'm not sure why I'm in so much less turmoil than she obviously is, over this. I'm not sure if this is my usual defense mechanism of "don't feel too much" or if it's flat out denial. But I know that she's got plenty of reasons to be in turmoil. Dunno if any of you guys have seen the movie "Chasing Amy" but it's going to be a wonderful starting point for understanding the mess we're currently in.

But basically, I said that our earlier conversations, in which we admitted our feelings, then agreed that it would be a bad idea to act on them, weren't enough. I'm having a hard time keeping these feelings away; "being strong" isn't cutting it. My strength isn't going to last. Like it or not, I really do love her, deeply.

And she feels the same way. But she's got plenty of other things on her plate, that don't make this easy. Things like, she's lesbian. Like her girlfriend died almost 6 months ago. Like she has already ruined one friendship with a close guy friend because they had sex. Like she doesn't trust herself, and is sure that she'll do "something stupid" (her words) and end up hurting me.

We are the greatest source of support in each of our recent trials. I don't think I would have ever actually said any of this, if she hadn't shown interest as well. I was content to consider it a crush, and nothing more. But I started to see the signs that she felt it too, and then she confirmed it. And that is why it felt right to put this out there. It's not that I disregard the consequences; I just felt that this was too important to ignore. (this paragraph never really made it into the conversation, by the way).

I told her that I didn't expect to "solve" this issue tonight. Neither of us wants to hurt our friendship. I'm fine with giving her some time to digest it, and we'll see how things go. For now, I hope that I'm not naive to think that we can carry on as normal; we've felt these things for each other for the last several months, and managed to hang out like normal, so I don't see how things are REALLY different. It's just that our suspicions have been revealed to be true. I think (hope) that we can carry on as we have done before.

I really don't see how love and truth can bring about any pain. We've been moving around this huge thing in the living room, and now I've identified it as an elephant. So now we can deal with it, instead of acting like it's not really there, even as we step around it, and complain about how cramped it is... Did I kill the metaphor there?

Anyway, I'm explaining a lot, which means I'm worried I've screwed things up, and I'm trying to convince myself that all is right with the world. I can't undo this. So now, I have to work with the reality of the situation.

I need to go to bed now, because I start my work week in just a few short hours. Perhaps it will keep me occupied, so I don't churn this over too much in my brain. This could be fortuitous timing. Serendipity, even.

Ok, that's it. I'm off to bed. Good night, and God bless!

Jeremy

 

Jeremy,

I am SO glad that you are not leaving the forum; thanks for clarifying my misperception.

Upon re-reading your initial post...and then this second one, this is the sentence that jumped off the screen:

Like it or not, I really do love her, deeply.

Sure, it sounds as though there are a lot of loose ends that may need attention, but when you love someone deeply - and there is a mutual commitment to make it work - miracles do happen.

As you have acknowledged at the end of your most recent post, you are doing a lot intellectual processing that probably does keep things churning for you. Time to get out of your head and opoen yourself up to the feelings.

I've got a feeling that this is going to work itself out. Moreover, as long as your intentions are that things will work for the highest and best good, then it's going to be okay.

Given your previous abuse, I would be very surprised if you weren't second-guessing yourself....that's one of the things that we SA victims do a lot. That said, I belive that you have some very good insights and I trust that the Spirit will lead you where you need to go.

Keep us "posted!"

Don

 

[Just Call me J]

More developments in my life.

That's why I've been so quiet, lately.

I'm moving this week, so I have to put my life into boxes, and decide what is still worth keeping. I wish I could do as well with my emotional baggage. I'll be with (what did we decide to call her, guys?) "Cathy" my lesbian friend.

And I dressed up for her last weekend. It was a lot of fun, and kind of scary, too. I also told my best friend from college about my crossdressing. He was cool with it, though we didn't go deep on the subject.

I feel a bunch of other emotional issues under the surface right now, but I can't process them right now. Too much stuff to do. I wish I had to time to post another book, but I seriously don't have the time or the energy.

It'll post again, when I can.

To all you new guys, I'm glad you found us. I find myself in an emotional place that I can't offer support to others the way I have been. I'm glad that the rest of you guys are able to. They're all great guys.

We're in this together.

Jeremy

 

Jeremy,

You have been just great; your many contributions are both helpful and appreciated. You have good instincts and and even kinder heart. I'll enjoy your posts whenever you have the time and inclination to sign on.

Don