Update: Wife of a Survivor

Update: Wife of a Survivor
E

expectinfeb14

Registrant
My husband continues to refuse to get counseling for the abuse he suffered with his father. furthermore he still thinks supervised visits with his dad will be okay with our son. my sonia already 3 months old and i am no longer closer to finding a solution to this problem. thankfully my inlaws live cross country but his father will be wanting to meet our little one soon probably around july and i want to set the boundaries before that happens. I initially compromised with my husband that i would let his dad meet the baby for now supervised, but i am still not comfortable with his dad staying at our house. i know i can sleep with my baby, but i don't want to set a standard that its ok that he stays with us now but that when the baby gets older it won't be. id rather just cut it off now. i still don't understand why my husband continues to deny the severity of this. he will constantly downplay the abuse or say other people had it much worse, and that his father is a changed man. and that by me telling him i feel for the safety of my child, i am implying he doesn't want the best for our son too. i am so sad because i love my husband so much and I've tried to make this work. he agreed 3 months ago that as long as he was the one to bring it up himself we could talk every wednesday night about the issues regarding this abuse, but 3 months passed and he never once brought it up. i would bring it up myself but i know it always turns into a fight because he says i am just trying to start something and that I'm beating a dead horse. i have considered divorce in the past but this is the first time i am seriously considering it. even though i have no job and still need to finish my masters degree, i may need to separate myself from him or something. i don't want this man around my child, i don't want my son feeling comfortable with him and i am so afraid they will move here to be closer to their grandchild. at this point i don't know what to do. if i divorce my husband how can i protect my son if i can't prove why i think my son is in danger. the abuse happened way past the SOL and my husband can easily deny he ever even told me he was abused in order to get access to his own son.
 
I hope you get some good advice from other parents on here. I don't have any children but if I was in your shoes I would feel the same way. Personally I think a parents number one job is to love and protect their child. I wonder if your husband doesn't want to consider his father a threat because that would require that he face the damage his father did to him. I would seek the council of a good family therapist and perhaps even meet with a lawyer to find out what your options are if it comes to that. Its always best to educate yourself so that you can protect your little one. This sounds very stressful and I hope that your H realizes some things. How awful would he feel if later on he finds out his father did hurt his child and his denial enabled it to happen? I can only imagine.
 
Hi - congratulations on the baby!!

All of your instincts seem right on to me. And I agree with HD that your husband's denial now extends to your child. Your husband is not in recovery and you get to decide what is safe and unsafe for your child. From my point of view, there can be no compromise and having firm boundaries is the best position.

I hope that survivors will answer your question about allowing their children to have relationships with their abusers. I think a survivor in denial might allow that but a survivor in recovery probably might not.

I was not sexually abused but I was emotional abused by my mother and for a long time, before I had dealt with it in therapy, I allowed her to be around my children and it was a big mistake because she started to use them to continue to abuse me. A sort of triangulation. Your husband cannot see this yet, he can't see that the risk outweighs anything positive that might come of it. But you can.

Your baby is small but can you imagine the impact of this twistedness later when he can start to sense everything? And what happens if he starts to feel that his parents didn't protect him? KNOWING that an abuser was willfully brought into his life. Just read the survivor stories to see how many times that happens and just how horrible the outcomes are.

I know I don't need to say any of this to you. I read your post and I can tell you know how wrong this is.

Prior to getting divorced though, I encourage you to set some firm boundaries in the relationship. I encourage you to insist that he needs to be in active recovery. I encourage you to insist that he at least go to therapy with you to discuss these issues and the issues with the baby. I encourage you to be immovable. When boundaries are moveable, you are just inviting a fight. I said this before but your husband is not seeing this clearly for whatever reason - maybe he is in denial, maybe he wants to appease his father, maybe it is even more twisted. Children come first and we have an obligation to protect ours in every way that we can. I don't envy your situation at all. Not at all. My husband was abused by a family member and it would be over my dead cold body before they were around my children. EVER.
 
I had no issues with my daughter. I feel like we have a great relationship and I know she loves her daddy dearly.

We do not have to be the things that happened to us. I got bit by a mean dog as a kid. I don't go around biting people.
 
Thank you ! He agreed to see a therapist but it was hard and its not his first priority and i have to nag him on it otherwise it never gets done.unfortunately we dont have the luxury of time
 
OTF: Expectin's question is not about her husband, but about her husband's abuser (his father, the baby grandfather).
 
Esposa said:
OTF: Expectin's question is not about her husband, but about her husband's abuser (his father, the baby grandfather).
Click to expand...

I need to get glasses!

Sorry for the seemingly crazy answer!

I am a bit careful with kids and what they are exposed to. I always kept a watchful eye on my daughter. She was a beautiful child that never met a stranger. As a teen she developed quickly. I was always watching over her!

I don't know info would ever have knowingly left her in the company of an abuser.

I know that it took decades for me to call my abuse what it was. My denial.

That is a tricky spot.
 
.....it would be over my dead cold body before they were around my children. EVER
Click to expand...

That was what i was thinking. The OP is totally right with how she feels. H is in denial.

You can't hand your child over (theoretically speaking) to a child molester. Grandpa is not to be trusted.
 
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