Update: Struggling with PTSD—Intense Shame & Guilt

Scott1816

Registrant
My previous thread: 'Groomed and raped by a celebrity (Trigger Warning!)'
https://forum.malesurvivor.org/threads/groomed-and-raped-by-a-celebrity-trigger-warning.82545/

I’m having some trouble these last couple of days—more than normal. Self-blame, shame, and guilt are at the forefront, sometimes crippling and puts me in a dark place.

I don’t look at myself in the mirror with respect. Instead I see a guy trying to remove himself from the situation and hiding it by not talking about it to those closest to him. When I do talk about it, I find myself lessening the incident with lies as if that will make it go away. It’s like I’m in denial but I have been in therapy for about 2 months now actively working on it. But I wonder if it’s enough.

My PTSD is hyperactive. Many things are triggering—a radio commercial with his voice, my friends and family commenting/liking his social posts or talking about him, the spot in my house where it took place, so many things.

I wrote an email to my therapist last week like a journal entry—very therapeutic. Sunday I got drunk and blacked out. This morning, I discovered an email draft I started following up to that first email to my therapist. It read, “I’m not a peace. I keep feeling like it’s my fault. I should’ve seen this coming.”

I was fine about a month ago, but over the last week I feel overwhelmed with emotion and doubt. I also have hate in my heart for this narcissist asshole. I really wish I didn’t and in fact want to forgive him. I think that would help me move on. But trust me, I never want to talk to him again.

Any thoughts or advice are very welcomed.
 

Matt78

Registrant
My previous thread: 'Groomed and raped by a celebrity (Trigger Warning!)'
https://forum.malesurvivor.org/threads/groomed-and-raped-by-a-celebrity-trigger-warning.82545/

I’m having some trouble these last couple of days—more than normal. Self-blame, shame, and guilt are at the forefront, sometimes crippling and puts me in a dark place.

I don’t look at myself in the mirror with respect. Instead I see a guy trying to remove himself from the situation and hiding it by not talking about it to those closest to him. When I do talk about it, I find myself lessening the incident with lies as if that will make it go away. It’s like I’m in denial but I have been in therapy for about 2 months now actively working on it. But I wonder if it’s enough.

My PTSD is hyperactive. Many things are triggering—a radio commercial with his voice, my friends and family commenting/liking his social posts or talking about him, the spot in my house where it took place, so many things.

I wrote an email to my therapist last week like a journal entry—very therapeutic. Sunday I got drunk and blacked out. This morning, I discovered an email draft I started following up to that first email to my therapist. It read, “I’m not a peace. I keep feeling like it’s my fault. I should’ve seen this coming.”

I was fine about a month ago, but over the last week I feel overwhelmed with emotion and doubt. I also have hate in my heart for this narcissist asshole. I really wish I didn’t and in fact want to forgive him. I think that would help me move on. But trust me, I never want to talk to him again.

Any thoughts or advice are very welcomed.
I was groomed too, and it's hard to cope with that. Like you mentioned; shame, humiliation, and self doubting everything that I know happened. All the how and why, and "how could I let it happen ". The thing I've been thinking alot about lately is that these people got off specifically on having a victim. Had any of our experiences not been either forced or coerced, our abusers wouldn't have even wanted to do anything at all. Basically, had we actually consented or wanted it somehow; they wouldn't have been interested. They're predators, and he deserves your anger and your hate. I definitely see your point about forgiveness and moving on. But, in my experience, it would really help me to be able to be angry and hate my abusers. It would make it easier to accept. But, I think my lack of rage is due to the fact I probably still don't believe that it wasn't my fault. I guess my point is; that anger and hate that you have is part of the coping process. I hope that made some sense.
 

dartflight

Registrant
I hope you are still getting help. If you ever want to vent, rant, scream, etc. I and others can listen. We are here. Please excuse this jumbled messy response.

You are not alone. I know what it is like to feel like you are all alone, to feel anger and rage at my abuser and everyone that had a hand in protecting him. I know what it is like to feel anger at yourself. To feel shame. Too many of us know all about that.

It took a few years, but eventually I did feel forgiveness. Not for him. Not for the university that protected him and exposed me. I forgave myself. I forgave that terrified 21 man that was targeted, groomed and abused.

My abuser is not worth forgiveness to me. He's not worthy of anymore of my time or effort and has not been for many years. I've found things crop up over time, this last time it took me years to realize the anger I still have for people that protected him and exposed me. I'm in therapy again and working through this. I know things will crop up again. I will deal with them.

Maybe you will choose to forgive the person that assaulted you, that is up to you and you alone.

Journalling & exercise helped me process a lot. It might help you, it might not. We are all different in how we process things.

Who, when and how you tell people is up to you. Not telling people does not mean you are hiding. I've told very few people; my parents, lawyers (he sued me for slander), therapists, few friends and my wife. It was easier the more people I told.

It is not fair what happened. Recovering is hard, it will take work, but it will be worth it in the end.

We are worthy of being loved and living our best lives. I wrote a lot of this in between helping my kids were getting ready for school, playing with our dog and while waiting for my wife at a medical appointment. I did this without crying, breaking down, lashing out, withdrawing, etc. This happened to me. It happened to all of us. It will not define the rest of my life.
 

zion_0711

Registrant
My previous thread: 'Groomed and raped by a celebrity (Trigger Warning!)'
https://forum.malesurvivor.org/threads/groomed-and-raped-by-a-celebrity-trigger-warning.82545/

I’m having some trouble these last couple of days—more than normal. Self-blame, shame, and guilt are at the forefront, sometimes crippling and puts me in a dark place.

I don’t look at myself in the mirror with respect. Instead I see a guy trying to remove himself from the situation and hiding it by not talking about it to those closest to him. When I do talk about it, I find myself lessening the incident with lies as if that will make it go away. It’s like I’m in denial but I have been in therapy for about 2 months now actively working on it. But I wonder if it’s enough.

My PTSD is hyperactive. Many things are triggering—a radio commercial with his voice, my friends and family commenting/liking his social posts or talking about him, the spot in my house where it took place, so many things.

I wrote an email to my therapist last week like a journal entry—very therapeutic. Sunday I got drunk and blacked out. This morning, I discovered an email draft I started following up to that first email to my therapist. It read, “I’m not a peace. I keep feeling like it’s my fault. I should’ve seen this coming.”

I was fine about a month ago, but over the last week I feel overwhelmed with emotion and doubt. I also have hate in my heart for this narcissist asshole. I really wish I didn’t and in fact want to forgive him. I think that would help me move on. But trust me, I never want to talk to him again.

Any thoughts or advice are very welcomed.
I understand how you feel. I too suffer with PTSD. My thoughts are simple. Your feelings and thoughts are normal. What I would encourage you to journal how you feel on various days and what is going on around you. There may be environmental triggers that you are unaware of. The more journaling you do, the more you'll understand yourself and your reactions and it'll help you to recognize them as well as know how to respond in the moment.
 
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