update...if anyone is interested

update...if anyone is interested
C

Cement

Registrant
I haven't been on at all over the last months...I had to stop my therapy because it cost too much and the state would no longer pay the portion they had been paying.

I have a son, now six months old, and he is the peace and joy of my life. I have those feelings (you know, the feelings) that something terrible will happen to him and I cannot imagine the horror of how I will feel. I watch and worry that the potential and innocence will slip away or worse be taken away from him as he grows, that the world is waiting outside to pounce on his openness and helplessness.

You (may) recall that I had a near affair with a woman online. Luckily I averted that tragedy waiting to happen. She opened my eyes to how wonderful my wife is, but the feelings of wanting outside validation do not subside. The desire for online porn and exhibitionism may never go away, but I am recognizing that they are distractions, like a drug, that keep me from my purpose.

My wife still is distracted from paying attention to me, but I love her and everyone says she will "come back" to me as time goes by.

I wrote, at work, for months on end. Then I started playing an online scrabble game, at work, for months on end. Then I started to chat with people, at work, for months on end. I guess I can say that each of those have to do with words, and so I must have some connection to expression via the written word. I am trying to find my way back to writing.

Work stinks, predictably, given that I work in a backwater division of my company with little or no recognition and less resources to do what is a very difficult job. I sent out about 30 resumes and cover letters to people in an area of my business that I would prefer to work in, but I have had no responses yet.

So my struggle has become one of self-realization, to un-freeze myself from the assumptions I have always made about myself. Interestingly, some (civilian, aka non-survivor) people I have met online have helped to reinforce my worth.

I want to write...to be heard, to impact even a few people with my view of things. The world and our place in it changes not by leaps and bounds, but by the smallest steps we are able to take, every day.

James
 
The world and our place in it changes not by leaps and bounds, but by the smallest steps we are able to take, every day.
Click to expand...
James,

This is good to hear. I am sorry that you are experiencing the difficulties you are. I especially hate that the state cut off funding and that you are unable to get anything through your employer.

Its good to be reminded that change usually happens by small steps and not by giant leaps.

I like words, too. I suggest you keep expressing yourself. It helps me. My life was changed for the better when I stumbled on MS and as I have continued here.

I have up and down times and the guys here are patient and supportive with both.

Brett
 
My brother,

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

I remind myself of that every day.

It'd good that you wish to make an impact. You already do here. Time to add that voice of yours to another venue. It's a glorious thing to persue what you are MADE to do, go where your GIFTS take you.

I am proud to know you and feel you'll make your way out of the woods and back to the light of where you want to be.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
James,

It is very good to see your post. I do hope you write, early and often each day.

Enjoy every moment that you can with James, Jr. His potential is not subject to any threat while under your watchful eye. He has a concerned and loving father, so he will never be helpless.

Please write. Write and if you hate it, rewrite it. Write to your wife, write to your son. Write on napkins and lunch bags and the dashboard if necessary, but write.

I see my T through the the local rape crisis center. It's part of the public health system, but some of them are volunteer organizations. If you're interested, check the listings at RAINN to find something local to you.

Oh, and before I forget, I'd like to ask you to write. Please write.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Hey Cement,

I have been wondering about you and Mortar (James Jr.). Figured he has been taking up most of your time (no such thing as spare time anymore).

Good to hear from you.

William Sr.

P.S. Do you get the Senior discount now? No place will seem to give it to me. :D I just can't figure that out.
 
James good to hear from you again.

I have a son, now six months old, and he is the peace and joy of my life. I have those feelings (you know, the feelings) that something terrible will happen to him and I cannot imagine the horror of how I will feel. I watch and worry that the potential and innocence will slip away or worse be taken away from him as he grows, that the world is waiting outside to pounce on his openness and helplessness.
Click to expand...
I think that is a fear of every survivor. But you know what. Raise him with joy and friendship and love. Be there for him when the good things happen ( first basball game etc) and when the going gets rough. Treat him as something special and with respect. We cannot protect them from their mistakes and dont even try. Didnt work for me. Remember he is a unique gift to you and your wife.
 
Thanks guys...

Mike, for your insight
Brett and Scot, for your compassion
Joe, for reminding me to...wait, WHAT was it you reminded me to do again?
and Bill, for making me laugh...twice..."Mortar" it is for Junior, and does this mean I should be able to play on the PGA Senior's Tour?

peace,
James
 
cement..

kids are great..i think we all have those fears..especially from what we read and have experienced. I enjoy spending quality time with my 9 y/o--like doing the sea world thing; the zoo; the river walk; monster trucks; jogging (he rides a bike-and i'll hoof it).


check out----https://www.utexas.edu/student/cmhc/booklets/maleassault/menassault.html

https://www.survivingtothriving.org/

Call RAINN at 1-800-656-HOPE
for free, confidential crisis counseling for an location near you.

Take care........ :cool:
 
Cement-

your a lucky guy. very much so.

it's fantastic to have a son; especially at our age.

you are blessed.

buy a family zoo pass-you'll need it. get cartoon network if you don't already have it.
 
Congratulations on your son, and for averting the online affair. I am not sure how much you speak with your wife of your feelings, but I could imagine it would be difficult to say 'I need you in my life more, I need more attention from you' or such (I am not married, so have no valid advice on that). I will say though, that your words do have worth. Everyone who posts here, there is something of value in what they say. It may not be a post that I agree with, but still, even those people and posts, I will learn something from, either of myself or general.

Good luck with your search for another job, but please do not wish to feel your worth validated by outside resources. You are worthy, regardless of your job.

Leosha
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top