Update - I saw a T

Update - I saw a T
B

Brokenhearted

Registrant
Hi, you all,

I posted this under my old topic "New Here-can't believe all this" but then thought I'd make a new topic so it might be more visible.

First, thank you, all of you, for your responses to my sad post. I need your expertise and experience.

I did see a T on Thursday. He has been doing 40 yrs of work with kids/adults, and one of the things he specializes in is SA. In fact, he himself had been abused as a child and I thought he could be a valuable source of insight. Also he even has a group of sex offenders he works with, just because he relishes all the knowledge he can get on the subject, and he wants to know what in the world makes them do it.

What I came away with is this: Without him being able to talk to my husband or get inside his head, he can only give educated guesses. He suggested that maybe the reason my husband feels if I truly knew him I would not love him, may be because he could be having sexual identity confusionn which I've read is COMMON to csa survivors, not meaning they are gay but just directly relates back to the csa they experienced.

He also stated that, since my husband has been rather aloof and independent in a way throughout our whole marriage (it is just getting WORSE now), and because of his background, he believes he may actually have something called "Attachment Disorder." Reading up on it, it is something caused by the mother not being there much at all during yrs 1-3, which might true in his case. Not sure.....the child does not learn to bond with its mother and therefore has trouble bonding to anyone later as an adult. He just does not need anyone. The T said if this is so, then Attachment Disorder is pretty resistant to therapy because therapy is actually asking the person to bond with the therapist in order to be open about issues and be able to heal.

The therapist said he himself was sexually abused as a child, but he has a lovely wife and loves her. He said he has no trouble bonding to her. He said that some people can be abused one time, for 30 seconds, and they can end up in hospitals for depression and have terrible times dealing with it, and other people can go through yrs of abuse and still be able to get through life all right without much trouble at all.

His advice was actually that in order for my husband to get help I would have to pretty much put down an "ultimatim" of sorts to get him to talk to someone. Like, "This has got to stop. We have no relationship, we have no marriage pretty much, and this therapist is very concerned as to why we have no relationship. If you refuse to talk to him or someone else so we can work this out, then I will need to speak to an attorney about my options."

Now, I really am NOT ready to give any kind of ultimatim. The therapist said he wasn't trying to crush me, he just said it is a hard situation I'm in, that I'm too young and attractive and have too much to give to someone who can be whole, and that I deserve to be appreciated in return. Which is true.

I only talked to this T that one time, and have no future appts. I merely wanted some possible insight.

My heart says I don't want to lose this, that's the truth, and we have a beautiful little child to raise. I'm going to hang on and just pray and pray.

I did show some anger/tears the other night about our situation and I have to say he seems to act more respectful toward me since. He is more talkative (even if it is only about work) and actually put his arm around me the other day (WOW) and smiled when I came into the living room to say good morning to him and our daughter, who was up early playing with blocks. Maybe he just needs me to stand up more for myself, not give HIM all the control, let him know that there's two of us here that have feelings. It seems to maybe be a key so far.

SAR, you are right, I should probably ask him what exactly would make him happy. Usually he's just so darn elusive/general about it all. The other night after clearing up the "gay" issue, I said, "Well, you say I wouldn't love you if I knew you, so exactly what is it I don't know about you?" and he would not tell me.

I remember back when he cheated on me, when I finally started throwing and breaking things, it finally got through to him and he told me later that he didn't realize the magnamity of the situation until that moment. I guess you have to almost crack his head open to get through to him. So maybe when I stand up for myself every now and then with my own anger in defense of MY feelings, he listens, finally, and comes out of his own world he's so wrapped up in right now. I don't know.

I'll keep in touch - maybe not every day but I will check in with you guys. I want to hear how your own situations turn out, hopefully they will improve.

Brokenhearted
 
Brokenhearted,

Here I just want to comment on your appointment with the T, and I should admit right off the bat that I am NOT a therapist.

I don't want to throw a wrench in the works, but as I read through your post a LOT of alarm bells were going off in my head about this T. Here are a few reasons why:

1. You go to talk to him about your problems and issues, and instead he spends a lot of time talking about himself and disclosing private information to a new client about whom he knows nothing.

2. He has clients who are perpetrators, but he confides to you, without saying so in as many words, that he is interested in them only as lab rats.

3. He wisely "concludes" after only one appointment, and without a single word of discussion with your husband himself, that perhaps he suffers from confusion as to his sexual identity. This is pretty mind-boggling.

4. From what you say, he entirely misses the possibility that the abuse your husband suffered made him feel worthless and unlovable, and that if you really come to know him you will discover this worthlessness and abandon him.

5. "The therapist said ... other people can go through yrs of abuse and still be able to get through life all right without much trouble at all." Really? How does he know that? If these lucky guys just "got over it", then that means they never needed a therapist and there would be no records of their non-existent cases. This T would have no knowledge of them.

6. He tells you that your husband may have "attachment disorder", again, based on one appointment with you and not one second with your husband himself.

7. He tells you that "therapy is actually asking the person to bond with the therapist". A good therapist will in fact try to maintain clear professional boundaries between himself and the client, though of course he will work to gain the client's trust and will often sympathize with his troubles and feel for his victories.

8. After one appointment he is willing to tell you that you have "no relationship [and] ... no marriage pretty much".

9. He tells you, again, on the basis of minimal information, that you have no choice but to give your husband the ultimatum of entering therapy or facing divorce. In fact this disempowers you, since it terribly restricts your choices if your husband cannot meet the ultimatum. Either you back down, which suggests you don't mean what you say, or you leave him even though he may have good reasons why he cannot enter therapy right now. And that's only the half of it. A confused shame-ridden survivor suddenly confronted by this ultimatum might feel so worthless and traumatized that he will just plunk for divorce, thinking he doesn't deserve any better and that his wife would be better off without him anyway.

10. This T comes pretty close to a twist of the "better off without me" argument himself, and again, incredibly, without having ever spoken to your husband. He tells you that you are "too young and attractive" ... etc., etc. And say what? Women deserve happiness and good relationships only if they are young and attractive? :eek:

I can of course only judge based on what you say in your post, and maybe you misunderstood the T here and there. But still ... !!!!! I would be interested to hear what others think, but all this sounds pretty unprofessional to me. All I can say is I'm glad you only saw this guy once!

Much love,
Larry
 
Brokenhearted,

Larry brought up some good points. Give it some thought. Don't be discouraged. You can always find another therapist.

I remember going to a guy many years ago for my CSA and he immediately treated me like a perp. He never sought to understand my issues. I dropped him right away.

In his book, Beyond Betrayal, Richard Gartner wrote these words:

"Many men recover from boyhood sexual betrayal. When they do, they are stronger for it, often finding hidden gifts that make them more sensitive, resilient, and robust. Your loved one, as he recovers, may very well become someone you love even more."

I really believe this is true with all my heart. Take a look at the guys on this board and how they respond to each other. The compassion and empathy here is remarkable.

Recovery is tough but love and understanding can help so much.

Hang in there.

Sunny
 
Hi Brokenhearted,

just read your post and I agree with Larry, that T sounds a bit odd to say the least!

definately seems inappropriate for him to be discussing his own personal experiences with you and assuming conclusions about your husband without ever having met him!!?? :confused:

From my own personal experience with my T/homeopath, she has NEVER shared any of her own 'stuff' with me and I've been seeing her for a year 1/2 now.......she has never assumed anything about my bf, even though he also sees her seperately from me. What she does is this: asks me relevant questions about myself/feelings/past/present......she encourages celebration of small successes and pulls me up on negatives when necessary. I feel she spent many sessions just getting to know me/understand me and has a fairly detatched approach in general, being something different than a friend etc.

I would definately suggest seeking out a different T who can maintain strict proffessional conduct.......someone who can encourage you to come to your own conclusions in your own time based on your own feelings. Certainly for myself I have found I do need the support of a good T. I have my own issues and then also a whole load of issues gathered in relationship with bf. And it's all so confusing! Don't think I could have the focus or expertise to figure out the half of it on my own.

I really relate to you saying you need to stand up for yourself more, I'm having to do that too. It's like finding I do have a sense of actual power and not the crazy histerics I have let myself be driven to in the past! I too have kids and love my bf and want it all to work out for us. Stick with it girl and good luck to us all :)

Beccy

peace
 
Sunny, nearly forgot to say, what you wrote there I read in another post of yours a couple of days ago and it really stuck in my mind as being such a positive thought to have;

"Many men recover from boyhood sexual betrayal. When they do, they are stronger for it, often finding hidden gifts that make them more sensitive, resilient, and robust. Your loved one, as he recovers, may very well become someone you love even more."

it really is lovely to read that
:)

Beccy

peace
 
Thanks, I really value your input.

Larry, wow, you are a thinker! You know, I had some concerns too when he didn't seem to take into account all the stuff about CSA that can make a guy feel worthless, etc. He did seem to make it sound like it is almost hopeless, after only one meeting.

He has a great many yrs of experience so I thought he would be good. Maybe he has done this so long he just jumps the gun a little thinking he has the answer so soon.

I too think that quote from that book is lovely. I believe with all my heart my husband is worth it, and I know he has loveliness inside him.

I'm not giving up. IF he ever decides to leave ME, then at that point I WILL get out all my information and tell him all as a last resort. Maybe if nothing else it will make him think. Maybe he really is just projecting negative feelings toward the people who were supposed to protect him and/or the abuser, onto me. Beccy and Sunny, I really appreciate your insights on this too.

Don't worry, I'm not seeing that T again. Even though he came highly recommended by a close Christian friend who is also a counselor in his office.

Another thing that was "kind of weird" - maybe I'm nitpicking here - when I was crying, he said, "May I sit by you?" and I nodded yeah. He came and sat by me and sort of gave me a little hug. Maybe he's just a very caring person, or maybe he has no business touching me. ??

Well, anyway. I've heard of therapists abusing or taking advantage of clients. I just never thought it could be such a long-standing one who could do that. 40 yrs of experience!!

Thanks again,
Brokenhearted
 
?????? ''may i sit by you?'' Oh my goodness! :confused: very wrong me thinks! I am anticipating what some of the survivors on this site may have to say about that....this sounds like a man who is most certainly taking advantage of his position with you a, ''young attractive woman''. I am very relieved to hear you won't be seeing him again. Concerned as to what his behaviour may have been/might be now towards his other clients??? Worrying stuff indeed...anyone else here agree?

Also Brokenhearted, you say,

''He has a great many yrs of experience so I thought he would be good. Maybe he has done this so long he just jumps the gun a little thinking he has the answer so soon.''

like I said previously, I really think a good T should be there to help you find your own answers......by helping you to think about certain aspects of yourself/your life and getting you to a place where you have the emotional 'tools' to deal with all this complicated stuff. Giving you the courage/self esteme you need in order to trust in your own perceptions and feelings etc..

hope I am making some sense here..

take care, you sound like such a sweet person.

Beccy

peace
 
Brokenhearted,

You are just at the beginning of a difficult journey of understanding and discovery, and it's very important to get started with a good source of information.

My feeling that this guy isn't the one is just confirmed by the "May I sit by you?" episode. It's natural that you might get emotional during the session, but if it's bad enough that you need close support like that, then it means he wasn't keeping you safe. That is, he was allowing big emotional challenges to come up and batter you right on the first day. Responsible Ts just DON'T do that. I wouldn't want to accuse him of coming on to you, but if he wasn't then he's pretty naive on top of everything else.

I would say just draw a line under this episode, put it down to experience and look for another T.

Much love,
Larry
 
I think you're all right.

No more T for me right now. Just still have my mentor lady I see every wk or two, just an older Christian lady who has seen a few things, a great listener, a fellow researcher.

I'm doing ok and it helps me to read this website to understand why he is acting the way he is. If I didn't have that I think I would be insane by now.

Thanks, and no ,I won't go back to him.

Brokenhearted
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top