Update - been a very long time

[WontGiveUp]

Hello All - Its been quite a while since I have been on the board. I thought it might be time for an update though - situations today made me realize that I need my OWN therapy after the past 9 years...

So - I think where I left off was that my husband wanted to leave because he said that the part of him that can be with another person was dead, completely gone and broken and he had no interest in working towards healing. I let him stay here to help him get on his feet, which he did, and before he moved - I ended up meeting someone a little over 1 year from the point of him asking to stay (he wanted to stay with me 1 year so he could buy a car and have money saved up to move). I met someone who blew my mind, who treated me like I mattered and was important. We fell in love pretty quick. Being around him was like finally feeling the rain after being in the desert with no water. Like spring to the flowers and trees. When I met him - I told my husband and was upfront about everything. He was supportive - if not weirded out. I had to remind him several times that it was HIS choice to abandon our marriage and to give up. His choice to make empty promises over and over and to break his word constantly. I gave him more chances than I should have to be honest, because I wanted to support him and help him through this abuse discovery. I wanted to see him recover (still do).

We remained friends through all of this, and he finally moved out in July of last year. I still help him when he needs it.

Today - he calls me to tell me he met someone... and it was like a kick in the guts. Dont get me wrong - I have told him since this started that I hoped he would recover, and eventually find someone who would make him happy. But seriously... 6 months after he leaves he suddenly is OK now and looking to date someone? What makes it worse is it is a mutual friend's daughter - who is almost 20 years younger than him. It just makes everything he told me feel like lies. Not the abuse, I know none of that is a lie. But the reasoning behind him bailing on our marriage. It makes me seriously go back to feeling like he used me all this time to get what he wanted and needed... and that the reason he made all the empty promises, and led me on for so long was so that he could get more out of me. I am sure I am just having a gut reaction and probably will be over it tomorrow - but today I am just really angry.

YEARS I worked to help him, years of therapy... and suddenly a couple of months with the same therapist (who basically told him that unless he did the work there was nothing he could do to help him) and now he is open to trying and wants to date? I am sure that other partners and spouses can understand how hurtful this is. I do wish him well - but I think I cannot be around him like I was.

And its not that I am not happy - I have never been happier! The man I am with now is my match in every way. But the baggage I carry because of what my husband did causes problems DAILY for me. I am looking into getting PTSD therapy and anger management therapy because I find myself unable to trust or believe my new partner when he says he loves me and will be there for me. All because I believe my husband when he didnt. Know what I mean?

Anyhow - thats my update. I am very happy now, and I really hope everyone here is doing well. I am sorry I have not posted in so long, its one of those things where I just got caught up in life.

 

[KMCINVA]

WontGiveUp

I am glad you are happy--everyone in life deserves to be happy. I am sorry all you have been through. A survivor, and I will speak for myself only, struggles on many fronts as to who they are, are they worthy, are they damaged, can they have a meaningful relationship, can anyone love them. You stood by and gave him strength and it is possible you zapped yourself of the strength you needed to protect yourself.

It may be selfish, but he knew somewhere within himself that he could not be happy nor could he make you happy. When one does not love themselves it is difficult to love anyone else. His promises may not have been empty when made but he could not find happiness nor himself to make them work. It is a reflection of his struggles and not you. You gave of yourself. You may have saved himself from himself. I truly wish I had someone years ago to save me from myself, I have blessed and today I have found a woman who gave me hope, vision of a future and love of myself. I lost family along the way but found family, but I now realize it is their loss and one day they will have to reflect on the leaving, the abandonment, the spit, the grease, and so much more and hold themselves accountable for what they lost because they could only take and not give. I have not felt this strong or to believe in myself until this past weekend when love surrounded me of all ages. I feel that in your words you are strong and know what you deserve.You were a true supporter and hero. You will never have to reflect on not giving because you gave of yourself, you gave but he could not accept. If he truly has found a way to heal, it was you who helped him find his way. Sometimes change is needed to heal. You suffered along the way--and survivors many times are trying to cope and hurt themselves and those around become collateral damage. Sometimes, but it is not your situation, those around cause further damage to the survivor by their behavior. You stood by and it still seems you are there for him.

I believe you need to focus on yourself and your happiness. It is your time and hopefully your ex is finding his way and will find the happiness he deserves.

Kevin

 

[Chris4TheMill]

WontGiveUp,

You have my sympathy here. While I agree with just about everything Kevin said, I had a few other thoughts.

First, I would be really angry too if a spouse wanted to leave and told me "the part of [me] that can be with another person [is] dead", and then shortly thereafter they are suddenly in a new relationship (!). It just sounds flaky at best, b.s. at worst. I had a similar-but-different situation once and it also felt like a kick in the gut. (But in hindsight, I am glad I did not end up together with this woman).

I would also add however that if it is true that this guy "[has] no interest in working towards healing" and has not really worked on his issues, his new relationship is not likely to end well either. And there will likely be problems along the way.

I also agree with your thinking that you might want to consider pulling back from the relationship with your ex-husband, for your own sanity. I wish you well.

- Chris

 

[chairdesklamp]

I second what Chris said. Whatever's going on with your ex, it doesn't sound like anything's good for you here--as "selfish" as that line of thinking may feel, all interpersonal relationships should be mutually beneficial. Even boss/employee--you mop the floors, he pays you. All relationships. And it doesn't sound like this one is. I definitely second distancing yourself.

 

[HealingHope]

Hi WGU
It’s good to see you and to know you’ve found the happiness you deserve. It sounds like your husband is still wrestling with his journey, and I can see why you’re so hurt. I saw how hard you tried to be there for him with all you shared here with us. As always we have to find the path that’s right for us, and I think you also deserve some healing time, so I wish you well with your own therapy and future with the love you’ve found. Blessings HH