Update and ways I found to cope!
Back in June I first posted to what I thought was the “end of my life”. I was searching for help and defiantly found it here. I was comforted by those that faced the same problems as well as the knowledge that they overcame. I struggled to write this follow-up because I didn't want to seem ungrateful but there are some issues and ways I adapted I'd like to share. My story is long, to those who don't know it, read the beginning; the ending is a shocker!!
Everyone is entitled to his or her own ending; we have a choice to be happy or sad. I couldn't find a middle ground without loosing myself. I couldn't find forgiveness to my husband's deception because I couldn't forgive myself for not seeing the writing on the wall. I struggled; man did I experience pain. I however found a light, I hope others will too. I will not be punished for his life. It is my life too, I put myself first in some places and I found peace finally. We all have moral characters, some things aren't forgivable just acceptable. I realized that if I accepted I found no peace, If I forgave I was complete. I had to accept my husband as he was, I had to forgive the things I didn't understand but most of all I needed to know the chances of this happening again was slim to none! I was not going to be frightened of the past! I was going to help him find his peace so I could find mine. I think the beauty of this story is simple; find your peace and others will follow!
I had to fix me before I could accept him. He had to fix himself before I could believe in him again! I had to realize my standards and the way I think life was suppose to be isn't always gonna be so. I am not living a fairytale, Lord knows we have struggles but what we take and learn from those is most important. He had to understand his actions had consequences, even if he saw them as ways to make his SA understood, as his wife I was more important than the understanding. He could have lost it all and made them win, he could have let the past control his future. Instead I am proud to say, he faced the demons and exercised his freedom!
My story was so unreal to me. Even writing the first post I couldn't believe this was happening to me. A call one night sent my world into a tailspin. If I was just open minded, seeing my husband for the man I knew and loved, I would have known the truth but instead I was “tested” and then he released the burden! We were on a military separation, life was hard I was raising our 1-year-old alone and that was all I remembered. I did get to see him much but the separation was never enough to cause me to stray. The call that night was from a woman during that time frame. She asked for my husband and then my world fell apart. I remember that night him screaming, “It isn't like you think I never planned it, I wasn't attracted to her!” I kept badgering until the fuse was blown and in return after backing him in a corner I received the biggest bunch of bullshit you could ever hear.
In the mist of the lies, there was always a deep hatred as he spoke towards this woman. I have a great memory so I noticed the lies were never the same. I pushed, I pulled and I humiliated trying to piss him off enough to leave, tell the truth or admit my faults. I couldn't accept you just went out drinking after 9 years together with never an argument and found a quick fuck! I was on a mission for the truth. I found SA by his brother, abandonment by his mother, a sister with multiple petifiers, an uncle who sexually abused 6 of his cousins and worst was my husband backed in a corner like a 6-year-old hiding behind the humiliation.
I learned to think on my own, ignore what “mostly happens” to listen to my heart. My husband is unlike anyone reading, we are all from different backgrounds and our lives although similar we experience and handle them differently. I found myself reading some posts and then sitting back analyzing “what if he does that” or “what if he did that”. . Something more to drive me nuts. I had to sit back awhile, analyze my situation for what I knew it to be. I think PAS or SAR said once that communication through a computer is great but you only receive some of the perception that the writer is trying to display. I have to tell you I took it all literal. I was searching so hard for answers I forgot what was right in front of my eyes!
I read, I cried, I lurked around here so much my mind was constantly racing for some type of magic word of release! I didn't find it here, I found something valuable; friendship, understanding, similarities but not what my heart wanted most. . I forgot this was a site for support, not to take all stories and apply them to “what if's” but when your heart is lost you can't help it.
I understood not to push but I have to say, “I did”. I figured okay, it pushes the survivor away, we were already there so what the hell. I thought things out and discovered that my fear was the future. My pain was the past. If I could understand the past, forgive the present and still have dreams for the future I could still live with him. We didn't fight I just asked questions along with adequate time for answers. I didn't and do not push for the childhood experiences; those come once in a while. I push for understanding of why as an adult he allowed his childhood experiences to almost ruin our life. I wanted understanding for the things WE were dealing with, I have nothing to do with the childhood pain, just support is all I offer there!
We found many things. The most profound was one night after 4 years of thinking he “screwed” the woman who called; HE DIDN'T DO IT! Crazy story as I said go back in June and read the whole post. Most importantly understand that he never remembered the moment, he always remembered the feelings of her hands. He thought screwing her was the only way to make her stop, same as a child the feelings of not being in control and having to give yourself to make it “go away”. He always said he saw her 4 times after that because he wanted her to bring it up, mention it. . Because she didn't he saw her as the same fuckers who kept it a secret as children cause it was “acceptable” and to be “forgotten”. But as an adult, why not bring it up, unless it didn't happen!
After watching the “Passion of Christ” I asked him if he thought God forgave him for the Adultery. Because he was an adult and the age of accountability was there, no matter what the mind frame would God consider it a sin? He and I discussed such things as; was he a virgin when he first had sex even though he was molested years before? Of course the answer was yes, he was a virgin. So having sex as an adult when it was forced would then be rape and not “adultery” even though the force was physiological and not physical. I'm saying, he chose that outcome to make the assault stop.
Anyways he said, “you know I don't even know if I did it, I can't remember it.” I lost my jaw, I thought what do you mean after 4 months of hell me thinking you did and 4 years you thinking it? What he meant was that he accepted it as being the outcome because in his head it was only 2 min. of hell, something he found forced.
No pressure from me he decided to recover some memories. Because he remembered the feelings of needing to make it stop, feeling like that was the only way. . He accepted that was what happened. He remembered being drunk, passed out and her hands but the visions and memories of his childhood played like a record in his mind. He was drunk but remembers fully the feelings her hand gave him. He remembered saying he didn't have a condom and that being in his mind as a way to make her stop. He remembered one being placed in his hand then the anger he remembered after jumping to his knees and then walking to the couch. He always assumed he mounted her briefly from behind but the memories tell otherwise. He didn't research it then, he repressed it, why remember his “fuck up” and her getting her way, he just accepted it instead!
He researched long enough to remember throwing the condom to the floor as he walked out the room. Once on the couch he remembered being mad at her for touching him. Not the obvious sadness that he would have felt for letting her get her way, just pissed she touched him. He now believes also that the second time was a dream, or a feeling that resembled the first time she got him drunk and thus his mind led him to believe it happened again.
In other words, he didn't screw her. Makes so much since now cause I never fully understood why a woman would let a man have 2 min. of sex with her and then leave and later call. But if she thought he was to drunk, or he was a nice guy and never laid hands on her why not call. After all she felt him up long enough to think in her mind he wanted her. . She had to have given herself an excuse. The phone call 4 years later is explainable now too. Why not if you see a guy 4 times, he sleeps in your bed never touching you, always nice and polite wouldn't you peruse him again? She never said they had sex either, my husband told me because he thought he did.
Anyways my story is long, I appreciate you all for reading and mostly I hope you get the point. Reach deep inside and know what you hear or what others may say isn't always the answer to your life. For instance, if the first 5 years is great, if the last 5 is great, why not the next 50?
There are some issues that I hate, but I accept. Why get drunk again with her? Liquid courage. Why end up in her bed the first time? Stupid, drunk, tricked, no way home and knowing your intentions. Searching for knowledge and seeing her 4 times more? To find understanding, finding reasons and ways to accept your fault. We all have fault, but in all things there is reason. We give ourselves excuses for every action; we don't get a drink of soda without thirst. There is reason; my reason for writing is so others may find theirs!
By the way my husband broke all silence, his whole family now knows the story behind why he doesn't talk to his mother or the brother who took his childhood. We requested his file from child services too so he can face the things that happened in foster care as well. I am very proud. He has no more demons, they are all free. no more pretending he is himself now. I wish you all great lives and hope peace finds its way to you!
Everyone is entitled to his or her own ending; we have a choice to be happy or sad. I couldn't find a middle ground without loosing myself. I couldn't find forgiveness to my husband's deception because I couldn't forgive myself for not seeing the writing on the wall. I struggled; man did I experience pain. I however found a light, I hope others will too. I will not be punished for his life. It is my life too, I put myself first in some places and I found peace finally. We all have moral characters, some things aren't forgivable just acceptable. I realized that if I accepted I found no peace, If I forgave I was complete. I had to accept my husband as he was, I had to forgive the things I didn't understand but most of all I needed to know the chances of this happening again was slim to none! I was not going to be frightened of the past! I was going to help him find his peace so I could find mine. I think the beauty of this story is simple; find your peace and others will follow!
I had to fix me before I could accept him. He had to fix himself before I could believe in him again! I had to realize my standards and the way I think life was suppose to be isn't always gonna be so. I am not living a fairytale, Lord knows we have struggles but what we take and learn from those is most important. He had to understand his actions had consequences, even if he saw them as ways to make his SA understood, as his wife I was more important than the understanding. He could have lost it all and made them win, he could have let the past control his future. Instead I am proud to say, he faced the demons and exercised his freedom!
My story was so unreal to me. Even writing the first post I couldn't believe this was happening to me. A call one night sent my world into a tailspin. If I was just open minded, seeing my husband for the man I knew and loved, I would have known the truth but instead I was “tested” and then he released the burden! We were on a military separation, life was hard I was raising our 1-year-old alone and that was all I remembered. I did get to see him much but the separation was never enough to cause me to stray. The call that night was from a woman during that time frame. She asked for my husband and then my world fell apart. I remember that night him screaming, “It isn't like you think I never planned it, I wasn't attracted to her!” I kept badgering until the fuse was blown and in return after backing him in a corner I received the biggest bunch of bullshit you could ever hear.
In the mist of the lies, there was always a deep hatred as he spoke towards this woman. I have a great memory so I noticed the lies were never the same. I pushed, I pulled and I humiliated trying to piss him off enough to leave, tell the truth or admit my faults. I couldn't accept you just went out drinking after 9 years together with never an argument and found a quick fuck! I was on a mission for the truth. I found SA by his brother, abandonment by his mother, a sister with multiple petifiers, an uncle who sexually abused 6 of his cousins and worst was my husband backed in a corner like a 6-year-old hiding behind the humiliation.
I learned to think on my own, ignore what “mostly happens” to listen to my heart. My husband is unlike anyone reading, we are all from different backgrounds and our lives although similar we experience and handle them differently. I found myself reading some posts and then sitting back analyzing “what if he does that” or “what if he did that”. . Something more to drive me nuts. I had to sit back awhile, analyze my situation for what I knew it to be. I think PAS or SAR said once that communication through a computer is great but you only receive some of the perception that the writer is trying to display. I have to tell you I took it all literal. I was searching so hard for answers I forgot what was right in front of my eyes!
I read, I cried, I lurked around here so much my mind was constantly racing for some type of magic word of release! I didn't find it here, I found something valuable; friendship, understanding, similarities but not what my heart wanted most. . I forgot this was a site for support, not to take all stories and apply them to “what if's” but when your heart is lost you can't help it.
I understood not to push but I have to say, “I did”. I figured okay, it pushes the survivor away, we were already there so what the hell. I thought things out and discovered that my fear was the future. My pain was the past. If I could understand the past, forgive the present and still have dreams for the future I could still live with him. We didn't fight I just asked questions along with adequate time for answers. I didn't and do not push for the childhood experiences; those come once in a while. I push for understanding of why as an adult he allowed his childhood experiences to almost ruin our life. I wanted understanding for the things WE were dealing with, I have nothing to do with the childhood pain, just support is all I offer there!
We found many things. The most profound was one night after 4 years of thinking he “screwed” the woman who called; HE DIDN'T DO IT! Crazy story as I said go back in June and read the whole post. Most importantly understand that he never remembered the moment, he always remembered the feelings of her hands. He thought screwing her was the only way to make her stop, same as a child the feelings of not being in control and having to give yourself to make it “go away”. He always said he saw her 4 times after that because he wanted her to bring it up, mention it. . Because she didn't he saw her as the same fuckers who kept it a secret as children cause it was “acceptable” and to be “forgotten”. But as an adult, why not bring it up, unless it didn't happen!
After watching the “Passion of Christ” I asked him if he thought God forgave him for the Adultery. Because he was an adult and the age of accountability was there, no matter what the mind frame would God consider it a sin? He and I discussed such things as; was he a virgin when he first had sex even though he was molested years before? Of course the answer was yes, he was a virgin. So having sex as an adult when it was forced would then be rape and not “adultery” even though the force was physiological and not physical. I'm saying, he chose that outcome to make the assault stop.
Anyways he said, “you know I don't even know if I did it, I can't remember it.” I lost my jaw, I thought what do you mean after 4 months of hell me thinking you did and 4 years you thinking it? What he meant was that he accepted it as being the outcome because in his head it was only 2 min. of hell, something he found forced.
No pressure from me he decided to recover some memories. Because he remembered the feelings of needing to make it stop, feeling like that was the only way. . He accepted that was what happened. He remembered being drunk, passed out and her hands but the visions and memories of his childhood played like a record in his mind. He was drunk but remembers fully the feelings her hand gave him. He remembered saying he didn't have a condom and that being in his mind as a way to make her stop. He remembered one being placed in his hand then the anger he remembered after jumping to his knees and then walking to the couch. He always assumed he mounted her briefly from behind but the memories tell otherwise. He didn't research it then, he repressed it, why remember his “fuck up” and her getting her way, he just accepted it instead!
He researched long enough to remember throwing the condom to the floor as he walked out the room. Once on the couch he remembered being mad at her for touching him. Not the obvious sadness that he would have felt for letting her get her way, just pissed she touched him. He now believes also that the second time was a dream, or a feeling that resembled the first time she got him drunk and thus his mind led him to believe it happened again.
In other words, he didn't screw her. Makes so much since now cause I never fully understood why a woman would let a man have 2 min. of sex with her and then leave and later call. But if she thought he was to drunk, or he was a nice guy and never laid hands on her why not call. After all she felt him up long enough to think in her mind he wanted her. . She had to have given herself an excuse. The phone call 4 years later is explainable now too. Why not if you see a guy 4 times, he sleeps in your bed never touching you, always nice and polite wouldn't you peruse him again? She never said they had sex either, my husband told me because he thought he did.
Anyways my story is long, I appreciate you all for reading and mostly I hope you get the point. Reach deep inside and know what you hear or what others may say isn't always the answer to your life. For instance, if the first 5 years is great, if the last 5 is great, why not the next 50?
There are some issues that I hate, but I accept. Why get drunk again with her? Liquid courage. Why end up in her bed the first time? Stupid, drunk, tricked, no way home and knowing your intentions. Searching for knowledge and seeing her 4 times more? To find understanding, finding reasons and ways to accept your fault. We all have fault, but in all things there is reason. We give ourselves excuses for every action; we don't get a drink of soda without thirst. There is reason; my reason for writing is so others may find theirs!
By the way my husband broke all silence, his whole family now knows the story behind why he doesn't talk to his mother or the brother who took his childhood. We requested his file from child services too so he can face the things that happened in foster care as well. I am very proud. He has no more demons, they are all free. no more pretending he is himself now. I wish you all great lives and hope peace finds its way to you!
