Update after 2months

Update after 2months
G

ginny1210

Registrant
It has been about 2 months since i visited this website. my husband is a survivor. we recently split up; he was going to therapy but stopped after five sessions. He has been on effexor for close to two months now. On 8/1/06 he moved back in and things were going as well as can be expected. He finally agreed to go to counseling with me. Our first session was this last thursday...and the s**t hit the fan again!! He told me he us unhappy..he is a bad person; he is ugly..and that he does not love me...and that i deserve better...so here i am again in the same palce i was 4/26/06

he is moving out again
 
ginny,

This is a real roller coaster for you. I'm sorry.

How do you feel about all of this? Please correct me if I am wrong, but it sounds like he's the one calling all the shots about moving in and out.

Is he continuing to take meds without any professional supervision?

Change is difficult; facing up to the ways that you've hurt someone you love is difficult. It's not surprising that your first joint therapy would trigger him or make him feel like bailing out-- but he needs to understand that his inability to stick by you is hurting you again-- as you say, it is putting you back in time.

I am sorry again.

SAR
 
i'm sorry ginny for what you're going through. it sounds like the first session went as you might have expected...he admits he is not happy. he's there to work on that. maybe moving out is good for b oth of you to get perspective on the issues. and to work on yourselves. and who knows where you will land after all the work and therapy begins to impact you.

if it works, you will both be better people. and hopefully better people who can be together happily again. it wont happn overnight. it's a rough ride. i wish you the best:)
 
sar,

i feel like i am dealing with this better this time. i am really ok with him moving out because he has not dealt with the s/a.

Yes you are right, he is calling all the shots. This time I am gonna call the shots.

He is taking his medication under the supervision of his MD not he therapist.

He does realize he is hurting me all over again.

He last statement to me was that he is going to go to individual counseling; but that we needed to be apart.

i am emotionally and physically drained.
 
cupcake,

i truly believe what your saying. i have been going to individual therapy for 2 months on my own. and it has helped me tremendously.

i guess the hardest thing for me is that i see how much he is hurting and i can't help him or fix him.

i hope he sticks to his individual therapy sessions.

believe me!!! i know it is gonna be a rough ride..
 
Ginny,

I am so sorry to hear you are having all this trouble. Our partners deserve so much better.

Have you thought at all about setting some boundaries to shield yourself from some of the harm? As SAR points out, right now it looks like he is doing pretty much what he wants - walk in, walk out, etc. I can tell you that I personally have benefitted a LOT from my wife's ability to set boundaries. It really did help me to see how bad things were getting, at a time when, had she not take the initiative, I think I would have been entirely unable to see these things for myself.

I would like to point out one thing in particular that I noticed in your post:

He told me he us unhappy..he is a bad person; he is ugly..and that he does not love me...and that i deserve better...
Click to expand...
Note how the devastating declaration that he doesn't love you is nested in among a series of judgments against himself. My guess here is that the idea grinding away in his head runs something like this: He is so unhappy, bad, ugly and undeserving that pretty soon you will get fed up and leave, because, after all, you "deserve better"; rather than face that catastrophe he will pull the plug himself, and at least that way he will feel he is in control and master of his own destiny.

And ugly? What a mess that one is. An abused boy is often told by the abuser - as he is being raped - that he is "beautiful", "lovely", "wonderful", and so on. Not only does the boy figure that he is the cause of his own abuse, he also comes to link being handsome or otherwise physically attractive with devastating harm. He will try to imagine himself as ugly as possible, but then eventually this will come back to haunt him. After all, who REALLY wants to be seen as ugly? So for a survivor this issue of personal appearance can be an extremely traumatic and vicious circle.

Much love,
Larry
 
Larry,

I have set boundaries this time. I told him that i would not be communicating with him at all, due to the fact that it is hard on both of us. Last time we split up I really was blind to something really important! I allowed him to come over and have "sex" with me. after all we were married and we both had needs. After reading posts on this website and reading "victims no longer" i have learned that was not healthy for either one of us. i am now aware that he acts out by having sexual relations with other women; and that all it is is an ACT for him. When I told him I would no longer allow him to come over to the house to have sex he became angry! I know this is the best for me.
 
Ginny,

Good for you! There's clearly a lot of things he needs to learn, and right there near the top of the list is the fact that your role as his wife does NOT include sitting around the house waiting to drop everything and service his sexual needs whenever he decides to show up. That's an outrageous expectation from any viewpoint, and utterly disrespectful, devalidating and victimizing from yours.

And as I said, I think it's vital that he know there are certain ground rules now. That will provide him with a framework of acceptable conduct that right now he perhaps cannot supply himself. And when a survivor is utterly adrift himself, what he needs as an example is someone who is talking care of herself and her own needs, not one who is also lost and adrift.

Much love,
Larry
 
Ginny,

i really feel for those of you who are already married when your partner's demons rear their ugly head and disrupts both your lives; i honestly don't know how you manage but you demonstrate tremendous courage for trying so hard.

whatever you do, just do try and be good to yourself, do whatever it takes to reinforce your own self-esteem because obviously validation isn't going to come from your partner right now.

as long as you are apart, hopefully it will be a time for healing for both of you.

i wish you all the best; you aren't alone, please do visit this website more - it's been a tremendous help for me, that's for sure, and others have said similar things.

all the best,
indy
 
Hi Ginny,

My csa hus. and I have been married over a decade - anniversary is tomorrow but not such a happy one. Ever since Father's Day he has avoided me physically, can't hug, etc., feels undeserving of me, etc., etc....they all say the same stuff.

I have no idea if he's acting out w/ anyone else but would probably die if he were. We have a young child (the joy of our life) and I want us to continue being a family. He has not had therapy yet.
 
post moved because it responds to another post that has been moved
 
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