Up 'n' down; is there any hope?

Up 'n' down; is there any hope?
O

Oz

Registrant
Hi guys,
Well today was my official last day of school. OMG!!!! I cxan't believe I made it! YIPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
What I've noticed as I've spent the afetrnoon drinking (It's amazing how alcohol acts as a truth serum) is a lot of things.
I've sort of come to terms with that choosing to abuse once being abused is entirely your own deicison. It's not just something that will happen, depsite me thinking it will. I believe in the 'vampire story' very much. It feels like I have this sort of virus in me and it is constantly growing in me until the point where I'm not in control of my actions and I just act like a pedophile. ARRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!! That's my worst fear, turning out like those stupid fucks (soz 'bout the language). But now it is like tonnes of wires have been crossed and I think any interest in sex is interpeted as pedophilia, inculiding the relationship I'm in right now, despite my girlriend being 18 months older than me. This is pure hell, I don't want to be a child molesterer, but at the minute I can't convince myself I won't be and find the happy medium. I've well and truly built a hedge around the law because I consider looking at kids as pedophilia, so it gets pretty hard.
Deep down I know that there's no way I could do that to a child but I don't know what is happening on the outside. I'm so confused and everything is just tough. I have this really weird sexual discomfort whenever kids are mentioned or kids are around and I'm just so sick of it, I want to be able to trust myself and my actions whenever I'm around children but I just don't.
I well and truly know the driffewrence between rright and wrong and pedophilia = WRONG!!!! They deserve to have a bullet lodged into their heads, but a part of me thinks that I can't think of them too badly when I'm just as disgusting as they are.
Oh shit, why do I think this way, it's spoiling what is meant to be the greatest day of my life.
Well I'm going out now. I'd just like to say thanks to the people here because I thought you'd all think I'd be a freak and deserved to be shot because of my fear of becoming an offender so I'm glad that u haven't been judgemental.
Cheers,
Peter

P.S My counsellor mentioned something ineteresting to me the other week. My obsession with morbid things doesn't so much come from my own wondering of whether or not I would actually act on them, but wondering why people do bad things. It's just something thats made me think a lot. HAVE FUN!!!
 
Peter happy graduation. Hope the hangover was worth it.

Peter you remember what happened to you and the pain and shit you have gone through because of it. You have done all the right things. You told, you are getting counselling and you are with us. Your rage at perps is justified.

Fear of becoming a pedophile!!! I do not think you have to worry about that. Let me ask you to ask yourself..COULD I POSSIBLY INFLICT THAT HORROR ON SOMEONE ELSE, KNOWING WHAT IT DID TO ME.

Stice with us.
 
I think I had the WORST NIGHT on record, but anyways. No, I could never inflict the same damage onto a child as I experienced. It is just plain WRONG and just so gut wrenching!!! That's why I get confused. I know that it is wrong, 100%, but my mind still has this abhorent obsession with it that I cant get rid of no matter how hard I try.
 
Remember, much of what you talk about is from the "tapes" that repeat in your mind. False thaughts and justifications which were placed there by your perp. Yes, perps mind's are split in the same ways and by the same things that many minds here are. A perp projects upon you their own confusion, false logic, and unfortunately in the case of some people, their justifications. The Ups and downs and opposing thaughts that go through your mind are the result of polar opposites fighting against each other. It directly results from the ways in which your perp manipulated your feelings and justified doing it. You KNOW the difference between what is right and what is wrong, even if you don't FEEL it. What you are going through is what is truly known as a Freudian conflict. Being aware of the fact that you cannot always trust your feelings helps to keep you from repeating what your perp did. Being able to justify those thaughts through false logic is the result of what was literally brainwashing that your perp did to you. You need to use REAL logic to overcome the feelings which your perp manipulated, but be careful to avoid FALSE logic and getting stuck in it because of "tapes" repeating while you are doing it. If things get to be overwhelming and confusing, that is what T's and good friends are for. Take a step back, talk about things with someone who you trust that understands all of this, and get yourself back on track with a happy balance somewhere in the middle of it all. Make sure that you avoid the extremes. Teach yourself to recognize when you are heading toward an extreme, and do something about it before it happens. Creating power over someone through the manipulation of feelings resulting in creating confusion and conflict is the tool of the perp. It is one of the main reasons that we are all here. It is the main reason that so many of them roam freely within our societies. Like you said, there are lines drawn which must never be crossed by anyone. There are no valid excuses or justifications for crossing them. If you think about it, you will find that the confusions are ALWAYS context related. They have to do with where you place yourself. What you feel and what you want -vs- what is acceptable or how things would make others feel; plus similar context related thaughts.


PS. Congrats on your wonderful accomplishment. Be extremely proud of yourself and enjoy it.
 
Peter,

Congrats on finishing school, this level anyways. Still more ahead and all of life is a school. (I'm working on my Ph.D. from the school of Hard Knocks ;) )


That HAVE FUN part is important. Very important. There is a lot to that saying "Stop and smell the roses (daisies, coffee)."

There is always hope when you don't lose sight of what you want and you don't quit trying to achieve it. There will be good nights and there will be bad nights. As you learn what's what in your mind, what they mean, what you want, what you don't want, how to get what you want, and how to avoid what you don't. The bads won't be as bad. And if you remember that HAVE FUN part, you can have more good ones.

Fear (a little of it anyways) is a natural thing and a good thing. As long as it is a rational fear, it keeps us out of danger. It was my fear of becoming an alcoholic that kept me from drinking. A very real possiblity. I am a better person for that fear.

Take care,
Bill
 
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