Up and down, around the merry go round
fusionoflove
Registrant
I'd been beating up myself lately. Negative images passed through my head and I was starting to let them get the best of me. They were reinforcing the negative image of myself given to me by my attacker. Thank God my therapist met with me today. I really needed it.
At the end of the session, my cell phone rang. I never bring it in with me. It was my friend from back home. As he started to speak I told him I call him back. I turned to my therapist and said, "One of my friends is dead, I know it." I immediately called my friend back and he told me exactly what I already knew. I broke down and cried for 30 minutes. Damn, my therapist was cool about it. I asked her, why am I here? My friend always followed the gameplan. Treated people kindly, never got into fights, had a good job and was recently engaged. Look at me, everything in my life was total sh*t this past year. I was raped, f**king raped, by a man, pushed away the woman I've ever loved, lost a brother to a mental illness and they now have him on 24 hour suicide watch, my Mom was almost beaten to death(for Christ sake she looked like Frankenstein when I saw her), had all my friends moved away from LA, and I tried to drink and drug myself to death. Who was I? I was the one who deserved to die. My life was the life that had no meaning, his did. I was the piece of meat that didn't matter in this equation called life.
Christ, it's been so hard to write this. I can't stop crying. One of my best friends is dead man. Neither myself nor my family could afford a ticket for me to go back home for his funeral. Even in death people got a goddamn price tag on them. On June 2, is the 10 year anniversary of my father's death. I was 15 when he died.
I told the therapist that I felt so selfish. I was trying to push his death from my mind, but I couldn't stop crying. Before I left, she asked me, "please promise that you won't harm yourself." I told her not to worry.
On the drive home I was numb, but my friend's memory and free-flowing energy continued to transverse throughout my entire body. Even when I got home I couldn't shake it. I didn't realize it then, but as more and more of this night rolls on it continues to fill me up. He is speaking even in death. "You're alive man, no matter what happened to you it was out of control. It's alright my friend, look at all the positive things you did before the attack. Man, you do have your life together, sometimes there's just detours. You were one of the most upbeat and open people I've ever met. Relax, let love and compassion take away that image that you've got of yourself. Replace it with your own beautiful soul that you always let shine. You were always there for me when I was down. Now that you're down let me be there for you. Let me take away your pain and suffering. If I had to die then let the past year of your life die with me as well. Don't let me die in vain, man. The old Chris wouldn't have done so don't do it now. There's no need to live like this, your alive. I can carry the weight with you, bro. It's alright. I've got wings were I once had arms."
And that's why, my friends I'll never take my own life. Our lives aren't crap. We're positive people, that's why we get down on ourselves. We don't want to live like that. Don't reinforce the negative image, don't feed it and let it grow so that it consumes you, starve it, don't let it drain your soul power. Let it die, just like we died in a way during our SA, let it die back there as well. Reinforce the positive, let that live. It's a ciruit man, our bodies, the cosmos, everything around us. You reap what you sow after the attack. That's what the attacker can never get to. They want to control our sexuality, thoughts, feelings, emotions. Don't fight it with hate, fight it with love. Sorry I've rambled, but I had to get this out. I know it will help someone.
My friend is dead and I'm alive. So let us scream it at the top of our lungs. Let your soul shine through.
At the end of the session, my cell phone rang. I never bring it in with me. It was my friend from back home. As he started to speak I told him I call him back. I turned to my therapist and said, "One of my friends is dead, I know it." I immediately called my friend back and he told me exactly what I already knew. I broke down and cried for 30 minutes. Damn, my therapist was cool about it. I asked her, why am I here? My friend always followed the gameplan. Treated people kindly, never got into fights, had a good job and was recently engaged. Look at me, everything in my life was total sh*t this past year. I was raped, f**king raped, by a man, pushed away the woman I've ever loved, lost a brother to a mental illness and they now have him on 24 hour suicide watch, my Mom was almost beaten to death(for Christ sake she looked like Frankenstein when I saw her), had all my friends moved away from LA, and I tried to drink and drug myself to death. Who was I? I was the one who deserved to die. My life was the life that had no meaning, his did. I was the piece of meat that didn't matter in this equation called life.
Christ, it's been so hard to write this. I can't stop crying. One of my best friends is dead man. Neither myself nor my family could afford a ticket for me to go back home for his funeral. Even in death people got a goddamn price tag on them. On June 2, is the 10 year anniversary of my father's death. I was 15 when he died.
I told the therapist that I felt so selfish. I was trying to push his death from my mind, but I couldn't stop crying. Before I left, she asked me, "please promise that you won't harm yourself." I told her not to worry.
On the drive home I was numb, but my friend's memory and free-flowing energy continued to transverse throughout my entire body. Even when I got home I couldn't shake it. I didn't realize it then, but as more and more of this night rolls on it continues to fill me up. He is speaking even in death. "You're alive man, no matter what happened to you it was out of control. It's alright my friend, look at all the positive things you did before the attack. Man, you do have your life together, sometimes there's just detours. You were one of the most upbeat and open people I've ever met. Relax, let love and compassion take away that image that you've got of yourself. Replace it with your own beautiful soul that you always let shine. You were always there for me when I was down. Now that you're down let me be there for you. Let me take away your pain and suffering. If I had to die then let the past year of your life die with me as well. Don't let me die in vain, man. The old Chris wouldn't have done so don't do it now. There's no need to live like this, your alive. I can carry the weight with you, bro. It's alright. I've got wings were I once had arms."
And that's why, my friends I'll never take my own life. Our lives aren't crap. We're positive people, that's why we get down on ourselves. We don't want to live like that. Don't reinforce the negative image, don't feed it and let it grow so that it consumes you, starve it, don't let it drain your soul power. Let it die, just like we died in a way during our SA, let it die back there as well. Reinforce the positive, let that live. It's a ciruit man, our bodies, the cosmos, everything around us. You reap what you sow after the attack. That's what the attacker can never get to. They want to control our sexuality, thoughts, feelings, emotions. Don't fight it with hate, fight it with love. Sorry I've rambled, but I had to get this out. I know it will help someone.
My friend is dead and I'm alive. So let us scream it at the top of our lungs. Let your soul shine through.
