Unsympathetic Families

Unsympathetic Families
D

david(UK)

Registrant
A couple of years after starting therapy for childhood sexual abuse, and a year after talking with friends, I finally spoke with my family. The abuse was at a boarding school between the ages of 8 and 12 by a teacher who was also a vicar.

My father, who doesn't do emotions, was unable to differentiate between homosexuality and paedophilia.

My brother said it was all a long time ago and why didn't I just forget about it.

When I first raised the subject with my mum, one of the world's most self-absorbed people, her response was (a) had my brother, her favoured son, also been abused - no - and (b) that she hardly knew the vicar. Actually, part of the grooming process was that they had become friends. During the same conversation she told me what a priviledged upbringing I had had, and how fortunate I was! The conversation was pushed to her favourite subject - her - and she suggested it was not discussed when we next met.

I have been very careful NOT to blame my parents for the decisions they made that led to my being abused. It upsets me that they refuse to deal straightforwardly with the horror of the situation. I find I get more sympathy for strangers. How do others deal with this sort of situation?
 
my family blamed me for everything,how do you deal with it ? you dont ,them being the way they are just adds to the feeling of being abused,of not belonging ,of being alone .
 
Hey David, my father is the same way. Doesn't know the difference, doesn't care to know the difference and basically blames me for everything that happened. My mother is the queen of denial so... Only way I've dealt with it so far is drinking and talking.

Talking works...
Drinking obviously doesn't.

So I don't have any answer but I do know how you feel.

Jay
 
David, I don't know why you're being so cautious about not blaming your parents at all. I want you to consider this question ok?

Did your parents EVER sit you down when you were younger and ask you "What if" questions? Like, "What if your babysitter asked you to take a bath with him, what would you do?" Or, "What if your teacher touched you down here, what would you say or do?"

This isn't pick on David's parents day, but I want you to consider that maybe they DO have some blame to share with your abuse. Becuase if they didn't have any of these kinds of conversations with you, I would submit to you that they were being negligent.

Is this something that you ever considered?
 
David,

I am so sorry your disclosure to your family was such a bust. What SHOULD have happened? You should have been gathered up and hugged and told it wasn't your fault, and what can we do to help?

Unfortunately the world is full of parents who are either 1) clueless, 2) self-absorbed, 3) uncaring, 4) unfit as parents, 5) engrossed in public appearances, or 6) some combination of these. You really got a triple whammy: Dad is engrossed in his homophobia, brother hasn't any idea, and Mum is into herself and her other son.

But all this doesn't change the fact that you did the right thing - you are talking about it. I hope you will do more of that here. Talking about things is a way of rejecting blame and shame, claiming our right to healing, and pulling our issues out of the dark silence into the light of day where we can see them and resolve them.

You ask how to deal with the rejection you got from your family. There is no denying the pain, that's for sure. I'm not sure there's much mileage in blaming your family. It might temporarily feel good to rage about them and get some kind of private vengeance. But rage and venom suck up emotional energy we need for our own healing and recovery. Perhaps the real question is this: "How can I approach this in a way that will help my recovery?"

One thing to do is look back at what actually happened when you disclosed. It seems to me that your parents just stiff-armed you, but one ray of hope is your brother. He isn't rejecting you for the sake of his own agenda; he's simply expressing his inability to see how something that happened a long time ago can still harm you. Well, he wasn't abused, so I can see how he might think that way. Perhaps there is some possibility of talking to him further when the opportunity arises. When you told him did he seem concerned for you, or did you feel he was just blowing you off?

Another thing to bear in mind is that if people who are close to us are just hopeless cases when we need their compassion and support, that reflects on THEM, not on us. The fact that you DESERVE love and support isn't touched in any way by their inability to give it.

Finally, bear in mind that "family" can include people who are not related to us by blood. I bet we all have relatives who should just be taken out and thrown in front of traffic - it's just a matter of how many need the heave-ho. ;) "Family" is about love, trust and commitment, and I myself have people in my "family" who are not related to me by blood: my "second Mom" Joanne, my "little sister" Beth, and my cool "little brother" John. I would tell them anything, and well, I guess I already have. I knew I could count on them and they have sure come through for me.

I think it's natural to hope that blood relationship makes us special to certain people, but sometimes it just doesn't. In fact it doesn't guarantee us anything at all, but that isn't our fault. We shouldn't hang our heads in shame or guilt over this. If we look up we may well see others who really care and are willing to help.

Much love,
Larry
 
David
ah, that 'wonderful British institution' the boarding school.

I went through the system as well in the 1960's, and it has NOTHING to do with that old crap attitude of "boys will be boys" and all that other shit about "experimenting"

I haven't told my parents for exactly the reasons you give, I didn't think their attitudes would stretch that far. Anyway, my dad's 87 and my mother has dementia so it's too late now.

I also have feelings that they were to blame in some way for just sending me to that school, and those are feelings that I will live with forever now - but that's MY choice.
However, they are feelings that I have dealt with a lot in therapy and since finishing therapy. And I have arrived at the conclusion that if they had known what was happening then they would have taken me away. My mother was a fearsome woman, still is despite having the memory of a goldfish! And I cannot imagine her letting me endure there if she could possibly take me away. And my father is a very moral man, so I can't imagine not being protected IF they'd have know.

But I'll never know with 100% certainty now, so I make do with what I've got. It's not perfect, but the alternative of telling them in their later years was worse - for me.

I don't come to MS as often as I did, but I'll make the effort over the next few days.

I also work for a survivors charity here in Shropshire, and I have some cotacts and lots of information about survivors resources in the UK if you need them.

Take care
Dave
 
Thanks to everyone for the postings.

Perhaps what has been most damaging to me was keeping a terrible secret for so long and consequently not going through normal development, and withdrawing into a lonely place.

I am disappointed by my parents response. A normal response, I believe, would have been tears and anger. What offends me is that they dont want to HEAR what I am saying.

The Swiss psychologist Alice Miller was very helpful in understanding the family dynamic. The adult is the outcome of childhood experience, both positive and negative. Clearly both my parents have issues in their background and this is the problem in our communicating.

Can I criticise them for mistakes they made? Well, I think I have the right to say what I think. That has included stating that sending me to boarding school was a massive error of judgement. They are both old now. They want to continue believing that they made sacrifices in their own lives to give their children the best possible start in life. They honestly believe this. I think it is reasonable for me to try to get my feelings through to them, but there is a point where this just becomes cruel.

I genuinely dont think they can be blamed for the sexual abuse as they knew nothing about it. Were they better parents they would have noticed the changes in their son and done something about it, but this is another subject. The early 1970s were still an innocent time in the UK. My mother had neurotically warned me against strange men but not Oxford-educated teachers who were friends of the family.

What I want for myself is to understand and properly mourn what happened. Then as far as possible I want to heal the wounds and have as normal a life meaning a life of experiencing real emotions as possible. A conflict with my family wont help me or them.

Dave, SurvivorsUK in London saved my life. I sometimes go to Survivors Fellowship London. I know of an annual weekend retreat but dont feel ready to attend. Maybe you know of https://www.boardingschoolsurvivors.co.uk/ . It was Nick Duffells book that helped me start to deal with the sexual abuse. Can you recommend anyone in the UK who leads John Bradshaw style retreats?

Thanks,

David
 
Hi David,

I know how much it hurts when your family doesn't seem to empathize with your CSA. I have that problem and I don't have an answer. I look for support elswhere.

Sunny
 
David

Can I criticise them for mistakes they made? Well, I think I have the right to say what I think. That has included stating that sending me to boarding school was a massive error of judgement. They are both old now. They want to continue believing that they made sacrifices in their own lives to give their children the best possible start in life. They honestly believe this. I think it is reasonable for me to try to get my feelings through to them, but there is a point where this just becomes cruel.
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This is a very valid point David, and one that I lay awake at night fighting over.
I arrived at a different answer to you, but that's not the point. Your answer is right for you.

The big issue for was the one of "why was I sent away to school?" and with that comes all the doubts about "what if?"
I still have those thoughts, even though I'm convinced that the decision I made to not tell them is the right one, for me first and them second.

That decision also raises the possibility that they did know about my abuse, the headmaster discovered what was going on very early on and did nothing in order to protect the schools reputation.
So did he consult my parents at the time and reassure them that he'd stopped what was going on and it was better to say nothing?
That's a terrible thought, and maybe I fear that being the truth so much that I'm avoiding getting an answer one way or another?

My doubts are small though, small enough for me to live with them.
I know that for all the faults our family had, still have as well, they did try their best with the knowledge and skills they had. But both of my parents came from large Welsh hill farming families, that I now know through dealing with my huge family recently and delving into the ancestery of both sides, were strict, poor, and ruled by fear and not love.
My parents moved away to Shropshire, so they also lacked the family support - if there was such a thing?
They knew no different, so my older brother and I were raised with what they did know.
Can we blame them for that? No, I don't think we can.

Families are complicated things at the best of times, and to me at this stage in my life and healing the answers to my questions don't lie with family, and even though I still have tiny doubts about their actions it's going to serve no purpose to me or them to seek the 100% assurance that would be ideal.

I've seen that boarding school survivors site some time ago, and it doesn't seem to be updated at all - which is a shame because I know one thing with 100% certainty David, we were not alone.

Dave
 
Hi David.

Another Brit here.

My father, who doesn't do emotions,
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Sounds very much like my old man, when I disclosed to him in 2000 the only thing he was concerned about was me bringing more youngsters into the paedophile ring that abused me.

I said "what about me then dad?" And his reply was something along the lines of "knowing you the way I do you more than likely brought it on yourself". This quote by my father has been locked deep inside of me for six years, I didnt really take heed of what he was saying at the time such was the shock of his initial reply. It has only just recently returned to me.

I spoke about this with an uncle of mine and he said more or less the same thing adding that I was always the black sheep of the family, some dysfunctional family I came from, they dont seem to recognise that through that dysfuncton I became "prime fodder" for perps.

I now refer to my father as the "emotonally dead arsehole" and as far as I am concerned he may as well be dead, I no longer have any contact with him and have no wish to talk with him ever again.

Kirk
"Lets grab this bull by the horns and swing it about a bit"
 
Hi Kirk,

Clearly your father and uncle are themselves the product of toxic childhoods or they would never have come out with such unbelievably hurtful nonsense.

I find Alice Miller's books a key to understanding my parents. I even went as far as researching the family tree to learn about my parents' and grandparents' background. Even if I can't always forgive, I hope I can have compassion and understanding.

I take on board what Dave said. While trying to develop a better relationship with family I am seeing much less of them at present. Their being in partial denial about what happened is an impediment to my getting over it. Also I now have zero tolerance of family members dismissing my feelings. It makes for fairly prickly telephone conversations but I hope, in time, they will learn to treat me with the respect I deserve.

Best wishes,

David
 
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