Unsure

Unsure
D

deck

Registrant
I tried to post a little bit ago but I must have done something wrong because nothing got listed. If this is repetitious then I apologize.

This is my first post. I've been out here looking at this site but have been hesitant to say anything. I'm not sure why I'm doing this today.

Over the past few years I have dealt with a lot of extraneous issues in my life and have actually felt realitively good about addressing. It was like a built up a world that had become self destructive and I had to tear it down.

Lately it seems like I've finally gotten down to certain core issues. Things seem so much harder than they've ever seemed before and all those previous "victories" seem meaningless. I feel like when I look at myself, I see a failure. Am I weak? Why does it seem that everyone has problems but this seems so overwhelming? People have lives and relationships and all I seem to feel anymore is hollow. It seems that I am less than what is required- a good person but a failure as a man. Emotionally castrated. I feel like I could never have a relationship with a woman because if they got to close then she would see me as I am and be repulsed.

Sometimes it seems like it would be easier to go back to that old world. Right now- it just seems like I should be doing something but I have no idea what it is. I wish someone could tell me what I need to do to fix my life.

Sorry for rambling.
 
Deck,

Well, first of all welcome to our little circle. There's a lot going on here and I hope you will benefit from it.

As you get used to the site and feel more comfortable here you will see that ALL the feelings you mention in your post are shared by a lot of other guys. You are NOT alone. You are NOT lost or adrift, as you feel. Remember that what's messed up isn't us, but what was done to us. I know that will sound so PC, but it really is the truth.

I won't get into all the points you raise; it would be too much, I think. But try to talk. Whatever it is you need to say, let it out. That will help a lot. As you learn more you will see a lot of useful posts that will help you address the concerns you mention.

You aren't just welcome here. You will be believed and supported and understood. We're glad to have you.

Much love,
Larry
 
Thanks Larry. I appreciate the kind thoughts. I know you're right- I just wish I felt normal. I know that there are people who care-sometimes that's what keep me going. Like I said, I just wish I could figure out what I need to do. That seems to be the hardest thing-trying to figure out what I need to do and how to keep life from seeming so empty. And I know what you're saying-I'm not alone but I often feel that way.
 
Hi deck,

Welcome. You've done the right thing by beginning to talk about these things. Verbalizing what hurts so bad gets it out where it can be examined and put where it belongs. It can be a bit of a process, but so worth it.

Glad you're here, Friend. Like Larry said, it's a place where you will be believed and understood.

Lots of love,

John
 
Hi Deck,

First, I cannot begin to understand the magnitude of what you are going through as I myself was never abused.

However, I can tell you this...you ARE NOT weak! You are an incerdibly strong individual. The fact that you are finally acknowledging that there has to be a better way to live is a HUGE step. :) Yeah, for you!!!

I can tell you that the absolute love of my life was abused. I was the first person he told besides a therapist...and you know what? I didn't love him any less. I loved him just as much, if not more. I still love him... to this very day and I always will. :)

Ultimately, he thought he was emotionally castrated as well...but I still don't believe that. I know how much he loves me, and I have seen the way he can love others. I believe in his will to work through this. I believe in every persons ability to "feel"...even yours. :) The catch is that you have to allow yourself to feel. You have to learn to trust.

In the end, he pushed me away. He told me he wasn't ready and had to "fix" himself first...but he didn't know how. Letting go was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. That was back in March. When he dropped me at the airport on our last day, he told me this wasn't over. I'm still not sure what that meant...but I think it was his way of saying he was not going to give up on himself.

I talked to him a few days ago for the first time in a very long time...you know what? I was so proud to hear that he was back in therapy and that he was truly making some progress. You know what else? I still love him...just as much, but I am slowly moving on with my life. I wasn't in pain when I talked to him, but I felt an incredible amount of love. I made it clear that I would be there for him always. I meant it.

I guess the point in telling you all of this is to make you realize that I was never repulsed when I began to see the "real" him. If anything, so many more things made sense...it was just a shame that I couldn't be along for the ride as support to help him through this. He was too scared to completley open, as you seem to be as well. This is completley understandable...however, please see that you have to learn to trust...yourself and others. You have to learn to love yourself and to let yourself feel your feelings.

Make a promise to yourself not to go back to "that World". The love of my life told me about "that world". I beg you: please DON'T go back to "that world". I have heard so much about "that world" and it breaks my heart. :( You deserve so much more.

Please don't give up on yourself...and don't give up on love. You deserve love.

Blue
 
Deck - if we had the answer of 'what to do', we would bottle and sell it!

The only way I can describe it from a personal perspective, is that we spend years building a wall to hide behind. At a later date, we realise that wall is claustrophobic, and start to kick it down. When it's totally kicked down, we feel exposed by the amount of light that suddenly appears in our lives. We do not trust that light, so it is tempting to re-build the wall! Enjoy the light when you see it....... leave the wall as rubble!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Hi,

Glad that you are here. Many of us have felt abnormal after what happened to us as have I. I wanted to feel normal and not sure if that will ever happen but there are somethings that can be done to feel happy and at peace with the world. I needed several therepists to teach me how to comprehend what happened to me and a process to go thru to begin to heal.

I suggest you consider something similar and keep listening and learning here as there are many with great insite. Take care,

Barney
 
Hey John, Blue, Rik and Barney,

Thanks for the support and the welcome. Right now everything seems hard. I think it's just trying to trust. Its been so hard for so long. I know others here struggling too and have find a way to live with this stuff. this gives me some hope. Thanks.
 
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