Unsure of How to Help Him

Unsure of How to Help Him
J

JKay

Registrant
I guess I am looking for some advice on how to help a survivor. I started dating C almost 4 months ago. One of the first nights we hung out he told me that he was sexually abused when he was 8 by a pastor that worked with his dad. Since then we have not talked about it and had a pretty casual relationship. He told me from the beginning that he didnt want a serious relationship and I was fine with that for a while. He drinks a lot and does drugs... he has been trying to stop the drug habit but is struggling with it. As time went on we got closer and spent more and more time together. Two weeks ago I told him that I couldnt continue like this because i need more from someone and maybe it would be best to be friends. It was a very emotional discussion and he told me he loves me.
So, two nights ago we were out drinking and trying to maintian the "trying to be friends" thing and we were alone and he started spilling more and more about his past. He told me he was molested by a psychologist when he was 12 and trying to get therapy. He told me he thought he was gay for a while and now he thinks he might be bi. He told me he had sex with a handicaped girl when he was 13. He told me a week ago he was so drugged up and drunk that he woke up to a guy making out with him.
I dont know what to do. He told me that he had to tell me all this because he cant tell anyone else and needs me to listen. I want to help him and I am scared and sad and crying. I love him and I cant let him destroy his life. I dont know if I should get him books, try to help him find a therapist, just listen and be there? i dont know. Someone, plese help me.
 
JKay,

try to help him find a therapist
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Your best bet is to encourage him to find a therapist. And maybe give some thought to putting a little distance between the two of you. Be friends but don't get overly involved. He sounds really, really mixed up and on a downward spiral. He has to take the first steps of getting help, and you being a listener won't be nearly enough. Please look after yourself first.
The fact that he is sexually acting out with men and is confused as to his sexual preferences does not paint a great picture for a relationship with you. Was he using protection when he was having sex with the guy? Be careful, be supportive but not unrealistic. Add alcohol and drugs to this story and sadly, this is one relationship where you might best be moving on. Peace, Andrew
 
Everything you said makes sense and I know that I can't have a relationship with him anytime soon, if ever. But, I feel like we met for a reason and maybe that was for me to help him. I know I can't save him and should remember to put myself first but its hard when someone comes to you with such a cry for help. Usually I am too nice and caring for my own good.
 
JKay - Wow, you must be blown away. C has given you a lot to handle. He's shown a great deal of trust in you.

I think your instinct that he needs to be in therapy is correct. But trying to convince someone of something like that can often backfire.

A more passive approach might be to by a couple of books on the subject. Victims No Longer by Mike Lew is one I often recommend (in fact I think I should be getting commissions). Maybe purchase a copy and drop it off at his house, maybe even when he's not home if that makes you more comfortable or if you think it will make him more comfortable.

What he'll read in there will let him know he is not alone. That is of great importance. He will further learn that a lot of what he's been going through, the sexual acting out, the drinking, the drugs, etc. are common reactions in adults who have been sexually abused as children.

I'd like to personally thank you for showing such care and concern for C. You might be the catalyst that pulls him from his downward spiral. But set limits for yourself. Ultimately he is not your responsibility and he must follow his own path. Peace - John
 
Thank you John. That helps. I just ordered that book online and am hoping it helps. I read many excellent reviews on it. I am not sure how I am going to go about giving it to him... but one step at a time I guess. Thanks for your support. I certainly hope I can be that catalyst. Take care and best of luck in your own life. -Jaclyn
 
Jaclyn
Get the book, it's the best there is I think.

Have a read yourself first, and then give it to him. If he reads it he'll be asking questions. But don't make the mistake of trying to help him on your own.
Encourage him to seek speialized therapy, but also be aware that therapy works best when we walk through the door on our own accord.

He sounds as though he has many problems, probably because of his abuse, and multiple problems take a lot of effort and support to overcome.
So please take care of yourself first, if he deserves your support then you have to be strong enough to give it.

Take care
Dave
 
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