Unsent Letter to my father

[FlyWM]

I have been going through a day program at a psychiatric hospital, and we had to write a letter to someone from our past with whom we have unfinished business with, and I figured I'd post it. so here it it:

Father (and I use this term loosely),

You have hurt me beyond belief, beyond what any words can express. You used me, you abused me, and you dam near destroyed me. You have stolen so much from me, you stole my childhood, you even stole my innocence, and I don't know if I can ever forgive you. You tore away my heart, my soul, and my trust.

All the pain and heartache and unanswered questions are crushing me, and this that I bear, you were the first to burden me with, you who were supposed to love and protect me. You did this, you used me, you abused me, you brainwashed me, and you made me easy prey for others like you.

You always showed the happy loving parent to the world, but to me? Anything but. The things you did to me, to your own flesh and blood, it is mild to call them torture. I have so much fear and terror and hurt because of it all, and I hate that. Your actions led me down a road of dread and fear, led me down a path where evil and pain were the only gods. You forced me to accept many things not even dogs are forced to endure.

Now an oppurtunity to tell you off, and I can't even do that, I am to afraid and too much of a man to "take the gloves off." Yes, that's right, I am terrified, nay, petrified, but I am still a man, more of a man then you ever could be. And to be honest, to myself, all this, I know to be true, but you have me so messed up I believe the opposites.

YOur sins have been wieghing upon me all my life, and I wish I could extricate myself from such a burden, but the things you and others have done and said make me believe I am the bad one, that I am dirty, so I am trapped here for now. Trapped with a burden as great as that which Atlas shoulders, but in time, I hope, it will get lighter and lighter until one day I can leave it all behind.

It is time for you to live with your sins. I did not ask for, nor deserve what you, or anyone else, has done to me, I believe I did, but that is because of the tactics you used wich now I see for what they are, evil, inhumane, abhorent acts perpetrated by a man after Satan's own heart. Am I the evil and dirty one? I may believe I am, but intelectually I know I am not, I know you are the dirty and evil one. I did not sell, nor relinquish my soul as you have, so in time I can heal and see heaven's light, while all you see is fire and brimstone, if there is any true justice.

scott

 

[markgreyblue]

god bless you scott

this letter must be so hard to write

you are so powerful for writing it

my father too is pschotic and his image to
the world is - the most decent -

yet he borders on such evil -

- your letter is an affirmation on the road
to healing -

we will be here for you -

write whenever you need -
or want -

pm if you like to markbluegrey -

you are amongst people who will listen who will support -

i will listen and respond if you like

good for you scott - you are strong

and a Survivor -

markgreyblue

 

[IrishKipley]

Scott

your words were so powerful. this took a lot of courage to write and post this letter. you are a strong survivor with words that inspire us all. keep writing...you will rise above

Kip

 

[crisispoint]

Scott,

I am proud of you, my brother.

You will SURVIVE despite what this animal did to you. He doesn't deserve the name "father." He doesn't deserve the term "human."

You are the man he will never be, and I am so damn proud to know you. My heart is full for you tonight.

The courage you have cannot be measured. You rank me and inspire me.

Peace and love,

Scot

 

[Leosha]

Scott, I find it interesting, how in the letter, you say you can not tell him off, and yet, you do it quite well. Just a thought of me. Perhaps you can try to write a letter again, to him, to someone else, anyone, but do not worry of the grammar, the spelling, the structure (so yes, in other words, write it as I write normally, haha!) But really, if you do not worry of the vocabulary, of the sentence structure, just pour the words out, say anything you have to or want to say, and do not worry of how it will impact anyone. No one must ever read it. Curse, yell, scream. Stab at the paper even if you want. But let it all free, without worrying of restraining anything of yourself.

Good luck.

leosha