unsafe

unsafe
P

puppy

Registrant
i feel like i need about 12 hours of therapy today. i dont know whats wrong with me. i take so many steps forward and then i mess everything up again. i started to make some really good progress. and now im angry at myself because i think ive been pushing everyone away lately. i dont feel safe at all. the only time i feel safe is when im alone. i dont like being around my boyfriend anymore. i feel totally unsafe with him, for no reason at all. ive been focusing all my energy on school so that i can avoid spending time with people.

i feel so vulnerable all the time. im not happy. i dont know where my life is going. i dont know who i am or what i want.

i tell myself that i want a relationship. because love is good. and i want someone to love me. and then i go and ruin it. i just dont want to be around him. because i dont want him to touch me.

im afraid of everything and i dont want to be anymore. i feel like just hiding in my bed under all my blankets and never coming out. i know i cant do that. but at least i know its safe there :(
 
Can I say that there are days like that...weeks, months, maybe.
But you have said something that you can hang onto...concentrating on school. I had a heck of a time even doing that. How DID I graduate?
We all need 12 hours of therapy, but the model seems to be once per week. And, I guess they do that so that we absorb those therapudic details at a slower, more meaningful pace.
I just wanted you to know that what you're feeling about your boyfriend, affects others of us, too. It's difficult for my wife to realize that sometimes I just want to be left alone.
A lot of the guys hear you, puPpy, they'll stop by today to give you some their wisdom. In the meantime, remember, you are not alone, as others of us have stuggled with the same thing. I HAVE stayed in bed all day, under the covers...I called them "mental health" days.
Hang in, buddy, help is on the way.

David
 
Puppy
it's safe under the bed, I've spent many hours there - in a literal sense.

It does overwhelm us as we go through our healing, and I think that our heads overflow with all the 'stuff' that rains down on us. It's only natural that we retreat sometimes, we do it to recharge.

It's unfortunate that those we love are the ones in the firing line though, but true love overcomes these difficult periods.

Dave
 
Puppy,

It ain't easy. We can all identify with your struggle.

" i feel so vulnerable all the time. im not happy. i dont know where my life is going. i dont know who i am or what i want."

I'm 54 and occasionally have days like this.
I know this sounds simplistic and I know it's not the entire answer, but sometimes it's just a question of being overtired and needing a good sleep. Peace, Andrew
 
Puppy,

You are not alone in your struggle. All of us have "bad days." Give yourself credit for all you have accomplished. You say you don't know what you want or who you are. We already know who you are. You are a special, courageous, and kindhearted man. Everything else will fall into place when the time is right.

Have you told your boyfriend how you feel? Perhaps if you shared with him that you do want him, but you are feeling afraid? Or that you do love him but can't handle being touched?

It is perfectly natural to not want to be touched, or to be afraid of someone you love. This means you aare opening your heart and making yourself vulnerable again. This is a big step, this means that you have part of your "walls" down!

I am so proud of you for posting about your feelings. We all can relate to them.
 
Puppy,

It sounds to me like two things are happening. My guess is that you are getting closer to your boyfriend, which means that if things go wrong you would be hurt more. Maybe you are afraid of continuing to relate to him, for reasons I can only guess at. The issue of touching is a huge one for many of us; in a relationship it can mean lots of things other than sexual, and a feeling of commitment is often conveyed by touch. Darkheart may have hit on a good idea: do you care for this guy enough to trust him with how you feel? Ken Singer made a comment once that I try to remember: "Moving forward in life never comes without risks."

The other issue is that your 20th birthday is this week. When things are tough, a birthday can be a bit of a downer because at that time we focus on areas of our life where everything seems to have gone wrong.

Want an interesting experience? Go look at your first 20 posts. I bet you will see a huge difference. I do!!!! You have made a lot of progress since you first showed up here.

And treat yourself and your boyfriend to something really fun on your birthday. :)

Take care,
Larry
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top