Unrealistic Expectations

Unrealistic Expectations
K

kolisha54

Yup. Been there. AM there...

You know what I just realized? Just because someone has endured suffering and hardship does not exempt them from acting honorably with their friends and their more-than-friends.

We have a right to expectations of our own: respect, affection, & honesty.

Unless the survivor is actively working at this - or in the midst of a TEMPORARY need to pull back & process/ heal to the next level - then that survivor may be dear to us, he may be an inspiration to us, he may be the entire world to us: but he is NOT equipped to be in a relationship with us.

With that in mind, why would we always want to be in the position of being more alone than alone???

Good luck - I know exactly how you feel!
 
tabor,
just a quick response on my part for now. i find myself struggling with that tendency of survivors to enforce an unrealistic expectation on their environment. fortunately for me and lady theo, she has the chutzpah to put me in my place with all the compassion she has when i step out of line in that respect, and i typically enforce that unrealistic expectation towards myself instead of those around me. this last one is good for those around me in some respects, but bad for me in most other respects. as kolisha so eloquently put it, no matter how much we love a survivor, if they are not ready to make that step of personal accountability and respecting the integrity of those they share their life with then they are not ready for a mutual relationship. you did nothing wrong, tabor. he is just not ready or able to make that step required. gotta run, homework backed up (as always :) ).
 
I think you have taken the first step in detachment that is critical in keeping your own vision for your future, your own self-respect, and your own clear insight about how much you are willing to give AND not take. Knowing how caring and supportive you have been to your survivor, he is obviously lashing out inappropriately.

My survivor keeps me out of his life unless it's superficial stuff, even though he has always been respectful, albeit, aloof and distant since our breakup in early December. I had to ask him recently to answer my e-mail questions and attempts at interaction when he's able, but not to ignore me. He has made it clear he still wants me in his life, but is not making any attempts to better his life through therapy or anything else. At least not that I'm aware of. I wish he understood how valuable his life is.

I think you deserve at least a direct apology. It would be counter-productive for him to not do so. I hope you get one, for you AND for him.
 
Tabor
that's a hard 'fault' to shift - being critical.
I still behave that way when I don't know any other way to behave.

What I think happens is that instead of a 'normal' interaction between my wife and I, because I'm still learning a lot of the 'normal' stuff; I resort to my old ways and choose the easy option - aggression.
I'm not very aggressive, and never physical, but I get snappy and irritable. And if I get a reaction then I keep going.

Slowly I'm learning to recognise it for myself and overcome it, but it's had nearly 35 years to get ingrained, shifting it ain't easy.

Dave
 
I wrote something almost identical to your post in my journal recently. That bit about walking on eggshells really resonates with my experience - I'm sick of it, too. But what, in the end, do you gain if you lose yourself?? Let me tell you what it gained me - ten years of lonely marriage. If I'd been true to myself from the start, my husband and I might have been able to address this earlier, and saved ourselves years of heartache. He might have gotten to a point of healing, I might have been a mom by now. And if it hadn't worked out, maybe the failure of our marriage would have inspired him to seek help. It's strange to think of caring for yourself first as a kind and generous thing to do, but if you cave on him, where does that leave both of you? Let's say that YOU spend the next 10 years walking on eggshells - do you think that will make things better for either of you?

By all means, show your friend all the love and compassion you can scrape together. He deserves it. But please remember to take care of yourself, because it truly is important for you both.
 
Tabor - I'm sorry that, through your caring and compassion, you have been hurt again by your friend.

While I was answering that previous post, 'Questions for Survivors', I thought of a long-time, very close friend of mine who makes a regular, concerted, weekly effort to keep in touch with me. She knows what I'm going through and wants to be there if/when she can.

Our communication is primarily via telephone. The problem is, she seems to always call at an inopportune time or at a time when I just don't feel like 'getting into it'. I think she may feel rebuffed and is quite possibly hurt by my not including her in what's going on. This is not intentional, it has much more to do with timing and my desire to sit down and talk face-to-face rather than speak over the wires.

We only live about twenty minutes from eachother but when we do get together it is usually a social occasion and is nearly never appropriate to get into a heavy discussion. I have not explained this to her as I have here to you, but I intend to. It is not her fault that she calls when she does, she has no way of knowing how I'm feeling as she dials the phone. And it is not my fault that she feels the way she does when 'I can't talk now', but she does deserve an explanation.

I'm rambling, but I think what I'm trying to get at (as gently as I can) is that she allows me the space. She knows that I know that she's there if and when I need her, not nearly as much as she'd like to be needed, considering our closeness and our history. I think she does, and should, feel some entitlement to be more involved. But it isn't working that way.

I'm not sure what has most recently transpired between you and you friend but I wonder if it is possible that you're being too persistent. Your desire to help is admirable, don't lose that. But is it possible that you've sort of taken him on as your pet cause? You see his hurt and learn more here about his turmoil, you want to help him fix it. He may not be as ready as you are.

I'm not trying to make excuses for him, or me, but I'm trying to make sense of it, for you and for me. If he has deliberatley treated you poorly, there is no excuse and you shouldn't put up with it. Friends are friends and the definition of that is reciprocation. If he is strong enough to be unkind then he is not so fragile that you can't put him in his place. Tell him you feel hurt and why. Then tell him that you still care and will continue to be there when he needs you and leave it at that. Do like my friend does, check in from time to time. Don't dig, try not to make it awkward or uncomfortable, talk about the weather if that's what he wants. He'll let you know if he wants to get into something deeper. I see now how good a friend my friend is by reminding me that she is there but also allowing me to do what I need to do and with whom on my own terms.

I apologize if any of this seemed to harsh. I'm doing my best to be honest and to reason things out as much as I can so that we can both undertand. Go easy on yourself, take a break, you need it too.
 
Sinking,

...I wonder if it is possible that you're being too persistent....Your desire to help is admirable, don't lose that. But is it possible that you've sort of taken him on as your pet cause?
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I understand what youre saying (and your words were not too harsh) but in my case with my friend Im not being persistent at all and havent taken him on as my cause. When it comes to what hes going through, I dont initiate any discussions with him as I know this is his to work through at his pace and I dont push him to do what I think is best for him. When he comes to me I listen, I encourage, if he asks my opinion Ill give it to him but I cant fix the problem, I know that.

My initial post here was due to what I felt was a breaking point for me. I felt so completely defeated, worthless, useless, etc. I just dont know...sometimes it feels like I cant do anything right with him and when I do finally reach a point where I feel the need to express my feelings, the reaction I get is that I dont have a right to them. Everyone at some point lacks that feeling of self-worth but when my own needs and feelings have been disregarded for such a long time sometimes its overwhelming how of little importance I seem to be.

Im sorry that I cant explain publicly in greater detail the specifics of all thats transpired between us. I dont know why its so hard for me to let go of the man I first met, I know I cant get him back, but the differences between the way he treated me before he started remembering his abuse and the way I feel Im being treated now is tough to take. And its the whole balancing of logic and emotion that I need to figure out. Logically, everything hes going through makes sense, I understand that, but emotionally its so very hard. I truly believe that the man I fell in love with is still there, but now just buried underneath all the pain and confusion and anguish hes trying to work through. I know well always be friends, I know these tough times will eventually get easier.

Im sorry Im rambling too, my thoughts are so jumbled right now.

Sinking, I really do appreciate your honesty and insight you give me. I need to hear different perspectives, different ideas, anothers way of looking at things. Gets me to think about things that maybe I wouldnt have thought of myself.

I dont know...

Tabor
 
Tabor - I read your post hours ago and have thought about it since. I'm a little perplexed, though maybe I shouldn't be. But somewhere along the way I missed the part about "the man I fell in love with". You see, I was sure yours was a platonic relationship which would certainly change some, but not all, of the suggestions and recommendations I've made. My post earlier today with respect to my friend who gives me space, obviously, was aimed in the platonic direction. I never would have suggested that had I known you were romantically involved.

You are right when you say (platonic or not):
when my own needs and feelings have been disregarded for such a long time sometimes it's overwhelming how of little importance I seem to be.
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You've only got you to stand up for yourself in this matter. Do so. We survivors do go through a great deal of pain and anguish. But it is ours, not yours. If he is projecting his issues and pain and anger onto you, reject it and tell him so. Of course our supporters are affected by us and our actions but, ultimately, you are responsible only to yourself.

I know that we don't all treat our loved ones this way. In my situation it's the other way around. I still do most of the caretaking in my relationship. I keep my moods in check. I've had my fair share of emotional wreckage moments and she's been there to hold me or listen, but not much more. Most of the time I hear "I don't know what to do or say" and I'm left holding the bag, trying to guide her through her own process. Trust me when I say I've got enough to handle on my own without trying to help her to help me too. I sure do wish there was some middle ground for you in your relationship and me in mine. Maybe there is in the future, until then I'll keep the faith that she loves me as much as she says she does and hope that she finds a way to be more supportive (without expecting me to do the work for her) for that will reveal the truth about who she is and who she and I are as a team.

One of the tough parts of all of this is that none of us have been through it before, not the survivors, not their families or friends or loved ones. So none of us know how to do it. If we did it wouldn't be such a challenge. And not all will make it through to the end...at the very least, we won't have to look at that smug Jeff Probst telling us to gather our things and leave the island. Those poor souls on that reality show really have no idea what a challenge is, what a survivor is or, above all, what reality is, not compared to this mess we've been left with.
 
Sinking,

Sorry for the confusion...we started out as something else but now were just friends due to his working through all this. Its confusing for me too because were floating somewhere between friends and partners. All your advice has been helpful and Ive appreciated every word. I need to look at things from both a partners and a friends perspective.

One of the tough parts of all of this is that none of us have been through it before, not the survivors, not their families or friends or loved ones. So none of us know how to do it.
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This is so true!

Tabor :confused:
 
Before my boyfriend and I were a couple we were best friends. He decided that I was the girl for him, always had been, he was in love with me and that in time he knew I would see my love for him as well, and I was a little uncomfortable with his persistence, but not put off enough over it to lose my best friend, yet at the same time I was going through terrible things--was failing out of school, running away from home, trying to protect my siblings, etc. I told him that I wanted NO part of ANY romantic relationship, and especially no part of one where the other person cared deeply for me, because I had no time and energy for dealing with anything short of getting through the day. I meant that with all of my heart. I told him that if he really wanted to be with me, he would have to stand WAY back and wait for me, because if he kept close he would just get hurt. I wasn't asking him to wait, I was telling him what I needed. I didn't expect him to wait. I never asked him to wait.

It was one of the hardest things I've ever said to anyone. And watching him walk away was one of the hardest things I've ever had to see. But it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. The thought of him waiting, caring, somewhere safe and far away from the terrible place I was in, did more to help me find the strength to end my nightmare life than the whole terrible year prior to that when he'd been standing at my side the whole time. I needed to do it on my own. I needed to have no strings attached to me when I did it. Even when he said he wasn't hurt by my actions, I knew he was, and seeing him hurt for me was just another burden during the bad times. He was another person I was failing, another person I let down. I was more sure I loved him that I was sure I loved myself; and yet I couldn't do right by him, how could I do right by myself?

I know how lucky I am that when I managed to get to where he was, he was still there waiting for me. That's nothing but luck and love. I could never expect anyone, not even him, to do that. I didn't even ask him to do it, I just told him that it's what he would have to do.

When your friend expects you to do the unrealistic, you can't. When you ask yourself to do the unrealistic, you can. Those statements are true both for the partner waiting and supporting and for the survivor trying to figure out how to get through.

peace
 
SAR,

Just when I feel like I cant do it anymore, I read something like what you wrote it gives me the strength that I need to hold on. What you said feels like it may be what my friend is feeling and just cant verbalize to me.

When your friend expects you to do the unrealistic, you can't. When you ask yourself to do the unrealistic, you can.
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Mind if I put this quote on the Quotes for us thread? ;)

Thank you for eloquently putting into words what I needed to hear.

Take care
Tabor
 
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