Unreal
This is hard for me to consider, but i am starting to wonder none the less. I have heard about ritual abuse and child molesting cults. The fact that this is real escapes most people. They dont know, they dont want to know. They laugh at things like the manchurian canidate and satanic cults. BUt they are real.
What is making me wonder is this strange link i think i have found between it and forced feminiztion fantasies. While i think this can happen on its own, its not very likely. More often i think these fantasies, especially the more violent ones, are a result of abuse, a recreation of trauma. I have seen many different websights on crossdressing, i used to sail through them one after another, trying to understand why i didnt like or accept this about myself. Many report having been forced to dress as a girl at a young age. While this doesnt nescesarily mean it causes crosdressing, there is a link, just as there is a link between the abuse of male children by men and homosexuality. The majority of gay men and crossdressers were not abused. But a higher proportion of those who were turn out to be gay or attracted to womens clothing.
Anyways, the things i noticed about the similiarities to cult abuse is the "programming" used. Often, the stories i read were so graphic, that i do not think that somebody could have these types of cumpulsions without some sort of serious psycholgical problems or trauma. Some of the similiarities include creating "alters", personalities specificly indoctrinated to serve the abusers. Many times i read that they were called by a new feminine name, or the fantasies involved hypnosis. There were also many things like being put in cages, being starved, using blackmail and coersion, slipping hormone pills into drinks, rape in which the subject of the fantasy later comes to believe he deserved or wanted, many examples of pretty much pavlovian conditioning, and being forced to do some of the most vile and degrading things imaginable, ultimately degrading the person to the point where he is sex slave to be used at whim for whatever the abusers desire. I know there is a link between this and abuse by females, as well. There doesnt have to be any conspiracy, this kind of conditioning can be caried out, to a smaller extent, by just one person, but if one can do it then many can do it.
So why am i talking about this? Because i think i have to consider the possibility that something like this may have happened to me. I have too many questions about why i feel the way i do, about the fragments of memories that feel like dreams. I really want to believe this isnt true. I hope its not. But if this is a question i have to ask, im not running away anymore. I have had enough. I have felt like i have been running from something i cant face my whole life, like an invisible shadow. I have to face my mother. I dont know what role she had to play in my pain, but i feel she is reponsible for at least part of what i feel now. I am angry enough at her that if she chooses to deny me when i confront her, that i will not stop myself from hating her. I wont feel sorry for her when she dies, i wont care about the needle in her arm eating away at her soul.
Things are swimming through my head right now. Remembering in 4th grade when i thought that "sucking cock" meant to lick a womans anus. The stupid fucking kids making fun of me, asking me, "Do you suck cock?" "Yeah!" I was almost proud, like i thought that was a normal thing for a boy to do with a woman. Like it was "scoring" somehow. Thinking about how my mother asked me when i was twenty years old, "Don't you wish you were born a girl?" Watching her buy barbie dolls when she was over 50, putting them all over the house.
Most of all, i wonder, "If you cant tell your crazy, then how do you get better?" "If i have some sort of disorder, then how would i know it?" This is something i think everybody who has been abused goes through. Some people get through mostly intact, but nothing saves you from wondering if you are occupying the same reality as everybody else.
thanks for listening.
What is making me wonder is this strange link i think i have found between it and forced feminiztion fantasies. While i think this can happen on its own, its not very likely. More often i think these fantasies, especially the more violent ones, are a result of abuse, a recreation of trauma. I have seen many different websights on crossdressing, i used to sail through them one after another, trying to understand why i didnt like or accept this about myself. Many report having been forced to dress as a girl at a young age. While this doesnt nescesarily mean it causes crosdressing, there is a link, just as there is a link between the abuse of male children by men and homosexuality. The majority of gay men and crossdressers were not abused. But a higher proportion of those who were turn out to be gay or attracted to womens clothing.
Anyways, the things i noticed about the similiarities to cult abuse is the "programming" used. Often, the stories i read were so graphic, that i do not think that somebody could have these types of cumpulsions without some sort of serious psycholgical problems or trauma. Some of the similiarities include creating "alters", personalities specificly indoctrinated to serve the abusers. Many times i read that they were called by a new feminine name, or the fantasies involved hypnosis. There were also many things like being put in cages, being starved, using blackmail and coersion, slipping hormone pills into drinks, rape in which the subject of the fantasy later comes to believe he deserved or wanted, many examples of pretty much pavlovian conditioning, and being forced to do some of the most vile and degrading things imaginable, ultimately degrading the person to the point where he is sex slave to be used at whim for whatever the abusers desire. I know there is a link between this and abuse by females, as well. There doesnt have to be any conspiracy, this kind of conditioning can be caried out, to a smaller extent, by just one person, but if one can do it then many can do it.
So why am i talking about this? Because i think i have to consider the possibility that something like this may have happened to me. I have too many questions about why i feel the way i do, about the fragments of memories that feel like dreams. I really want to believe this isnt true. I hope its not. But if this is a question i have to ask, im not running away anymore. I have had enough. I have felt like i have been running from something i cant face my whole life, like an invisible shadow. I have to face my mother. I dont know what role she had to play in my pain, but i feel she is reponsible for at least part of what i feel now. I am angry enough at her that if she chooses to deny me when i confront her, that i will not stop myself from hating her. I wont feel sorry for her when she dies, i wont care about the needle in her arm eating away at her soul.
Things are swimming through my head right now. Remembering in 4th grade when i thought that "sucking cock" meant to lick a womans anus. The stupid fucking kids making fun of me, asking me, "Do you suck cock?" "Yeah!" I was almost proud, like i thought that was a normal thing for a boy to do with a woman. Like it was "scoring" somehow. Thinking about how my mother asked me when i was twenty years old, "Don't you wish you were born a girl?" Watching her buy barbie dolls when she was over 50, putting them all over the house.
Most of all, i wonder, "If you cant tell your crazy, then how do you get better?" "If i have some sort of disorder, then how would i know it?" This is something i think everybody who has been abused goes through. Some people get through mostly intact, but nothing saves you from wondering if you are occupying the same reality as everybody else.
thanks for listening.
