unravelling trigger

unravelling trigger
C

crisispoint

Registrant
It's happening again. just got out of traffic court, contesting a citation, when i just got so scared - authorities, courtroom, never hit me like this before - i staretd losing my mind. Held it together, still am, but i'm crashing again. Freefalling.

Weird hours I'm keeping with the second job doesn't help. Been fighting insomnia for three damn nights. Had flashback this morning that was horrible and I'm hearing the ghosts - abusers - in my head again. sounds crazy. I think I am crazy.

Mood swings are horrible. Was feeling good yesterday, then things started unraveeling. Can;t take the swings anymore. don't know if I want to. No, I KNOw I don't want to. So tired of it all. Of everything. feel like I'm failing. Every step forward is followed by another one behind. Such a fucking burden on everyone. People don't desrve to be saddled with me. I don't deserve to be saddled with me.

Want so much to be free. cast myself into the sky or the ocean. Can't take it anymore. Got therapy tonite but don't know if I can make it. If this is what I've got to look forward to, then I don't want the future anymore. Why shoudl anyone care about me anyway?

sorry again, brothers and sisters. Moods swings so fast, and I can't deal anymore. hope I've helped people here anyway. just feel like a hypoctie.

Scot
 
Scot,

Hang in there. You're not going to feel this way forever. The things that make you feel better about yourself are still there. It just gets hard to see them sometimes through the crap we're shedding.

You're through the court session (did it go well?). Maybe you can get a chance to rest before work or therapy, a walk around the block or try to get a nap?

You're an asset to the folks that come here because you show us it's possible to face the effects of childhood sexual abuse and still carry on in the "real world," still care about people, still connect to people. We can read all the books in the world, but nothing makes the case like a living example.

Thanks,

Joe
 
just reread this stupid post and realized just how disturbing it was.

No, I'm not going to do anything foolish. Wanted to, believe me. Part of me still wants to. Anything to get rid of the damn pain i'm feeling.

But I won't saddle people with what that means. Won't because I know what that's like. One of the "ghosts" i was talking about was jay. Still feel guilty, which is stupid too, but it won't go away, no matter how much I talk it out.

So, while I appreciate your worrying about me, i'm hanging on to the roller coaster for a bit longer. No, the court date didn't go well, but I thought enough about tomorrow to appeal the magistrate's ****ing decision.

Anyone even THINKING about suicide should get help. I may end up doing that today (part of the backup plan my therapist talked about) but I'm not doing it. I'm not giving up hope. Just getting a LITTLE fed up with the swings, that's all.

Peace (me included) and love,

Scot

P.P.S. Yes, I'm a drama queen, but I'm Goddamn entitled to it! Too bad if anyone doesn't like it! :eek: :p
 
mood swings are part of healing aren't they? i've felt like i'm on an emotional roller coaster from the moment i started looking at myself honestly and trying to make sense of all of this. i think we all have our good moments and our bad ones. we just have to ride out the bad and cling to the good for strength to get over them.
 
scot,
when anyone is riding that roller so much they are getting sick of it i would be surprised if they did not hurl more than once. that roller coaster is a pain in whatever anatomy you want to mention. hurl, vent, scream, dramatize all you want, bro, we are here for you. pm me if you need me. take care, scot, and watch out for the loops :) .
 
Yes, the authority figure thing, what better to scare us it seems. I think with me more it is doctors, although I did have some legal trouble once last year and it felt the same way.

You HAVE helped people here. I can tell you for certain, you have helped me very much, and have shown me great kindness and generosity. I'm sorry of the mood swings, although I can understand some what you mean by them, as I have them to some extent also. I hope that you are feeling better some now.

Leosha
 
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