unpleasant development

unpleasant development
B

Brayton

Registrant
My SA recovery has been progressing very well. At my therapist's urging, I have been working on "acknowledging the pain" I experienced as a child. I am getting better at conciously catching triggers as they occur. I don't stop the feelings but better understand their source.

This comes after a lot of prep work as for a long time something like that was impossible. When I "saw" the child that I was, he seemed a dark, sad and emotionally inaccessible person.

Now I can see him as a bright child who was abused, was not responsible for or guilty of the abuse.

Here comes the troubling part: As this process of healing and recovery begins to work I find myself questioning more and more my relationship with my partner.

Was part or all of my original attraction to him about finding someone to take care of me emtionally and now that I resort to that less and less, is the basis of the relationship evaporating?

I think that an evolution can take place with mutual effort but am not sure that I want that. Well, I do, in the sense that I have grown to care for him and have established a new family with him and his family.

But then I think of the all the healty and happy, mutually caring and empathetic relationships that I missed because of the symptoms of the abuse. Perhaps I can get this with him now. Perhaps it is all about me adapting to the change that is occurring with me.

I'm aware too that I am not the person now that I might have been if the abuse had not occurred. Now I am a person that is recovering but am and always will be partly formed by those experiences. I cannot now experience those relationship experiences that I could not before, can I? (rhetorical)

I mourn the person that was lost. I'm not sure how to look ahead and see a hopeful and secure future with my partner.
 
Brett,

Hoo boy, this is a question, isn't it?

It's normal to wonder about a relationship began at the start of recovery when you've made progress. Something I found out that's truly fascinating; a surprising number of married and committed people get divorced or separate after a partner recovers from drug or alcohol abuse.

This isn't the way you'd think it would end, would it? After all, the reason people enter rehab is because they want to be a better spouse/partner/parent. Yet, they divorce. One reason; the person who recovers has changed. They're not as dependant on their partner anymore. They're seeing their partner in a new light (a sober one), and they don't like the person anymore.

It's a different situation from yours, but I see some paralells, at least from the way you describe them.

You fear that now the dynamic has changed, you don't care about them the same way, and you're wondering how much your abuse affected your being in a relationship. You're wondering also if you missed something?

Well, it's natural to think that you have. We've all missed something in our lives because of the selfish people who hurt us. I guess the question would be do you really love your partner? I know you care for them, but "caring about" someone and "loving" them are two different things. This much I know. I may be a little screwy about other things, but this I do know. :D

This is something you have to answer for yourself, Brett. Your therapist can help you with that. And whatever answer you come up with, you NEED to tell your partner. It may hurt, but it's better to be honest with people rather than string them along and hurt them more in the end.

I wish I could be of more help, but I want you to know that I'm here for you.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Is the relationship sound. What attracts us to differing people varies, but what is important are your reasons for staying in the relationship. That is what you must examine and judge for yourself.

The things that attract us can lead us astray. But they can also guide us to gems too. You have to decide based on who you are now if you want to stay with your partner. Is he the right one for you, is the relationship healthy for you.
 
Brett I know you have changed so much in the past months. I could see those changes everytime we meet at the coffee shop to talk. You are how begin to understand yourself so much more.and it is good to ????? everything.

Brett just move slow but keep all possiblitys open. You are truly becoming a new person, let yourself grow in any direction you care to.
Tom
 
The unfortunate reality of relationships is that what draws us to someone in the beginning is often what we grow to resent in the end. As we change, we may no longer need to be taken care of or take care of another's hidden wounds.

Originally, what attracted me to my ex-girlfriend was her need to be loved unconditionally. I wanted to save her from her abusive family. But in the last few months of our relationship, when I began to need her to respond to my abuse symptoms, we both changed and it led to our demise.

I am not predicting disaster for you Brett. I never wish a break-up on anyone. But what is happening is something that is common with people in recovery, or when the roles of a relationship simply begin to change. Although incredibly painful, it is often inevitable that in order to grow as a person, we need to move on from those we have grown to love, need, and rely on. It begins in our earliest relationships with our parents and continues on through our entire life in love and friendship.

I'm sorry if this sounds cynical. It's really not. All of these revelations are very fresh for me right now because of my current breakup. It hurts like hell to want this person to be there for you through these changes and realize that it is in effect BECAUSE of the changes that they cannot, any longer, be the way you need them to be.

PM me if you need to.

-Sean
 
Brett
I've moved on from some of my friends, and family. Thankfully not my wife, although things have changed a lot there.

We can never go back to to being the people we were, and would we want to anyway ?

Not me !

Dave
 
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