Unpenetratable wall / Ghosts from the past
It has been some time since I have last posted and I have managed to try to deal with things in my mind that no other person knows about including my spouse now and this other significant other person that re-entered my life.
After the significant other left my life early on and we lost all communication I moved onto another relationship with another person well this other person and I really cared and loved each other and late in the relationship I told this person about my past(The SA) and we became even much more close.At one point in the relationship I was told that this person became pregnant and we started to talk of marriage then as we cared for one another very deeply well later on a couple months later I received not so great news which was that my significant other miscarried and we lost our baby.After this miscarriage we started to loose touch with each other and the relationship went south and it ended.
I have not spoken of this to any one since that time and I have been dealing with the recent issue in my own mind of the issue at hand really holding my marriage hostage and I have been really having a hard time coping with the past meeting the present this ghost has really sent me on a downward spiral and I really do not have any way of telling anyone about the past as it hurts too much and I really have a very hard timing of talking outwardly about this issue so this issue has been buried for so long that now I am faced with dealing with this.
I really am afraid of having kids as I do not want to have the same thing that happened to me happen to kids I bring to existence.I am having a hard time dealing with knowing that I had almost brought a child into existence and lost it that is enough just in and of it self let alone to deal with the past abuse clouding things.
I have tried to build an unpenetratable wall to surround myself so no one person would know how I feel and why I feel,however with recent events I have failed in letting another person that I cared for in and around this wall that now the pain from the past is flooding back and this other significant other has caused even much more damage by letting me know that this person cared by an intimate gesture and then telling me this person does not want me just more pain to add to this wall and bury if I can manage this on my own like I did in my past.I am now in the process of rebuilding this wall so I won't get hurt by any one person ever again no matter who they are or how they may try to overcome me and my wall.
After the significant other left my life early on and we lost all communication I moved onto another relationship with another person well this other person and I really cared and loved each other and late in the relationship I told this person about my past(The SA) and we became even much more close.At one point in the relationship I was told that this person became pregnant and we started to talk of marriage then as we cared for one another very deeply well later on a couple months later I received not so great news which was that my significant other miscarried and we lost our baby.After this miscarriage we started to loose touch with each other and the relationship went south and it ended.
I have not spoken of this to any one since that time and I have been dealing with the recent issue in my own mind of the issue at hand really holding my marriage hostage and I have been really having a hard time coping with the past meeting the present this ghost has really sent me on a downward spiral and I really do not have any way of telling anyone about the past as it hurts too much and I really have a very hard timing of talking outwardly about this issue so this issue has been buried for so long that now I am faced with dealing with this.
I really am afraid of having kids as I do not want to have the same thing that happened to me happen to kids I bring to existence.I am having a hard time dealing with knowing that I had almost brought a child into existence and lost it that is enough just in and of it self let alone to deal with the past abuse clouding things.
I have tried to build an unpenetratable wall to surround myself so no one person would know how I feel and why I feel,however with recent events I have failed in letting another person that I cared for in and around this wall that now the pain from the past is flooding back and this other significant other has caused even much more damage by letting me know that this person cared by an intimate gesture and then telling me this person does not want me just more pain to add to this wall and bury if I can manage this on my own like I did in my past.I am now in the process of rebuilding this wall so I won't get hurt by any one person ever again no matter who they are or how they may try to overcome me and my wall.