Uneasy with family

Uneasy with family
T

time2heal

Registrant
I had Easter with the in-laws and still remove myself quite a bit. I don't like being to close to my wife's family because of their misconceptions of abuse soley from her mother. My wife told them of my abuse 8 years ago in an attempt to help them understand why I was reserved and quiet. Instead her mother told everyone and made me feel like an outcast and it is still there even now. I don't know if it is a misperception on my part or there really is tension there. I have thought for a while of educating them and touched on this subject some last month but I feel a bit down as I see it more clearly with the interaction from today. My only thoughts on educating is the twisting of information to suit her mood. I only feel like this around her family.
 
It is only natural to feel angry and upset where you are being judge because of your past, and not respected for what you bring into their family.

Ideally your wife should have taken a stand by now, if that has not happen till now, then its time you did that for yourself, by making it clear that you will only indulge in any company that doesn't respects you for what you are.
 
...In any case, you should not be feeling any guilt for any reason now, it is their job to make you feel accepted and welcomed. Here it seems they are incapable of showing basic human compassion; then I wonder, why would anyone indulge in the company of such people, no matter how close?

Further, all said and done trying to change other people's attitudes unless they are themselves willing to work for thier growth is a futile exercise in itself.
 
time2heal,

I think the first question would be this: Is your trouble with your mother-in-law based specifically on issues of abuse, or did she already have misgivings and the news that you are a survivor just made things worse.

She may be harboring some of the old legends about survivors: that abuse turns you gay or that abuse victims become abusers themselves. Perhaps you should talk to your wife about how this problem can be resolved. Ignoring it is not likely to make it go away.

That said, this is your mother-in-law's problem. It would be a gracious gesture on your part to take the first steps to resolve it, but just don't let it get turned into some duty to justify yourself. You were the victim; you have nothing to explain or rationalize.

Much love,
Larry
 
Larry,

She actually got worse from the news of abuse. She was bad to begin with anyways. She treated my wife poorly when she still lived there over a decade ago. My wife was adopted, 3rd child in the family. 1st was normal 2nd was handicapped mentally and then 3rd adopted child (my wife). When my wife got into her teenage years she rebelled and had reactive attachment (normal for adoptive children). The mother-in-law emtionally abused her quite severly at times. When I came into the picture I was still seeking damaged relationships so I saved her so to speak and took her away. There is a lot of resentment there but I am #1 on the mother-in-law's shit list. We have lived in a different state for 8 of the last 10 years then moved back for job opportunities and been close for 2 years. Some of it is over exposure to her I am sure. It is hard though to stay away. I see a connection between her and my abuser in the control and manipulation they both use. So of course I rebel as well and fuel the fire. Unfortunately I cannot cut them out all together. She does baby sit and I don't trust anyone but family. It is a vicious circle isn't it. Plus the father-in-law is a good man and I cannot punish him because they come as a pair. I am a firm believer in simplifing life but this complex issue is difficult to simplify.
 
Reactive attachment is also common among abuse victims, have you ever delved into that?

Your mother-in-law is sure part of your learning curve but be sure you dont get hurt in the process, I am sure once you start drawing your lines she will start respecting them.

As for your wife, having gone thru abuse herself as a child, she is a befitting partner in your healing journey.
 
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