Undoing false beliefs......this is going to be hard.

Undoing false beliefs......this is going to be hard.
E

EGL

Registrant
Was talking to the T yesterday about something I had read in a book, which is undoing false beliefs. Beliefs that you've heard and felt all your life, so they are true to you, but to everyone else (and any logical person) they are not true. My T said that I'm going to have to turn my thinking around 180 degrees on some things to see them as they really are. But how to tell which things? For example, I was abused so think I must have done something to bring it on and allow it to happen. The T says, No, the abuser is responsible for it.

I have decided this is going to be very difficult to undo.
 
It is very difficult to undo the thoughts that have been "engrained" in us since we were younger, but that is sometimes required. It is important to keep at it no matter how futile it may seem at times, and it will seem almost futile at times. But tomorrow is another day and another chance to keep at it. All people have outdated, or just plain wrong, beliefs, that is just how it is, but a survivor has more to deal with, more shame, more terror, and more hurt, but we can ll overcome, just takes work and determination.

Keep fighting to undo those false beliefs, it does eventually get easier, and it can work.

scott
 
Eddie
It ain't gonna happen overnight ! but happen it will.

I waited 31 years before I started to do some 'U' turns, and I discoverd that I had to start off with some gentle curves first.

It's hard to change our lifes beliefs in a short time, but it's possible. It's als worth the effort.

Dave
 
Eddie - one of the best things I did was to sit on my computer & write letters to my inner child.

It may sound strange, but try it - we had never communicated before (apart from his constant nagging in the back of my mind).

I must admit it took me a couple of glasses of wine to get started - format was basic question & response between the two versions of myself. I just typed whatever came into my mind.

To cut a long story short, the summary was that I had always blamed 12 year old me for letting it happen. It meant that the 12 year old part of me had retained this guilt for 34 years and I had let him. I have now forgiven him & 12/47 year old versions of me (had another birthday since I started the letters) walk alongside each other - we are starting to merge.

I've found his stupid humour again & he's found someone that cares about him again - there is no longer any misdirected blame.

You didn't do anything to bring on the abuse - that's what these perverts want us to think.

I didn't walk up to my abuser & say 'hey mister will you do some horrible stuff to me so that it will haunt me for years to come'. He groomed me & I knew no different - I have forgiven myself, so can you.

Much strength ...Rik
 
EGL,

I think that undoing our false beliefs tends to be one of the hardest things. They allowed us to survive in some way from the abuse. The best example I can provide is from my own life. I never called it abuse. I called it experimentation. It was someone else who pointed out that it was rape. The ironic thing is that it when she asked me it, it was the first concrete thing that made sense. I didn't have to hesitate with telling her everything. It's like I knew the whole time that it wasn't experimentation, but I just didn't want to admit it to myself.

Take it easy,
Fusion
 
The first thing I think of here is, the child is never the perpetrator, you should never persecute yourself by thinking it was you who atracted the abuse, even though we all go through this at some time.

The child in you was never responsible for what happened, the child is "raped" if you look at the true meaning of the word.

Don't blame yourself any more, I know it's not easy.

I find it hard to blame my abuser after a great many years and maybe I should, but the times I blamed him all those years ago, tore me to shreds with anger, so much so, that I had to forgive.

Hope I have been of help, but remember, never was "you're fault

ste
 
Yeap Eddie,

Not an easy task.

Before you can turn the flawed thinkings around, you need to identify the ones that are flawed and the ones that aren't. Also, not an easy task.

But if it was easy, we'd have done it long ago and the Therapy and the Self-Help book industries would be out of work.

Keep moving forward,
Bill
 
Eddie,

What, actually, who are the greatest helps to me in identifying false beliefs? You guys here. If you saw a post from someone where they describe something like what happened to you, would you blame them? Would you try to tell them it had been their fault?

So many times I have said and I have heard, "I know in my head what is true, and I know it in my heart about other survivors. I just can't feel it true about me."

It is true. Any good thing you see in the people here is in you somewhere, too. Creativity, intelligence, compassion, humor, determination, strength, courage, etc. In you. In each and every one of you who comes here.

I find that the people here can help me understand what is wrong in my own false beliefs, because in a lot of cases, I'm not the only one to hold such a false belief and apply it only to myself. Maybe that's another common false belief, "You're good guys, but my case is different."

Thanks,

Joe
 
All great replies, everyone. I was reading some more on this last night and discussing it with my wife. The book I have noted 4 general false beliefs that most SA survivors will feel:

1. I must meet certain standards in order to feel good about myself.
2. I must have others' approval.
3. Because I have failed, I am unworthy and deserve to be punished.
4. I am what I am; I cannot change; I am hopeless.


I feel each and every one of these intensely (as well as several of my own). It seems like an impossible thing to overcome. I can tell this is going to be a major piece of my therapy.
 
This probably wont be much help, but it has long been my deepest belief that dispelling our false knowledge is the most important step toward understanding. That process must be set in motion thru out our entire intellectual, emotional, and spiritual beings. We are full to the brim with falsehoods passed down thru generation, by friends, and the whole social environment.

How can we begin to manage such a goal? By embracing TRUTH as the loftiest of achievements. Foster a desire for truth which rejects all previously maintained beliefs. Reject dogma and replace it with study. Do not fear to look into ideas that suggest you might have been wrong the whole time.

The world is full of opposing view points. They cant all be right. Maybe none of them are right. There is no one among us that can possibly get it all right. But the first thing to understand is that most of us have it all wrong.

It isnt the light in your eyes that blinds you, it is the direction you choose to face.

Aden
 
It is very hard to change our thinking, especially from negative to more positive self image. What we have been hearing for so long, it is so much a part of us. But it is possible to change. It takes time. When we hear in our heads the negative things, when we tell ourselves the negative things, what we are supposed to do is go in and tell ourself the opposite. If it is something negative, that someone negative told us, we need to get rid of it. If it is something positive, we should try to keep it. Sound so much easier, isn't it? But it is not easy, I know it. It does become more natural, to start thinking better of yourself. Just as with everything else in the healing, it take time. Good luck.

leosha
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top