Understanding something

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Understanding something

I have realized something in my journaling.

The problem that I have had with my being gay is becoming clearer. And it is two fold. But recognizing this is helping me to accept me.

My CSA warped me so badly that I have somehow felt that being gay as perpetuating the abuse. That it meant if I accepted it, then I was accepting the abuse, maybe even wanting it. But that, of course, is not true.

The other thing was very harsh religion that repeatedly told me how evil what I am was.

So, I am working on accepting me for who I am. And trying a new approach to spirituality. Because I have twisted this for so long, that now I just want to be at peace with myself.

I am what I am, and that ain't half bad.

Marc
 
Marc,

No, that's very good.

:D

At the end of the day, you are a good, decent man. Everything else, well, does that really count? Maybe in the minds of small-minded people, but I can tell you, at least NOT with me.

Your self-esteem shouldn't be decided by democracy. It's a dictatorship, and nobody else's vote matters except YOURS.

But if I may again offer my humble opinion (of course I may. I am! :p ) you are the kind of man I want to be. The kind I try to be.

Peace and love,

Scot

P.S. Did you find the "Scotism" that I put in here unconsciously? :rolleyes: )
 
Marc,

Your post hit me right between the eyes!

The religion and its twisted values and rules set me up for the abuse to eventually happen. The abuse happened just as I was becoming a sexual being. Man on boy sex happened before I even had a clue what gay was. Gay reality had to be repressed with all my might for nearly 30 years. The 15 year old boy went into a coma and is still buried within me waiting for his chance to meet another boy his own age and experience the same joys of self discovery that other people do. The adult me now looks at men his own age and feels like the 15 year old looking at someone who looks like the age of his perp and just can't allow himself to go there. And I too have thought like you have of having a small group of gay men to meet with like friends because larger groups of starngers are too much me.

I write this Marc to validate you. Your post has validated me and for that I am deeply grateful. I'd like to write more but I can feel myself flooding. Maybe later. I wish I lived in LA and could help you get your group started...for both of us.

Taz
 
Marc,

One of the things that I've been doing in the last 4 months or so it to attend a gay men's discussion group. It's really the only place that I've been 'out'. It's been really good for me and feels safe to me. I can relate so much to what you've said as well as Scot and Taz.

I've also met a wonderful guy my own age. We have a lot of things in common so we can communicate very well. He's very supportive and loving. It's so new to me that it's scary sometimes.....but I really like it.

Take good care of yourself Marc, you are a good person, a good human being.

Steve
 
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