Understanding loneliness

Understanding loneliness
M

martin

Registrant
Hello All,

I've been awol from MS for the past couple weeks, just not really sure where my head has been at.

Its been weeks since I've really talked to anyone. Brings back a lot of memories from childhood, I was alone a lot then too. Thanks to having some clarity due to dealing with some of my problems from SA I've been able to consider more fully what being alone so often has done to me.

I've always considered before that being alone was my natural state, that there was something about me that made me not quite good enough to be in the company of others. I also resented that and felt hurt that I was alone so often.

I see now that the state of being alone was/is a self-sustaining trap. I'm alone because I've been alone and failed to learn the skills to socialize, develop lasting friendships, and develop intamacy. I don't have the models or examples to do so. Its not because I'm no good or undeserving as I feared for so long. That is a welcome relief.

One would think that such a revelation would be obvious but it has perplexed me for the longest time. Its not that I wasn't good enough, I just didn't know how and was to vulnerable to criticism and perceived failure.

Now the task is to learn to build and develop those social skills. Not an easy task and certainly not one without risks.

Thanks for taking the time to read this! Take good care,

Aaron
 
Aaron and WhyMe,

Thank you for this topic and your comments. I have found that I can be alone in many different circumstances. At one point in my life I was very involved in a church; chairman of the elders, a teacher, choir member, youth worker and confidant to the ministers. In all that activity and time spent with people I was also terribly alone. I was so busy being what I thought others wanted/needed me to be, that when I finally began making my needs known, they did not know how to handle that.

I no longer am involved in that or any other church and am spending time alone more than with people when I am not working. But when I am with someone, I am trying very much to be me and not just a reflection of a person. Although i am still strongly drawn to help others, I am SLOWLY learning not to do so to the deteriment of my own needs and desires. learing to say no has been very hard for me, but very liberating when I can allow myself to enjoy taking care of me.

I hope I am learning to be social and be a friend. I am learning that people do like me, even when they are allowed to see the me behind the mirror. It is just so scary to stay in front of the mirror.
 
Jeff:

Hey I can relate to all of that. I found out something else about myself.


You said:
You know, Jeff, it's so obvious just from your writings that you are a sensitive, compassionate person with a strong desire to give to and help others.
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I was like that to a fault. I think that we all tend to be caregivers who have suffered SA. In my case it had a prodound effect on me. When I tried to help and could not, for whatever reason, or felt helpless it made me feel horrible and worthless. And his only strengthed the thought in my mind that I was indeed a worthless piece of shit except to be used as an object. Or if someone is upset or whatever I take on the blame for it.

To this day if my wife or daughter or a friend is out of sorts in any way I immediately blame it on myself. It must be my faut because of what I am.

When I think of all the wasted years I am both sad and terribly angry. :( :mad:
 
Wow this hits kinda close to home. I try to help people as much as I can, and try to pass on some of the things I have learned through my trials and tribulations, I have been told many a time I am so far beyond my years, yet I do not see that, all I see is a wish to help people. And when I can't well it just confirms for me the worthless feeling that has been left in the wake of my past.

However, there is a difference between helping people to a fault and helping just enough, I find for myself, I try to help everyone, yet there are few people I actually truly enjoy helping, if I am totally honest with myself, I'd like to believe I like helping everybody equally, but deep down I know that is not true. And as has been said people don't, let me rephrase that, most decent people do not wish to have someone there to just help. So perhaps by acknowledging this, I will be ableto move on some and create and nurture friendships and other relationships a little more effectively.

People just need care from trustworthy people who will guard their confidences, love them unconditionally, be firm but patient with them...
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Jeff this quote realy makes me think perhaps that is true, perhaps trying to conform and help is not always the best thing to do.

Peace,
Fly
 
Being alone, hidden away from people, is such a safe place. Nobody can hurt you in this reclusion from everybody. Of course, it is lonely there. And you cannot find love, have rewarding friendships, or have support structure when you isolate yourself from the world around you.

It is a tricky balance of giving trust and remaining as safe as possible. Especially when our trusts have been violated and exploited, such as ours were. Nothing of great worth, such as a true friend or love, comes without some risk of trust.

So how do we go from being isolated and "safe" in our isolation from people to being out in the world and trusting people and receiving the friendships and love and living our lives to the fullest, while still remaining safe? Small steps. Maybe the first step was coming here, trusting the fellow members and guests with your feelings and concerns and in turn, receiving some friendships, appreciation, and concern. I know this is a step of mine to going back into the world and living, or more accurately going into the world and really living for the first time. Other steps include support groups, T, and the like.

Another big step for me was attending the conference in Minneapolis. I have met so many wonderful people and most I'd like to call friend. I did not feel vulnerable or threatened to share my story and insights into my soul. This has been a new experience for me.

The "walk" into life has begun with these steps and I am beginning to see the benefits of the trek.

Bill
 
Bill,

So how do we go from being isolated and "safe" in our isolation from people to being out in the world and trusting people and receiving the friendships and love and living our lives to the fullest, while still remaining safe? Small steps.
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I think this is exactly right. We take those small steps, in the some are missteps, some are good steps. Through that we heal and learn about who we really are.

Knowing the real you is the true path to good self esteem. You don't have to be perfect or good or completely helpful to others--as the others have pointed out. You just have to be you and know who you are. That knowledge breeds comfort and confidence.

My point in this post was that loneliness is an illusion. Its a trick of perspective, an incorrect perspective. Something like thinking you have to be perfect of course that is unattainable so one gets depressed or addicted or isolated. The results always lead to a sense of loneliness. Feeling like you always have to be the hero too can lead to loneliness. Basically thoughts that you are somehow different or special or any thoughts that separate you from others lead to some isolation.

I don't know if I explained that well its kind of a developing idea / realization I've been having.

Glad you enjoyed the conference I'd love to hear more about it.

Take good care all,

Aaron
 
I have a new friend I would like you to meet. His name is Bill, he is me. I am now my friend.

Bill
 
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