understanding fear and my clinging

understanding fear and my clinging
M

markgreyblue

Registrant
when i lie down - most times -

fear comes into me -

i keep a light on - though i mostly cannot sleep

so - i turn the light off - eventually get sleep -

but

i know now -

like as i posted yesterday -

the realization that certain things provide a clinging - to - quality -

traditions perhaps -

that keep one stablized but for the familiarity of them if

above all non productiveness -

i layed down this morning trying to get some sleep

- and yet i thought - maybe if i cling purposefully -

it opened up how really scared i am -
and yet in clinging now i can now my fears and how to assuage them -

it is working -

and i think we are allowed our transional objects -

i have moose - and i have icebat too - :)

and also - i know now how to mitigate an impulse to cling to others - it is ok to do so -

but in knowing that i am clinging - i can give it a
consciousness -

recognition is a good thing - and it gives more to the need - and also calms me down -

:)
 
and i feel stronger -
 
Mark,

Fear is a rough one to deal with. I had a lot of trouble with it, and sometimes it still body-slams me. But one thing I did find useful was to think about WHAT I am afraid of. That's usually a number of things, and just knowing what scares me helps me to face things.

Do you have a T bro? I don't recall. If not, it might be a good idea to get one. A T really is helpful in a case like this, so you don't end up with a whole new load of pain and trauma.

Much love,
Larry
 
actually i feel pretty good - i am not seeing this moment as a needful event - but rather - it is showing me how to deal with need - rather than be a victim of it -

things are Ok Larry - I will get a t - I suppose eventually - but it is now a proud thing for me to be able to manage my own feelings -

take hold of my need so to speak - and own it -

you know?

like wanting to do something or call someone

but then knowing what the need is all about - and being able to adjust my self care -

without - becoming a victim of say an impulse or what have you -

it's hard to completely say right now for me in this forum - I feel a sense of pride at being awake to all this stuff -

I think our fears may be slightly of a different -intensity - I don't find them derailing - but
I think I was so used to detachment and 'performing' - that now if I am afraid - it doesn't manifest as something masked - but rather - it's now something I know -

like wise - depression - when I am alone - the mind gets - (my mind becomes) exhausted - and prone to depression -

it's a need thing -

I find that I need to be achieving something or

perhaps talking or interacting a good deal - or I become quite saddened by a lot -

the feelings catch - up =

or as I have recently discovered - I become upset - by - at least one thing that used to be stumbling block to happiness -

things are never as you would want them -

that may sound bratty - or whatever silly - you name it -

but I think that - having such a vision for what you want - and it really not being possible to achieve it completely - was a block -

Irealize now - amongst all this - that it really is kind of a nature of life - thing -

I am ok with it -

I don't get stuck on it - it's not a mystery sadness to me anymore - and so it's kind of gone - now -

or not derailing -

you see what I mean?

peace --- Mgb
 
Mark,

No you don't sound bratty or silly at all. But can I come back to something you say?:

I will get a t - I suppose eventually - but it is now a proud thing for me to be able to manage my own feelings
Click to expand...
I understand what you mean bro, but look at how you feel about seeing a T. Are you anxious, scared, apprehensive, nervous? Does seeing a T strike you as an admission of failure?

EVERYONE is uncertain and nervous at first - I wanted to run right out of the office, past my car, and keep running for miles! :) But therapy has helped me so much and reduces the pain and trauma of healing so much. I really mean it!

And seeing a T doesn't mean you can't manage your feelings. It just means that child abuse is a really terrible crime and has very serious effects on us.

Just some thoughts Mark - hope I don't sound pushy.

BUT...if I were in Toronto I would take you myself! It would be one of the best decisions you/I/we have ever made. ;)

Much love,
Larry
 
Hi Mark;

I just read your last post and then read Larry's response to you. I must agree with Larry that you absolutely do not sound silly or bratty but an intelligent person seeking to discover what makes him happy and content, and what leaves him feeling sad and blue. This is a positive thing, to analyze one's self. I do however know with experience that to deal with this alone is not the easiest or even perhaps the wisest thing to do. I say that because of my experience. I went through (and still do from time to time) the same and found myself more depressed than happy. I entered into counseling, and allowed the therapist to help me but to a certain point then I reverted inwards again. I needed to finish with therapy ibn order to move on. This is kind of my "MO" you might say. Whenever I come close to something, an accomplishment, a relationship, etc I pull back, run and hide. I realize that now in the little time I have been sharing feelings here at this site. The abuse we ALL shared as children has this very strong hold on us, and the ONLY WAY to get rid of this hoe is to face our fear head on and deal with it in therapy.

Speaking of therapy I recall when my therapist wanted me to role play. Either I could pretend the molester was in the room and confront him or I could share what happen sexually those years of the abuse. Neither were acceptable to me. To ever speak of all the things I had to do I thought would literally kill me. I didn't believe at the time I could share such intimate details that always made me feel dirty inside. I shiver just at the thought. Then there was the option to imagine the molester in the room and act out how I would react to statements he would make. Oh NO WAY I said, I'm not going to do it. It was shortly after this that I stopped therapy. I even lied telling my therapist I confronted the molester on my own, when I didn't. It was another gathering of sorts and I was in the presence of the molester, who stood tall and proud as I tried to hide. Well, I don't want to hide any more. I don't want to fear any more! The only way this will happen is if I deal with it in therapy.

I often thought "WHAT, will I have to be in therapy all my life?" Well the answer is probably not. I must get past some tough times, but then I may be FREE TO BE ME!

Mark, therapy is only positive when you are ready. Nevertheless, sometimes we need to have it pointed out that if we conquer this we achieve so much more. It is just something to think about. I think you are a very intelligent guy who articulates himself very well. Therapy is just a way that we can deal with our past and move on.

Best wishes to you my friend.
 
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