Uncovering abuse is like peeling layers off onion
Hi all,
It's been a while since I posted. I have seen my behavior as unhealthy, and wondering why it was that, no matter how hard or how long I worked at recovery, I still was being haunted and traumatized by having emotions I couldn't control or predict.
17 years of therapy didn't change it. Nor did medication or meditation. Nor did 12 step recovery work. I'm still struggling with something so profoundly simple - I am simply not able to make emotional connections with other people.
I joined MS over 5 years ago when I heard the term "emotional incest" in an Al-anon meeting. I followed up by reading a ton about it, and then realized that my mother had an emotionally incestuous relationship with me. That's why I joined MS. I had already dealt with the sexual molestation / relationship I had with my cousin (4 years older) while growing up.
Well, it has deepened, and I think I might have finally turned the corner I've been trying to turn this past 5 years.
A few days ago I was wondering why it was that I was still struggling to handle my emotions and thought processes. I had done years of therapy to address childhood bullying, abuse and abandonment issues, and a few other things. But I was still struggling so profoundly. It was clear that I still had something unresolved, but I didn't know what - I had already worked on everything I was aware of.
I inspected the feelings that I had. I re-looked at questions I was asking 5 years ago about my mother, and that's when it hit me. I have feelings about her that I don't want to acknowledge. I have found her repuslive and repugnant for most of my life. There were several times I can remember where she violated my physical boundaries and space. Where she had gaslighted me during conversations. I frequently felt shame when thinking of her, and a sense of deep betrayal on a level I couldn't put to words.
Then I inspected the broken relationship we've had all my life. The evidence is abundant - we never were close, and I don't think I ever loved her like a son usually loves his mother. I don't admire or respect her, whatsoever.
A weird sense/sensation sweeps over me when I think on this. Was I physically molested by my mother when I was an infant/toddler? I don't remember anything specific. I have a vague sense of an older woman diddling me when I was very very young, but I can't be sure.
All I have are the feelings that I have towards my mother. I don't have these feelings towards any other female in the family I grew up in. I have to acknowledge that I feel very uncomfortable with her touching me, and frequently have had the thought throughout the years that I always felt like she treated me like her rag doll.
I can't remember if she molested me. But I do have these feelings and sensations. And part of recovery work is that we must learn to trust our feelings and sensations.
In order for me to trust my feelings and sensations, it seems that I have to conclude that my mother did sexually molest me, even though I can't remember the physical act.
This brings a level of profound sadness to my soul. But it also helps to liberate the anger I've been carrying in my heart for all of my life. I don't have to be stuck feeling angry anymore. I can look on my mother with sadness and betrayal, and a sense of understanding and compassion. I know she was sexually abused as well (many of us were in the family). I know she struggles to comprehend her life. And she had me when I was 19 (for incredibly crooked reasons). She was a lost young girl who should never had a kid, and I wouldn't put it past her to be inappropriately physical with her angel-child so that she could feel more connected.
I don't know what else to say about this. I just feel the need to share the statement - we have to trust our feelings, even if our feelings are telling us something we don't want to acknowledge. They will remain unresolved feelings until we face them directly, square on.
It's been a while since I posted. I have seen my behavior as unhealthy, and wondering why it was that, no matter how hard or how long I worked at recovery, I still was being haunted and traumatized by having emotions I couldn't control or predict.
17 years of therapy didn't change it. Nor did medication or meditation. Nor did 12 step recovery work. I'm still struggling with something so profoundly simple - I am simply not able to make emotional connections with other people.
I joined MS over 5 years ago when I heard the term "emotional incest" in an Al-anon meeting. I followed up by reading a ton about it, and then realized that my mother had an emotionally incestuous relationship with me. That's why I joined MS. I had already dealt with the sexual molestation / relationship I had with my cousin (4 years older) while growing up.
Well, it has deepened, and I think I might have finally turned the corner I've been trying to turn this past 5 years.
A few days ago I was wondering why it was that I was still struggling to handle my emotions and thought processes. I had done years of therapy to address childhood bullying, abuse and abandonment issues, and a few other things. But I was still struggling so profoundly. It was clear that I still had something unresolved, but I didn't know what - I had already worked on everything I was aware of.
I inspected the feelings that I had. I re-looked at questions I was asking 5 years ago about my mother, and that's when it hit me. I have feelings about her that I don't want to acknowledge. I have found her repuslive and repugnant for most of my life. There were several times I can remember where she violated my physical boundaries and space. Where she had gaslighted me during conversations. I frequently felt shame when thinking of her, and a sense of deep betrayal on a level I couldn't put to words.
Then I inspected the broken relationship we've had all my life. The evidence is abundant - we never were close, and I don't think I ever loved her like a son usually loves his mother. I don't admire or respect her, whatsoever.
A weird sense/sensation sweeps over me when I think on this. Was I physically molested by my mother when I was an infant/toddler? I don't remember anything specific. I have a vague sense of an older woman diddling me when I was very very young, but I can't be sure.
All I have are the feelings that I have towards my mother. I don't have these feelings towards any other female in the family I grew up in. I have to acknowledge that I feel very uncomfortable with her touching me, and frequently have had the thought throughout the years that I always felt like she treated me like her rag doll.
I can't remember if she molested me. But I do have these feelings and sensations. And part of recovery work is that we must learn to trust our feelings and sensations.
In order for me to trust my feelings and sensations, it seems that I have to conclude that my mother did sexually molest me, even though I can't remember the physical act.
This brings a level of profound sadness to my soul. But it also helps to liberate the anger I've been carrying in my heart for all of my life. I don't have to be stuck feeling angry anymore. I can look on my mother with sadness and betrayal, and a sense of understanding and compassion. I know she was sexually abused as well (many of us were in the family). I know she struggles to comprehend her life. And she had me when I was 19 (for incredibly crooked reasons). She was a lost young girl who should never had a kid, and I wouldn't put it past her to be inappropriately physical with her angel-child so that she could feel more connected.
I don't know what else to say about this. I just feel the need to share the statement - we have to trust our feelings, even if our feelings are telling us something we don't want to acknowledge. They will remain unresolved feelings until we face them directly, square on.
